My life as a special needs mom (more to come on accepting that label) started from day one.  I just didn’t know it. I didn’t ever consider the possibility of special education or getting an IEP (Individual Education Plan) for any of our kids. Here we are now though, and all three of my boys have an IEP for various learning differences and diagnoses.  Because their needs are different, the process for getting an IEP was different for each boy.

I will start with my oldest. Mr. Train and I adopted our beautiful boy through a domestic infant adoption and we had been with him since day one. Looking back now, there were signs that may have pointed me to where I am today.  The trouble is, when you are not looking for signs of difficulties ahead, they can be really easy to dismiss. Here are a few moments I remember that 11 years later are like puzzle pieces falling into place.

Three month check up

Our pediatrician asked about all the 3 month milestones. I don’t remember the full list of what is supposed to happen at three months. I only remember one, social smiling. I remember it because he wasn’t doing it.

Our pediatrician, knowing he had been adopted, asked if we knew about prenatal care or prenatal exposure. We were not able to answer but our pediatrician said that there could be some delays with exposure in utero and we should watch for smiles and let her know at the next checkup. My type A (and also pregnant) brain had a bit of an emotional  freak out. The word delay is not one you want to hear. Luckily my freaking out was met with a beautiful social smile just a few days later. And they continued on and on and he was a happy little baby. Crisis averted. He had one slight delay but he was on track now. No big deal.

Two and half years old

I know that all children are different and kids should not be compared, but when you have three boys of very similar ages it can be a difficult thing to avoid. At two and a half years old my son had less words and sounds than his two brothers.  They are eight months younger than him. That is hard not to avoid the evils of comparison.

Again we were talking to our pediatrician about missed milestones.  Our pediatrician told us that before we start looking into therapies we should try preschool. Even if it was just two days a week, if he was forced to talk to someone else that was not mom (who understands and responds to all grunts and gestures) his speech might see some improvement.  I dealt with a bit of guilt here because apparently I wasn’t forcing him to use language skills. I was a stay at home mom and I was failing him.

We enrolled in him preschool the following term (after an extreme fight with potty training) and we saw exactly what the pediatrician said might happen. His language exploded and we were back on track. Sure there was that little delay but we were making huge strides.

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End of the year preschool conferences

Each time we came to the end of both preschool years, our conferences seemed to be exactly the same. Different teachers all had the same message. He is a little delayed in several areas. Not enough for any treatment as of yet, but we should keep an eye on his progress. He might just be a late bloomer.

Over and over again we kept getting the same messages and noticing the same trends. He is a little delayed. Not enough to worry about it yet, but keep an eye on it. He was delayed in fine motor skills, comprehension of letter and sounds and he was a pistol to try and assess. We had seen him count, sort objects, build structures, and all the other things preschool teachers do with the kids, but when asked to do it on demand it was always a no go.

In my heart I knew he would struggle in school. I am a teacher. I have taught hundreds of kids and have seen the vast varieties of student learning. Even though his teachers said not to worry too much, I did. Kids with delays, kids that don’t test well, kids with a low frustration point, they have to work way harder in today’s traditional education system. It doesn’t mean they are not successful, it just means we would be in for some struggles. In the end I was right. The struggle started day one of transitional kindergarten.