If you’ve ever read or listened to anything about emotional intelligence, you’ve probably been advised to use “I” statements when discussing difficult topics. An “I” statement focuses on your own feelings or beliefs rather than your feelings or thoughts about the listener (this is a good basic summary). So you may say to your husband, “I feel unsupported when you don’t help out with the baby in the night” instead of “Why don’t you care about your own kid?” or “How can you not hear when the baby cries or are just ignoring him?” (or something like that – insert your own standard level of passive aggressiveness).

Since hearing that advice years and years ago, I’ve tried to use “I” statements whenever I can or at least whenever I remember and am calm enough to do so. But I am reading a very interesting parenting book (The Parent Survival Guide: From Chaos to Harmony in Ten Weeks or Less by Theresa Kellam) that is making me completely rethink whether using “I” statements with my kids is a good idea.

The point Kellam persuasively makes is that responding to your kids using “I” statements puts the focus and priority on your feelings and needs instead of on the feelings and needs of your child. For example, if your child says “Mom, guess what? I know how to spell my name now!“, you may be tempted to respond by saying, “I am so proud of you”, when maybe it would be better to simply say, “You’re so happy/ proud of yourself!” Or when your child expresses concern over something (“I miss you when you’re at work“), it’s tempting to provide a parent-centered explanation (“I know you miss me. I wish I didn’t have to leave you either, but I always come home“) instead of simply saying, “You’re sad. You miss me when I’m gone.”

I highlighted basically this entire section of the book as it really hit home for me. I have a very close connection with my 4 year old son yet I struggle to find ways to effectively communicate with him when he’s angry or dealing with big feelings. My default way to respond to him in those moments is something like, “I see that you are very frustrated. I am sorry this is so hard for you.” This book has really made me re-think whether this is the right way to be communicating with him.

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Instead, I recently started trying to responding to my son with “you” statements instead of “I” ones, and it does seem to make a positive difference in how he reacts. He tends to more readily accept my statement and release/ share his emotions (whether via tears, an explanation, a request for a hug, or simply exhaling and moving on to something else) instead of yelling, arguing, becoming aggressive, or continuing to get more upset.

Here are some of the reasons Kellam gives for using “you” statements (just to be clear she doesn’t actually use that term but that’s the easiest way for me to think about it):

  • They focus on your child’s feelings rather than your own teaches your child to be be guided by his conscience rather than by what you think.
  • They communicate your understanding of your child’s feelings, which shifts the focus from your evaluation of your child to his own evaluation while still emotionally supporting and connecting with your child.
  • They communicate empathy with what your child is feeling.
  • They give you an opportunity to simply be with your child in the sadness/ anger/ other uncomfortable thing he’s feeling instead of trying to rescue him from it.
  • They help you avoid responses that are manipulative and/or may make a child feel guilty (like “I go to work so I can buy you toys for your birthday“).
  • They help you avoid talking your child into feeling something that you would be more comfortable with than what he is actually feeling (“Don’t worry – I’ll be home soon!“)

Most importantly, using “you” instead of “I” statements with your child lets him know that you can handle his feelings, whatever they may be. And for my particular child that seems to be very powerful.

A few nights ago my 4 year old son got very upset at my husband about something that seemed, to our adult minds, like a misunderstanding (son thought husband said/ did X when husband really said/ did Y). After trying futilely to explain to my son that Daddy really did Y and apologizing that he was upset (“I’m so sorry you’re mad“), I finally stopped and simply said “you are really sad.” He looked at me wide-eyed and said “yes I am really sad. I didn’t like what Daddy did. Can I have a hug?” and we hugged and moved on.

What is your go-to way to communicate with your kids when they’re sharing their feelings? Do you tend to use more “I” or “you” statements with them?