October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month, so I thought I would share my story.

It happened just a few weeks ago. I was going to submit a post to share exciting family news and recap my first trimester of pregnancy, but instead, at the 15 week mark, I miscarried.

I have two healthy little ones and this third pregnancy was planned. I was a little more slow moving with telling people about my pregnancy and making it “official” through social media because I had irrational thoughts of a miscarriage during the pregnancy. I had a couple vivid dreams of having a miscarriage and even thought of women I knew who had miscarriages between their second and third child. But then, second trimester hit and I started to feel like myself again so I started to plan ahead, set goals, and wonder what it would be like to be a family of five. I got out the bin of maternity clothes and started researching for my next diaper bag purchase.

I guess many women wouldn’t really anticipate having their first miscarriage, but the loss was so sudden. The trauma of losing a baby at home before my very own eyes, the emptiness of my womb, and having to explain our devastating loss to our friends and family whom we had just shared the good news of being pregnant all felt surreal.

A few nights prior to the miscarriage, I started spotting and tried not to think anything of it, knowing that it could happen during a normal and healthy pregnancy. But then I had spotting again one night and woke up the next day still spotting. An hour later, I still noticed blood when using the bathroom so I called my doctor. My doctor tried to assure me that everything was most likely fine with the baby but that I could go to the office the next day to check on the baby’s heartbeat. Throughout the whole day, I had continued spotting. It wasn’t getting much heavier so I tried to stay positive but also tried to mentally prepare for the possibility of a miscarriage. I was having dinner with my family, when suddenly, I felt a gush of fluid leaving my body, as if my water broke (I’m guessing this is what it would feel like). I ran to the bathroom, sat on the toilet and experienced large amounts of fluid escaping my body. By the third time I felt a large amount of fluid flow out, I looked down to see a fetus, my baby, falling into the water.  I’m not sure if I can ever forget that moment; it felt like it was happening in slow motion…the moment my baby left me.

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I screamed for my husband to come and we briefly shared a moment of grief together before we started to hear the screaming of our girls from the other room, wondering why their parents were suddenly running out of the room. My husband attended to the girls and I laid in bed for awhile before I called the doctor.

I couldn’t bear to see our perfectly curled up baby again but my husband retrieved the fetus, as recommended by our doctor to bring with us to the hospital that night. And he had his moment of loss with our baby.

My hospital experience was thankfully minimally invasive because my bleeding had already slowed down and most, if not all, that needed to be out of my body did come out on its own. We told our girls the following morning and our oldest took it pretty hard when she first found out. The girls still periodically ask why the baby died, but have accepted the loss and are mostly hopeful of the future for our family. We decided on cremating our baby and this past weekend we planted a tree in our backyard and spread the ashes by it.

I’m thankful for my husband, family and friends who have supported me and our family during this time. The first week, I relied on everyone’s encouraging words and gestures to carry me each day, along with my girls who kept me busy with our day-to-day routine.  From time to time, I try to give myself time to accept this loss and to grieve in small doses. One of the ways I’ve found most helpful for me to grieve and process is to make time to write about the experience and the loss.

I’ve followed up with my doctor and there are questions with unclear answers, especially since it was a later miscarriage, but I am longing to move forward with much hope and peace for what the future holds for our family.