As we’re contemplating how adding a second child will change our lives, I’ve been thinking about gender norms and how society places them onto children from day one.

From the moment we found our we were pregnant with Little Cotton Candy, I knew I didn’t want to know the sex of our baby until he or she was born. Sure, the surprise was exciting, but if I’m being a honest a huge reason I didn’t want to find out the sex was because it was important to me to delay gender-norming for as long as possible. I felt strongly that I didn’t have a gender preference and that once our baby was on the outside I was going to do everything in my power to keep from placing gender norms onto them. (More superficially, I didn’t want to receive a bunch of over-gendered baby items from well meaning friends and family. And admitting this now, I am now pretty appalled that I ever felt this way. I now believe anything freely given should be accepted with grace.) And maybe part of the reason I wanted us to be Team Green was just a reaction to what I perceived as people being overly invested in the sex of their unborn children.

If you’re wondering why I care so much about gender-norming babies and children, it’s because I believe putting kids into boxes can be harmful, and can hold them back from exploring every opportunity available to them. And I don’t just mean with girls; I believe everyone suffers from this type of labeling. I want my child to grow up in a home where they can feel free to be whoever they are: to cry when they’re sad or frustrated; to express themselves through their clothes; to play with whatever kinds of toys they want to. But I also know that gender norms are so insidious and so ingrained that even the most well intentioned parents will fall victim to them, as I’m sure Mr. Cotton Candy and I have in some ways.

IMG_0195Little Cotton Candy painting his toenails

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Sure, we dressed CC in pink pajamas (still do, actually), we bought him baby dolls, and I let him play with my makeup when he was in that phase. I still buy him clothing in the girls’ department at Target (mostly leggings and T-shirts), and I regularly read him books featuring girls. I encourage his interest in playing with girls at school and in the neighborhood, and I continue to buy him “girl” toys when he shows an interest. We don’t talk about “girl things” and “boy things” in our home, and I correct his language when he says things like “policeman” or “mail man.” …But I wonder in what subtle, below-the-surface ways we are signaling to him that “boys do this and girls do this.” He’s still learning about the world, and so much information is new to him. I want him to keep that sweet innocence, but I also want him to know about the realities of the world and how people are treated differently based on what they look like. Knowledge is power, right?

I don’t think putting bows on girls or buying boys trucks is harmful. But if your little boy wants to wear a bow in his hair or your little girl wants to play with a truck, why not let them? I won’t deny that Little Cotton Candy is a truck-obsessed kiddo. I joke that his first word was “vroom” (I think at around nine months old), and since that age he has LOVED watching trucks out the window. At four, he now has quite the collection of trucks, and he still loves to run to the window to watch the garbage and recycling trucks come and do their thing on Friday mornings. My point is that kids like what they like, and as a parent, one of my jobs is to encourage his interests, whatever they might be.

For baby #2, I’ve already decided on a nursery theme regardless of the sex of our (potential future) baby, and I have no effs to give that the focal color is raspberry/fuchsia. Maybe a bit surprisingly, both Mr. Cotton Candy and I have decided we want to find out the sex this time around if we are so lucky as to get pregnant.* I’m having trouble articulating my feelings as to why we want to know, though. Maybe part of it is realizing that being Team Green only delays the knowledge for a few months. Eventually, the baby will be born and they will be crowned a “girl” or a “boy” and, despite our best efforts, labels will be placed on them. Maybe it’s knowing that, similar to how modern progressives are taught to think about race, being “blind” to gender is not the same thing as overcoming gender stereotypes. Instead, it’s when we see each baby as an individual, not as a product of his or sex, that we can begin the process of overcoming centuries of learned behavior that isn’t conducive to raising an open-minded child who feels free to be who they are in their heart.

*Can you tell I am feeling a wee bit superstitious?