Hellobee

Part One here.

We left off with me finally asking for an epidural after twelve hours of back labour and contractions with 30-90 seconds of a break in between and nearly seven hours of stalled progress at 7cm.

7:20am – Epidural 

It took awhile before the epidural was ready to administer, and by 7:20am they gave me some Fentanyl to relax me enough to sit through the contractions and epidural procedure. The epidural was a scary experience. I had a fear of them because I didn’t like the idea that I wouldn’t be able to walk, feel anything and the idea of a needle in my spine really didn’t sit well with me. Not being able to move when experiencing back to back contractions was scary for both me and Mr. M while they worked on getting me pain relief. By 7:45am the epidural was in and after several contractions, the pain was finally gone. We all took a break and updated our family and friends that were now worried after many hours of not hearing from us. Everyone had snacks, coffee and stretched. I relaxed.

8:10am

I started to feel pressure. They did a check, and I was suddenly nearly fully dilated with a lip, and baby was around station +1. This was great news. D checked again at 11:20am and actually felt that the lip was more obvious than previously thought, and felt I was likely still around 8cm. This is when they decided it was time to consult an OB because of my slow progress and the position of the baby. In this moment I knew that OB meant they were thinking a caesarean may be inevitable. It was as if a switch went off in me, and I knew I needed to change my mind frame.

I started to chant. Quietly to myself at first.

My body is opening. My body is doing this. We’re doing this together. My body is opening up. My mind is powerful. 

On repeat, I just kept chanting my body open. At some point the OB came in/came back (it’s a bit fuzzy in this time period) and checked me. I was fully dilated. I’m not going to lie, I felt pretty badass in this moment. The chanting worked. The OB gave the green light for me to start pushing not too long before noon.

12:00pm: Pushing 

Feeling pretty great about the progress made through chanting, we decided to keep up with it. However, when I would push, I couldn’t chant, so the request was for the others in the room to chant while I pushed. At this point, it felt like we were surrounded by a community in our delivery room. Our two midwives D and K, and my primary midwife M had joined in since the other mother had delivered her baby. Three midwives, and two nurses monitoring my epidural. It truly felt like a community helping me. Chanting with me.

The baby is coming down. We’re going to meet our baby. 

1:45pm

The OB returned and noted some progress. He was going to return in one hour. We knew that the baby wasn’t in an ideal position, and it was suspected he was transverse (head sideways and chin up). We tried many positions in pushing to try and get him to move, including me pulling my belly up during a contraction to try and get him to spin, all while chanting the baby down.

2:45pm

I had been pushing for nearly three hours and was beginning to fall asleep between contractions. I was no longer able to keep up with the chanting, and I knew it was time to discuss the caesarean before the OB returned. We discussed my fears, the procedure, what to expect, the support I needed, and I got it all out there (with many many tears). Everyone agreed it was time.

The OB returned and I told him I knew it was time. He felt it was a good decision, as the baby was still healthy and not in distress and he had suspicions due to positioning that we may encounter other issues when/if we delivered particularly with the shoulders. A non-emergent caesarean just sounded better to me at this point. I wanted to be present for my child’s birth.

Before we transitioned into preparation mode, my midwife suggested I feel the baby’s head. At first, I thought she wanted to motivate me to keep trying so I said no, and then she explained she really wanted me to reach and touch the head so I could feel how far we had come together and how close we had gotten. So, I reached down to feel the head and felt even more at peace with the decision and even more proud of how far we had come together.

The Caesarean

As we waited for the OR to be ready, we all took a moment together in the room to reflect on the day. We shared with our midwives our chosen names, and everyone put in their last minute guesses. Mr. M sent a message to a close family friend that works in the OR as a nurse and asked if she could stay late, which she happily did. We updated our families and close friends.

Everyone scrubbed up. Nobody was missing this birth. When we wheeled down to the OR, I met the surgeons and connected with our family friend. More tears were shed and they brought me in to prep me.

Not too long later Mr. M was joining me in the room, and the surgery began.

Finally, we heard those little cries, and Mr. M told me it was a boy! Tears streamed down our faces and Mr. M met our son on the table to cut the cord after delayed clamping and he brought him over and placed him on my chest.

I kept saying, “We made this! Our love created him!”

We stared into his eyes in wonder and bewilderment. He was finally here. He. Our little bird.

Reflection

There are so many feelings that flow out of your birth story. We’ve shared the story with so many friends and family, and the more we share it, the more we fall in love with the way our little one entered this world. Was it ideal? No. Was it my ultimate goal? No. But, was it beautiful? Absolutely. The following morning my midwife M came to visit us, still on a high from our birth. We reflected and we both agreed that it was a birth filled with all the stops. I went into labour naturally, I had the notorious back labour, I laboured med-free for a very long time, I experienced an epidural, I pushed for hours, and ultimately had a c-section. She feels I’m an excellent candidate for a VBAC, and doesn’t have doubts that if a baby were positioned correctly, that I would be able to meet my goal of a med-free birth.

Am I sad I missed the moment I’ve dreamed of pulling my baby up onto my chest after a vaginal delivery, for immediate skin-to-skin euphoria? Sure – there are pangs of sadness. However, the experience of our birth, the challenges, the power, the strength, the bonding, the community – they all outweigh that sadness.

I feel as though going through childbirth with my husband changed us. It took our relationship to a deeper level of respect, love, support and connection. We experienced that day and a half through different lenses, and came out stronger individuals because of it. We came out stronger as a couple.

Was our birth scary? No. I really did not want to fear birth, and for the most part, I didn’t. I certainly had fears around c-sections and epidurals and was worried about back labour… all things that manifested themselves in my birth. But in the end, I did not have fear. I felt strong, empowered and badass. The story may seem “scary,” but it wasn’t in my mind. Yes, it was intense – but, that’s what made it beautiful. That’s what made it ours.

Meeting our baby boy made it all worth it. Hearing “it’s a boy!” and having his squishy body and inquisitive frown placed on my chest was still magical. Being surrounded by a community of support was everything. Having a rock of a husband there every single step of the way was a display of true love and partnership.

So, while my birth was nothing like I would have ever imagined it to be – it felt right. I learned so much and grew as a person. I feel empowered and ready for the next time. I became a mother.