Hellobee

I’ve always had an obsession with birth stories. It is my belief that every single birth is beautiful. Being on the other side now, that belief is even stronger. Prior to the birth of our little guy, I was pretty set on having a med-free vaginal delivery. It was my ultimate goal, one that was more important than many goals I’ve made before. At the same time, I was very aware that birth was something that we couldn’t really plan for, or control. I spent a lot of time working on letting go of that control freak side of myself and making a list of birth goals for myself, so that in the event that my ultimate goal was not met, I would be okay and at peace with my birth. I really cannot recommend this enough, at nearly two weeks into recovering from my caesarean birth, I genuinely feel proud of my birth story, happy with it and know that it was the birth I was ultimately meant to have.

Sharing our birth story is clearly a very personal decision. It’s one of the most deeply personal and intimate experiences you ever go through; however, I feel that sharing our positive experience and paying forward another story is important. I have benefitted so much from reading every variety of birth stories, and my hope is to paint a positive picture that when things don’t go as planned, you can still have the beautiful birth you hoped for.

Thursday: Pre-Labour

In the days leading up to my birth, I was getting quite eager for things to get going. Not out of discomfort per se, but excitement and not wanting to get too close to that induction territory. I had an appointment the day after my estimated due date (Thursday), and I opted to have a cervical check and stretch and sweep. In our midwifery practice, it’s standard not to start checks until you’ve met your due date, and I didn’t want the numbers to start playing games with my head. After weighing the options, I decided to go for the stretch and sweep. I was thrilled to find out that I was 2-3cm prior to the sweep, and 40-50% effaced, and that my midwife stretched me to a 3-4cm range.

My final bump photo – 40 weeks

Friday: Early Labour – A False Start

My midwife told me what to expect if the sweep worked. I had quite a bit of bloody show that evening and had intense period like cramps throughout the night. The following day I was crampy, and had about an hour of trackable uncomfortable contractions but things fizzled out – this took us to the weekend.

Sunday

On Saturday, I felt like we had the perfect last just us day. In the evening I felt like the baby moved down further and the pressure increased. The next morning (Sunday) I woke up very suddenly at 4:00am to go to the bathroom and I felt a huge wave of nausea. I got back into bed and my back started really hurting. At 5:00am I woke up Mr. M and started tracking the waves of back pain. The contractions came in waves of intensity and as they got closer together, I decided to page my midwife to give her a heads up around 11:00am. She suggested I have a bath and rest since I had already been up for so many hours.

The bath slowed things down to a 20 minute range, so I tried to have a nap. As soon as I laid down contractions began to intensify again to 5-6 minutes apart, and I had to breathe deeply through them. We both felt like this was it. I got up again and we decided to go for a walk. After the walk, the contractions were 7-8 minutes apart and 1 minute long with medium intensity. I sent Mr. M into town to get some food, and had a few intense contractions while he was gone, but then they started to fizzle. The darkening sky made me anxious. I’d been up for over 12 hours at this point, and the pattern was making me a bit crazy. I finally napped between 7:30-8:30pm and the contractions were fizzling big time and ultimately stopped. We went to bed that night surprised and pretty discouraged.

I ended up having the best sleep I’d had in months, and felt like my body had just given me some rest that I had desperately needed prior to things really beginning.

Monday

When I got up in the morning I sent Mr. M to work on high alert. I decided to go for a long walk with the dog. I finally felt a bit of a nesting urge that day, and felt myself getting things in order while actively managing letting go and knowing things would start when it was meant to. I mostly followed a pattern of 20 minutes apart with mild intensity.

5:00PM

Mr. M got home early and did yard work and after he came inside around 5:00pm we kind of laughed and joked about how it could start at any moment, but could also still be days. As we sat there, I had a really intense contraction I had to breathe through, and this is when it quickly and intensely changed.

My contractions slipped from intense to mildish, but were suddenly 40 seconds to 1 minute long and 1.5 minutes to 2 minutes apart. I felt like this was weird, so after 45 minutes in this pattern I paged my midwife. She told me that it didn’t sound too active yet, while I was breathing through them, I was also talking and laughing, so she advised me to get in the tub and that she would call me back to check in one hour later. Note: My midwife later shared this is always their test of whether it is true active labour, because contractions will generally slow in the tub if you’re still in early labour. 

Active Labour

I poured myself a bath, and got in wondering what would happen. Things didn’t change, and nearing the one-hour mark in the tub, very suddenly and very rapidly my labour shifted. All contractions were suddenly in my back and unbearably painful. I had to get out of the water and was counting the seconds until my midwife called back.

When she called Mr. M answered the phone. She informed him she was actually already at the hospital attending another birth and was unable to come for the at-home assessment. She said that I could have my secondary midwife meet me at the house, or we could go to the hospital now. I said it was time to go, and we frantically ran around the house to pack up the remaining items on our list to get out the door (this was reminiscent of the scene from Home Alone when they slept in given I only had 1 minute breaks between the contractions). As we got ready to get in the car, I had a minor moment of panic wondering  how I would sit in my seat on the way there and told Mr. M to drive safe.

It was a difficult trip up to the Labour and Delivery, with several contractions along the way (after having to check-in first). I am sure I was quite the spectacle for a few people waiting in the ER. Movie scene drama status.

As soon as we entered Labour and Delivery my primary midwife and secondary midwife were in the hall and we made eye contact with my “shit got real fast” face. At this point, my primary midwife M was busy with another mother, so D took over from there. I’d only met her once before so this made me a bit nervous at first, but every time I told someone that she was my secondary they would sing her praises, so I knew we were in good hands.

9:00 PM

I climbed up on the bed for a check. D told me that I was around 4cm and did a quick stretch and sweep and said that she would admit me into the hospital. I climbed out of bed (being on my back was torture) and as soon as I stood up a huge gush of blood hit the floor. I looked at Mr. M with a “here we go” gasp of a look.

At this point, I was writhing in pain during the contractions with still only 60-90 seconds of relief between them. I felt like my skin was crawling and I was so disconnected to my body. I told Mr. M I couldn’t do this if this is what it was like. I spouted out the word epidural saying I didn’t want to be a hero and that this was too much. He gave me a concerned look knowing this was the absolute last thing on my list of things I wanted and we’d only been in the hospital for 20 minutes. D stepped in and offered the TENS machine for relief in my back and immediately I started to feel a shift in my mentality. Eventually I found a rhythm of TENS machine, vocalizing through low moans and counter-pressure through contractions. Whenever I found myself getting higher through vocalization, Mr. M would coach me with guided low deep moans to keep my body relaxed and open.

10:00 PM

With two mothers in labour and only two midwives, they asked if they could call in D’s student K, which I encouraged. I had met K several times, and loved her. She was about to graduate, and her name was very similar to my late brother’s, which I took as a sign that everything would be okay. When K arrived at 10pm, she took over as the primary and D assisted whenever necessary (allowing K to take the lead for educational purposes).

For several hours we tried many positions, with K and Mr. M working together as a team in counter pressure. The main position that worked well for us was slow dancing with counter pressure and the TENS machine.

12:00 AM

Just before midnight I started to feel a shift with more pressure and they decided to do a check. I was 6-7 cm and 90% effaced with bulging membranes. This was great news, great progress and helped us push through the next several hours.

3:40 AM

More time passed, and they checked me again. The same. We decided it was time to break my waters hoping that I would start making progress again. Since I was close to transition, I decided it was time I needed some relief, and asked for the laughing gas (nitrous oxide). The laughing gas was exactly what everyone needed. It worked amazingly for me (it doesn’t for everyone). It really took the edge off of the contractions, and during the lull between them, I provided some serious comedic relief for the room. D described me as “I love you man drunk.”

4:50 AM

I began to have moments of pushing and bearing down during contractions. D asked me if I was doing this purposefully or whether my body was doing this. I told her it was just happening. We began to wonder if I had made it past transition. So they checked. 7 cm and swelling, likely from the unintentional pushing. No progress. I’m not going to lie, this was a moment of defeat, a low entered the room and emotions took over. All of this time, pain and no progress. Both Mr. M and I had a bit of a breakdown. We set a goal of 7:15am to check again. D offered the tub to switch things up.

6:00 AM

I stopped with the laughing gas, and we made our way to the tub at 6:10am. In hindsight, water was not a good place for me to labour in. My contractions had rapidly intensified in the water at the beginning of active labour, and the same was said at the hospital, though I didn’t realize this at the time. Time stood still in the tub. I had never been in that much pain in my life. I thought for sure this was transition. This had to be. That whole “splitting in two” I had read about was happening. Writhing in pain. The room was dark with battery candles, and I tried to low moan through the contractions. This was the most difficult part for Mr. M. Unbeknownst to me, he quietly cried through this entire time period. In his reflections of labour, he has said to friends, “Imagine seeing a person in the worst pain you’ve ever seen a person in in your entire life – and that person is your wife.” I repeatedly asked for a time check on my goal. At 6:30am (after 20 minutes in the tub), nearly 2 hours later, they checked me early. I still had no progress.

I cried Uncle. It was time for an epidural. After nearly 7 hours since my initial check of 6-7cm, I was still the same. I was devastated in that moment. I didn’t want to get to this point, but I knew everyone was exhausted, myself included and I wouldn’t make it further without some relief. My contractions had continued the entire night until the sun rose with the same intensity and frequency from the beginning. While our little man stayed happy as can be with a consistent heartbeat, we knew his position was causing serious challenges for me.

… to be continued