A few of my friends are starting to have their first and second kids, and I always getting asked about what things I wish I knew beforehand. I’m not an expert by any means, but I guess 3 kids in I am least giving off the vibe that I have some of it together. I gave it some thought and here are some things I wish someone had said to me before I had Drake.

It’s ok to not be in love with your baby immediately.  

I think everyone always imagines those Hollywood birth scenes where you are just so overcome with emotion and  love for your baby you think your heart is going to burst; everyone in the room is hugging and crying and it’s just this huge love fest. I gave birth to Drake at 4:20 AM after arriving at the hospital in labor with him at 10 AM the previous day. I had not eaten for over 24 hours and had barely slept the night before, only to end up laboring with him for almost a day. When he was born the first feeling I remember having was relief; thank God this is over. I was so overwhelmed, tired, and hungry that even though mentally I could register the huge life event that happened, I was also just dying to eat a sandwich and crawl into bed and sleep for a day. It’s not to say I didn’t love Drake immediately, but it just wasn’t that emotional love fest I was expecting. Drake ended up being a hard baby as well which made it much more difficult to feel that overwhelming gushing all the time because I was so ragged and tired trying to soothe him. At times I would question my own feelings in that moment — why wasn’t it like the Hollywood scene I thought it should be? But that’s also not reality. My bond with Drake these days is incredible and I know that there was nothing wrong with my feelings and emotions at the time of his birth. No one should ever feel that they won’t love their child if they don’t have that perfect Hollywood storybook moment too. It will all come. It always does.

Breastfeeding doesn’t always come naturally; formula isnt the enemy.  

Breastfeeding was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I chronicled many of my breastfeeding stories here and I can’t say it strongly enough — breastfeeding isn’t easy, not every woman can just magically do it or make enough and there is absolutely nothing wrong with not breastfeeding, pumping, exclusively breastfeeding, half and half or any other method you use to feed your baby. Fed is absolutely the only thing that matters and how you do so is completely up to you and no way is right or wrong or better. I struggled so much through all my kids with my attempts to breastfeed and do what I thought was best for them and it cost me dearly, especially with Juliet. I want to spare anyone else the sadness and guilt filled roads I have walked because of my internal struggle with breastmilk and breaking out of the idea that formula was somehow terrible.

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You are going to obsess over things you never imagined you would.

BPA? GMO? SPD? After you become a parent the amount of specific knowledge you begin to aquire about the well-being of your child is astounding. The two hours you spent surfing Facebook or catching up on your favorite TV show before bed is now regulated to poring every article you can find about which brand of bottle won’t cause nipple confusion . When you go to the grocery store instead of flinging things into your cart, you end up blocking the aisle reading every nutrition label there is comparing different kinds of organic kale juice. You become an expert on car seats and the laws about rear vs forward facing and which car seat models are the safest and best.  Becoming a parent is like learning another language, one that only other parents will understand as you spout out statistics and throw out acoronyms left and right.

It’s going to be hard, be forgiving to yourself.

I will never forget the one particularly hard day I had shortly after Drake was born. I had barely slept and Drake had spent most of the day crying on and off, as well as soaking his sheets shortly before nap time when I set him down briefly in his crib naked as we had run out if diapers in his room. Later after a load of laundry I thought I would have 5 minutes to myself and made a sandwich, only to have it come crashing to an end when the UPS man rang the bell sending my dogs into a barking frenzy that woke Drake up. As if that wasn’t bad enough, after I retrieved the package UPS had left, one of my dogs jumped on the table and ate my lunch. By the time 5 o’clock rolled around I was beyond done. When Mr. Chocolate pulled into the parking lot of the condo, he found me pacing the walkway holding Drake. As soon as he got close enough I heaved Drake into his arms and ran to my car and just drove off. I simply couldn’t take one more moment at home anymore and just needed some time alone. After a short drive to Barnes and Noble where I sat in the cafe with a sandwich and a pile of trashy magazines, I finally felt like me again. Parenting, especially those early months, is one of the hardest, most demanding, and draining times of your life. Nothing can knock you down more than crippling exhaustion and frustration which are both abundant with small children. No one can do it all and there are going to be days where you think you are just going to break and everyone has them. Taking a little time to recharge is perfectly ok, important, and necessary. There is nothing wrong with calling for help some days and saying you need 10 minutes to collect yourself.

Savor it all.

No matter what stage you are in from the early newborn days to the teething stage, to terrible twos threes and fours, every stage will eventually end. There will be days like the one I described above where you are at your wit’s end and other days which feel like a story book and everything falls into place. Time marches on regardless and everything will eventually come to an end. In a blink of an eye that little newborn you cradled through the night will be bounding onto the bus going to school. When you are in the moment it can feel like time is dragging on but the reality is the years will fly by you before you even know it, before you are even ready. Try to remember the little moments, the little details that are special and unique to you and your baby. If you can, try to jot them down or take a photo, but either way just remember to take it all in every now and then. Truly savor those fleeting moments. They pass by faster than you know.