Last night I heard Mr. Cereal tell one of his friends on the phone that having a kid is a gradual build of responsibilities, starting with pregnancy. You typically don’t just drop into being a parent, even in adoption; you have to plan ahead and start to get used to the idea. It made me really think about the time when we were trying to decide to have kids and when to have them. I like to think of the whole process like bobbing in the ocean. You get over one wave, then the next one comes on and you get over that one as well.

I didn’t always want to be a mom. I wasn’t really that into kids and I always figured that I would have a child in my 30’s if I ended up having any at all. I pictured myself getting married at 30 and then slowly easing into kids. Mr. Cereal had never even considered the possibility of having kids. Honestly, I don’t think marriage was really something he thought he would do either, but that worked out for us. When we started talking about having kids, it was a really strange conversation. Mr. Cereal was on board with trying a specific starting date, which at the time was about 6 months away. I went to my OB, got off birth control and started pre-natal vitamins. We were careful for the first few months to avoid getting pregnant and then we just kind of stopped trying to prevent it.

Once the decision was made that we would eventually have kids, the mindset was totally different. It is one thing to decide to be married to a person for a lifetime. That is a big decision with a lot of emotion behind it. But to decide to bring another life into the world, especially one that is made from the two of you, is a monumental decision. The responsibility of providing a life for a helpless being is just plain overwhelming. For me, and for Mr. Cereal, the unknown of how to be good parents was a daunting thought. I knew we would love our children, but there was so much worry about the ability to really provide a good life for them.

And then it happens, you get pregnant, and your mindset shifts again. I immediately felt two things when I saw the first positive pregnancy test — I was scared out of my mind, and my future stopped being about me, and started including this extra person. I wouldn’t say that I felt maternal immediately, but I felt the responsibility. Lucky for me, pregnancy is 9 months long (in our case, it was one miscarriage and another pregnancy long) so I could gradually get used to the idea of being a parent. By the time LeLe was born, I felt like I was ready. Past ready in all honesty because I was so tired of being pregnant.

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But Mr. Cereal is right. Being a parent comes in these gradual steps. Just when you think you’ve got it handled and all figured out, your kid learns something new, or changes, or you get pregnant again and everything is completely different than it was before. But that’s also part of the fun of being a parent. The changes, the evolution of your family. The real truth is that it is scary to be a parent, but it is also amazing and fun and so different than anything you could expect. For new parents, I try not to tell them how it’s going to be, partly because that is super annoying, but also because their experience will be completely different than mine. Their kids will be totally different than mine. Their hardships will be totally different than mine.

Do you remember your first hours as a brand new parent? That feeling of fear mixed with love and exuberance. It’s magical, and terrifying, and so many other things. When we drove home from the hospital with LeLe, I felt like my life was completely different than it was 48 hours earlier. This little girl needed me to survive. That is the feeling I want to share with new parents. The shock that the nurses would trust you to take this little tiny helpless baby home with you. And the tiny inkling in the back of your head that you can do this, you really can.