Hellobee

I’ve been a SAHM for five years, and surprisingly the decision to be a SAHM is one I continue to revisit. I thought by now, I would be firm in my decision to stay home with my kiddos. Yet every six months to a year, I wrestle with the choice to stay home or return to work. I consider what is best for our kiddos, me and my husband. We discuss the pros and cons of our current financial situation, work schedules, the kids’ health and development, my desire to work, and my enjoyment at spending time home with the kids. Each time I’ve chosen to continue to be a SAHM, but it’s not an easy decision.

I always hoped to have children. However, when I thought about my future as a mom, I was ambivalent about staying home or working. My mom stayed home with me and my siblings while we were young kids, and it was a wonderful experience. This pushed me towards staying home. But when I finally became pregnant with BeBe, I had a job and career I loved. I decided to return to work after our daughter was born. Then, two weeks in to my maternity leave, our entire department was laid off due to budget cuts. The decision to be a stay at home mom was made for me, at least in the short term. I struggled in the beginning with a colicky baby and the loss of my work identity. But after a few months I began to love spending time at home with our daughter.

I treasure the time I spend home with my kids, but it has also been harder than I ever expected. There have been developmental phases I didn’t enjoy. Jealousy has cropped up when I hear about a friend’s work success. Trying to find balance for my own interests remains a constant juggle, and avoiding traditional family roles with my husband are just a few of the difficulties.

I also miss the work dynamic of pulling together a team, and having the satisfaction of seeing a project through to completion. I worry about the long pause in my career, and question if I can jump back in to the field. The choice to be a SAHM has come at a real financial cost as well. I hope to make up for lost wages when I finally return to work, but our son’s medical bills make this financial goal daunting. Choosing to be a SAHM has been a gamble for my career and our finances, but one I’ve been willing to take.

Overall though, I’ve been happy with my choice, and feel very fortunate that I have had the choice to stay at home when many others don’t. I have enjoyed watching my kiddos learn and having the opportunity to teach them at our leisurely pace. I’m sure they would thrive in daycare, and I would still have plenty of moments to cherish with them if I was working outside the home. But, at least for these young years, I’ve enjoyed being constantly in the background of their lives. Privy to their everyday routines, and having the experience of unplanned adventures and unexpected joyful moments with them. Being a SAHM has created space in our lives for these special moments I cherish. I have loved being home with them in a way I never could have imagined when I first received my layoff notice and found myself unexpectedly a SAHM. Staying home also eased my concern about the effect on BeBe from our constant moves when she was a baby, and my son’s fragile health before and after his surgery.

These two!

I’ve considered part- time work many times, but would lose money by working less hours and paying for childcare. If I worked part-time, my husband would also lose out on family time due to his erratic work schedule and long hours. In the future this might be a feasible option, but it doesn’t work for our family now. Although, I stay open to the possibility.

Over the years, I’ve met moms who feel strongly about their choice to be either a SAHM or WOHM. They are confident it is the best decision for their family, and they are thriving. However, I’m the opposite. My views are similar to parents, both working and staying home, who are conflicted by their choice. I imagine if I was working I would enjoy the work (and obviously the money), but miss the everyday moments with my kiddos at home too. I do plan to return to my career at some point, but I’m uncertain when.

At the end of the summer my husband and I will revisit the choice again for me to either stay home or return to work. By then our little guy will have had his latest round of medical exams. We will have more information about his health and development, and can decide what is best for him. BeBe will be starting full day kindergarten in the fall. This could make it easier to afford childcare if I do go back to work. Five years later, I’m no longer ambivalent about my choice to be a SAHM.  I’ve had the most magical moments with my two kiddos at home, but I realize I might always be conflicted about my decision.