The first night I was ever away from my son was the night his sister was born. We co-slept every night of those first 16 months of his life, but none since her birth. He had already been growing more attached to his father. He was always the most excited to see him. After Iris came home this magnified. I became “mama-baby” instead of just his Mama.
Iris is exclusively breastfed and aggressively attached to me. It is just in the past month or so, since she has started crawling, that she has been tolerating independent play time or being held by her father.
I knew before she was born how important it would be to make one on one time with Roman. I failed. I spend all day everyday with the both of them, nine or more of those hours alone with the two of them, and he is too young to understand why the baby always needs me. I worried that he felt rejected by me when he was crying because it was nap time and he wanted to be cuddled to sleep, but I got up to bring in “the baby” because she was wailing her heart out in the next room. He doesn’t understand. I try to let her cry, but it keeps him from falling asleep and it kills me inside. Sometimes it’s one or the other and all too often it has to be him. I try to make our days together as fun filled as possible. I cheer him on all day, doting as much attention as I can verbally, but I don’t think I realized just how much less physical closeness we had. Now that Iris plays more independently and I have both arms available for Roman more often, I see how much he wants to be hugged and kissed and held throughout the day.
On days when the stars align and she lays sleeping in the next room and he and I get that one on one cuddle time, I see so clearly how it affects him. We’ve had weeks at a time where we manage this and his behavior, his cooperation, his attitude towards his sister all benefits. He’s getting what he needs. I wish I could do better.
Our routine had been for his father to put him to sleep while I get Iris to sleep. Lately he’s still up tossing and turning after I put her down so I’ve been helping. I’ve laid with him until he fell asleep every night these past few week. He loves when I sing to him and give him dozens of kisses all over his face. He loves to cuddle me. Those cuddle sessions are invaluable. It is truly amazing the way that physical connection can transform a relationship. I was feeling so sad about how our relationship has suffered since Iris was born. After one week of one on one cuddle time, and I was not worried anymore.
Each week I watch his language and communication skills expand. I know in just a year he’ll understand so much more and she’ll be much more independent. I know each phase will bring its own challenges, but I don’t worry anymore that I’ve lost something with him. I would say that I wish I could go back and figure out how to create more one on one Mama-Roman time, but I think I did the best I could in our situation.
There were days I would greet him in the morning wearing the baby and he’d throw himself back into his pillows crying. This did not feel good. Neither did the way he’d turn for his father when he needed comforting. Some days it felt like he didn’t need me at all. But I must say that since our increase in cuddle times, there’s been an increase in the number of times both of my babies are crying and reaching for me, when my husband is trying to help but they both want my attention, and that feels one thousand times worse.
And for all the people expecting or thinking about expecting a second baby, please do not take this as a warning; this was just my particular experience. But for anyone who may be having the same experience, I wish you lots of cuddle power!
Have your children had phases of parental preference? What helped you and your first borns with the new sibling transition?
coffee bean / 30 posts
i totally understand! although there is a 4 year age gap between my 2, it was still a surprisingly rough transition for my eldest. I think that was by far the hardest thing about having 2. sometimes, by the end of the day i realize that my eldest got very little one on one attention, and when she did, it was negative attention for things she did wrong. those days suck, big time. i feel so guilty. sometimes all i can do is cuddle her extra hard before bed, say a prayer for her, and sing a few extra lullabies. make the night night routine really count. also, when i’m feeling some strain with my eldest, we’ll do “mommy sisi time”- I set the timer for 15-20 minutes, and let her choose an activity to do together. she gets my undivided attn for that 15 minutes. it’s helped. we try not to put any pressure on her to be a “good big sister”- in fact, we try not to call her “big sister.” we call her by her name, and her brother by his name. slowly but surely, she’s growing to love her brother and show him tenderness. but it’s been a verryy slow process.
pomegranate / 3225 posts
oh mama. I struggle with the same things. Mine are 20 months apart and it is just SO HARD. My younger one was a high needs baby and as you said it was “one or the other”. I struggle with guilt for that a lot! Reading Mr. Bee’s piece on physical touch made me realize how much she still needs my cuddles and to be carried, etc. I still struggle. Just the other day they were both screaming at naptime and I was telling her I had to go take care of her sister when it hit me… I just made her wait screaming, why couldnt’ the younger one wait screaming too! SIGH.
pomegranate / 3401 posts
Oh this post is so timely. I have a 2.5 year old and a 6 week old and sometimes I feel like such a mean mommy to the 2.5 year old. She’s going through her “terrible twos” and dealing with the new baby (who is EBF and pretty much attached to me). I like the “mommy sisi” time Kristin posted about above, I’m going to try that with her. I know she craves my attention and sometimes I will let baby cry and give it to her but the baby is extremely high needs and CRIES ALL THE TIME and boy it’s hard to take sometimes.
guest
I’ve dealt with this as well with my girls who are 18 months apart. My youngest has always gone to bed early so I usually do all the bedtime stuff since my husband cooks and cleans the kitchen. My oldest has recently (she’s 2.5 now) taken to acting like a baby…lots of babbling even though she’s very articulate and crawling and wanting to be held. I let her do it as much as she likes since I know she’s just craving the attention her sister gets. We’ve also instituted “baby love” and when she asks for it, I sit down and she gets in my lap and I cuddle her and rock her and sometimes she asks for “mama milk” so I tell her to rest her head on my chest and pretend. This seems to help. I think when they are so young when baby comes sometimes you forget that they still need so much from you even though you’re thinking they are so capable! Just keep doing your best and it gets so much easier as your littler one grows as well!
guest
Ugh, now I’m almost sorry I read this post as I will be a mama to two soon. I guess I just have to remember that millions of others have made the transition, we will do ok too.
GOLD / apricot / 341 posts
I loved this post (and all your posts!). I had all my three within 40 months and, while I also recognize what a gift it is to have siblings close in age, I also feel majorly guilty that each of them has had so little one-on-one time with me. My husband has done a great job giving the elder two the attention they need while I’ve been busy with the new babies, but I can see that it has affected my relationship with my eldest in particular.
blogger / cherry / 204 posts
@Kristin: I love the tip about not putting pressure on her to be a good big sister, I always think about that because I was the oldest and I remember that pressure well, my parents still love telling stories of how much I hated being a big sister (but as they always promised, she’s my best friend now!)
blogger / cherry / 204 posts
@kml636: I meant to link to his piece actually, it was an amazing reminder of how they need and respond to affection!
blogger / cherry / 204 posts
@Ginabean3: I know exactly what you mean about high needs, I imagine it can be so different when you get one of those “easy babies” I will never know! haha
blogger / cherry / 204 posts
@Mini Piccolini: thank you! 3 amazes me!
pomegranate / 3401 posts
@Mrs. Pom Pom: yeah it’s crazy because my first was such an easy baby……she never cried, slept everywhere, etc. if I had my second as my first, I don’t know if I would have had a second! Lol.
clementine / 927 posts
This made me cry!!!!! I’m expecting my second now and feel so emotional about my son’s transition. Thank you for sharing so openly.
apricot / 279 posts
Wow, I’m feeling just that recently. Especially today. My mom is staying with me and the kids while my husband goes on a business trip. My toddler has always been very attached to me but I failed to give her the undivided attention once baby boy came along. She’ll say things like “give baby brother to daddy” “put him down!” “Hold my hand!” “I want to have milk with you”, all of which is her effort to have alone time with me. Then last night I had her sleep with my mom (she had done so at my mom’s house as well) and this morning my mom is telling me she is calling her “grandma is mom”. I can tell the pride in her tone but she also console me right after she realized it might hurt my feelings. I told her I’m okay, and that DD love it that grandma can give her 100% attention. Of course I’m feeling sad. During her nap time today, I laid next to her in the guest room, as soon as my mom appeared, she said grandma here, you go away, and pushes me gently. I’m trying hard to not think negatively as I know it’s a tough time for DD as well.