I was not someone who always wanted to be a mother. Growing up, I never really thought I would have kids. I didn’t have a specific reason for this, but I just never really liked kids. I think I was actually kind of intimidated by younger children and I hated babysitting. When baby fever hit me, I was surprised. It caught me off guard and at the time Mr. Cereal and I were just not quite to the place where we could start trying to have kids, so we picked a date in the future and started to prepare for it to arrive. I remember thinking that we would try for a month, get pregnant, have a baby, and so on and so forth. That was not how it went at all.

We started TTC in April/May of 2013 and we conceived the first time in September. I remember being so excited and so scared because I was terrified of having a miscarriage. I just didn’t trust my body to do anything right. At 7 weeks pregnant, I started spotting brown and I freaked out. I called the midwife we had decided to go with, and she told me that spotting was normal and that I should ride it out. I went with this for three days and when the spotting didn’t stop I decided to go to my normal OBGYN and get an ultrasound. The worst thing I have ever heard was the OB telling us that there was no heartbeat. I was honestly devastated. I ended up having a D&C, and that was one of the most horrific things I have ever experienced. I was conscious the whole time and it was an emotional kick in the gut. I joined a loss group and that turned out to be one of the most healing things I could have done. Some of the ladies from this group have become my very best friends and while the reason we all met is awful, fate brought us together for a reason.

We started trying again the very next cycle and I was naive enough to think I would fall pregnant quickly, but this was not the case. It took almost 8 months for us to get another positive pregnancy test. I was beyond terrified this time and I couldn’t actually feel the joy because the fear was overwhelming. We were lucky to be able to have an early ultrasound at 7 weeks and this time, there was a strong heartbeat. I spent the next 13 weeks hovering between being really happy and being terrified. At our 20 week ultrasound we found out we were having a girl and I was so excited. But that was short lived because at our next appointment we found out that she had a single umbilical artery (SUA) and a velementous cord insertion, which basically meant that she had a two vessel cord and it inserted into the sac rather than the placenta. We spent the next 19 weeks at multiple appointments to monitor her growth and to insure that the insertion did not spread too low on the sac. LeLe was born at 39 weeks after an induction because of low fluid and her two cord conditions. She was perfect and is such a joy in our lives.

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About 9 months after LeLe was born, I started feeling kind of weird and missed a period so I decided to take a test. It was positive, which was a complete surprise. I had been joking with Mr. Cereal less than two weeks prior about how awesome it would be to just fall pregnant again without trying. At the 20 week ultrasound, we found out it was a boy and I was really excited. I tested positive for gestational diabetes at 28 weeks and that was a really hard thing for me as a food lover, but it meant more ultrasounds and monitoring, which was ok with me. I had a lot of anxiety with this pregnancy and the extra care was a helpful reassurance for me. Our first growth ultrasound showed a possible heart defect and we were once again thrown into the high risk category. Everything turned out fine, but it was extremely stressful for the remainder of the pregnancy. Little Bug made his debut in June, perfectly healthy and with no heart problems.

I love being a mother. I can’t say this enough. Even though right now it is pretty hard with Little Bug’s reflux/colic issues, I feel lucky to have these two little people in my life. I am so grateful to have the opportunity to be their mother and I will do everything I can to make sure that they know how much I love them.