When I was still slowly moving along with all of the tests, doctor’s appointments, and treatments that come with having infertility, I would often daydream about being pregnant. In a way it was hard to imagine; it just felt so far out of reach. But when I did think of it, I thought that once I got pregnant I would happy, relaxed, and that all the years of trying and the emotions that went with it would quickly fade away. I was so wrong.

Once the two lines pop on on the pregnancy test you tell yourself to celebrate — you’re pregnant! However, it isn’t easy. Instead of letting yourself go and just feeling joy, you’re guarded. You use the phrase “cautiously optimistic” when sharing the news with close friends and family. Once the first beta comes back high, you worry that it won’t double. Then once it doubles you worry there won’t be a heartbeat at your first ultrasound. After your pregnancy is well established, you worry that something will be wrong with the baby. As you wean off your medications you worry your body won’t take over the way it is supposed to do. You hold your breath during the anatomy scan and hope everything is the way it should be. I told myself after that point I wouldn’t have anything to be concerned about anymore. But I still worry. If Baby P isn’t moving enough I start to think something is wrong. It can be exhausting.

I think part of the problem is it feels like the stakes are so high. Mr. P and I put so much time, energy, and money into having a baby that if something were to go wrong, it would be devastating. If something were to go wrong we couldn’t just wait a couple months and try again. We would have to find a backup donor, go through more treatment cycles, and save enough money to pay for it all again. I don’t mean to imply that a loss is worse when a couple has infertility, because I don’t think that is true. It would just be complex for us when it came time to try again.

One thing I did not expect to come with pregnancy after infertility is the guilt. The fact that I am pregnant is not what makes me feel guilty, but I do feel guilt when I’m struggling with pregnancy. I was surprised to find that I don’t just love pregnancy like I expected. It’s hard. I’ve had several days where I’m just over it and wish it were October already. That’s what makes me feel guilty, because I know how it felt to hear a pregnant woman complain when all I wanted was to be pregnant. I also know there are women who would love to be hot, uncomfortable, swollen, and cranky like I am right now, because at least I am pregnant. I feel like I should never complain and just be grateful instead. When I feel my attitude slipping towards the negative, I wrestle with the guilt.

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Mr. P and I have friends who went through IVF to have their children. We’ve all discussed this topic together and found we aren’t alone with our feelings. We came to the conclusion that you just get so used to bad news that once you get good news, a part of you is still waiting on something bad to happen. My friend told me it is much easier once they are on the outside because you can see the baby and see if something is wrong. She also said she wishes she would have connected a little more during her pregnancy though. I’ve been trying to take that to heart and let go of some of my anxieties. It’s a work in progress, but I am finding the “what if” thoughts aren’t coming as frequently.

I’m not a negative person and full of anxiety 100% of the time. I’ve been enjoying the things I looked forward to before getting pregnant like planning the nursery, my baby showers, and feeling Baby P kick. Mr. P and I marvel at the fact that we are the ones having the baby, not someone else. Even after 30 weeks it can feel surreal.

Mr. P and I at our first baby shower.
Mr. P and me at our first baby shower.

Being pregnant after infertility is my only experience with pregnancy. Maybe all pregnant women have these feelings and it’s not unique to the infertility community. Maybe once Baby P is in my arms I’ll forget all the pain that comes with infertility and loss. Maybe during my next pregnancy, if I’m lucky enough to have one, I’ll be more relaxed.

In the meantime a quote from my sister’s favorite Disney movie are the perfect words to live by. I’ll be repeating this to myself over the next 10 weeks.

“Around here, however, we don’t look backwards for long. We keep moving forward…”