Despite being categorized as an Advanced Maternal Age (AMA) mom, I don’t look quite my age so I don’t get that many comments about being an older mom. But it seems that whether you are a young mom or an older mom, someone always has an opinion or a comment about it.
When I was in the my 20’s, I knew I wanted to get married and have a baby before I got “too old.” What I considered to be “too old” at that time was the mid 30s. Looking back now, I had no clue as to what being old is. Even now, I don’t consider myself that old, but I’m approaching middle age so I’m getting there.
I got married in 2009 when I was 34 years old. I probably should have gotten started right away in building a family, but we waited a year. After the year passed, we started trying, but not that actively due to being busy with our careers. We eventually got pregnant in January of 2011, but that ended early. We got pregnant again in October of 2011, but that ended early as well. After that, we took a break to heal both physically and emotionally, and in September 2012, we got pregnant which resulted in the birth of our daughter in May 2013 when I was 38 years old.
I know that there is a lot of research regarding age and motherhood. Everyone says you should have your first child before you turn 35 because the risks in pregnancy go up after that. But you can’t really control when you get pregnant. If you could, I’m sure there are plenty of people who would have had kids earlier or later than they did. But as I reflect back on motherhood thus far, I wouldn’t change a thing.
Why I like being an older mom: (This is just my opinion and in no way meant to say that young moms feel differently.)
1. I have a better sense of who I am. As I have gotten older, I honestly don’t care as much what others think of me. When I was younger, I was so much more insecure as a person and spent much of my 20’s trying to please others and cared a great deal about what people thought. It left me feeling drained and unhappy because I was making decisions or living my life for others, and to make them happy instead of how I wanted to. It wasn’t like I was doing this all the time, but I remember placing a great deal of importance on other people’s opinions and what they thought. And now it’s not that I don’t care what someone thinks, but it doesn’t rule over me.
3. Choosing career vs. staying home. I had a great career as a teacher for 14 years. (Yes! 14!) So once I had my daughter, I knew I wanted to stay home with her pending our financial situation. Things worked out so I was able to stay home and I don’t regret it one bit. There are moments when I do wish I had more adult conversations, but I know that childhood is fleeting so I’m trying to enjoy it as much as I can. I know that I will never have this opportunity to be with my daughter like this again. Growing up my parents worked all the time to build a better life for us. As much as I appreciate all that they have done, I wish that they could have spent more time with us instead of constantly working.
4. Not a lot of regret. Being an older mom, I don’t feel like having a child has robbed me of my youth or time. In my 20’s and 30’s, I got to travel, buy things I wanted, and hung out with friends enough so that once I got married and started a family, I didn’t have a lot of regrets (minus maybe traveling to Europe). Of course there will still be places that I want to travel to or things to buy, but I am very happy and grateful to be where I am right now.
5. Financial security. Because both Mr. SB and I worked for many years prior to getting married and having a child, we are more financially secure. We don’t have a huge amount of debt and we are not living paycheck to paycheck. I remember when I first graduated from college and got a job, money was tight. I was also paying off school loans which added to my financial burden. I couldn’t imagine adding a child into the mix. I know many people do it and kudos to them. We still have a budget and don’t go on lavish vacations, but we also don’t constantly worry about finances.
What I don’t like about being an older mom:
1. I might miss out on some of life’s moments. I know I’m not that old, but by the time she graduates from high school and college, I’ll be in my 60s. I joke that I might be in a wheelchair by then! I also think about how old I’ll be when she gets married and if she chooses to get married later in life like I did, then I don’t know if I’ll be around to see it or to see her have kids herself! If I was younger, then there would be a greater chance of being around for all those special moments and being able to enjoy them.
2. All my friends’ kids are older. Almost all of my friends from high school and college have kids who are in elementary school or older. It makes trying to arrange play dates difficult, so I feel like I can’t really hang out with our kids because mine is so young. That was one of the reasons finding a first time mommy group was so important for me.
3. I get tired. I think I have a lot of energy for being a 40 year old mom. I try to take Little SB on playdates, outings and play with her, but I get tired and by the end of the night, there’s very little energy for much more. If I were younger, I think I would have more energy and maybe even go out after her bedtime, but these days, I want to go to bed when she does!
4. Treatment at the hospital. I know it was a necessary evil, but I really disliked being labeled AMA and having to go through extra tests because of my age. I also had to do a non stress test every week during the last few weeks of my pregnancy. It was rather taxing having to go to so many doctors’ appointments. I know that they are all precautionary measures, but sometimes I wish they wouldn’t assume older moms need all those extra tests and almost scare them into thinking they need them. As a first time mom, I listened to my doctor and did pretty much everything they suggested. I don’t know if I will do all that the next time.
5. Having another baby. Due to being an older mom, I should have had my second child last year! All joking aside, I do wish in some ways that I got pregnant right away after having my first child. I know that if we want a sibling for her, we need to get pregnant asap and I don’t like that kind of pressure.
Are you happy with the age that you became a mom? Would you do anything differently?
wonderful kiwi / 23653 posts
I would never ever ever guess your age! You look like you’re barely 30! I totally get it.. I’m 30 and I look like I can be in high school!
guest
I had my child at 36 and am trying for another at 38. I do feel like I’m going to be the “old” mom, but it is what it is. What else can I do? I never really thought that far down the road to realize that I may never meet my grandkids if my children wait to have kids. That’s a sobering thought and makes me want to cry. But I have to agree with the financial freedom aspect. I can’t imagine the stress of parenthood with worrying about making ends meet on top of that.
guest
I was 43 when I had our little guy which is pretty unremarkable where we live (Washinhton DC). While I don’t regret waiting at all, I also didn’t realizr that my parents would be older as well! So we have a lot less precious grandparent time.
grapefruit / 4731 posts
Thanks for sharing this story with us! I sort of wish I had kids younger but it is what it is.
pomelo / 5298 posts
I absolutely wish I had my kids younger, but when you don’t get married until you are 35 that’s challenging. Oh well, we are making the best of being “older parents” and I managed being AMA twice
grapefruit / 4441 posts
I had my kids at 34 and 37. I didn’t have any extra tests or ultrasounds for my second pregnancy, other than Verifi non-invasive dna testing.
I would have liked to have my kids earlier, but I got married at 33, so I couldn’t do much about it. I agree with all the positives you posted. For me, the only big negative is that I don’t have the energy I used to have, so both pregnancy and child rearing are a little harder than I think they would have been a decade ago.
blogger / nectarine / 2043 posts
I’m glad I waited to have my first (I was 32 when she was born). It took me that long to be ready for kids, and given how much of a nutcase I became after having her, I can’t imagine how ridiculous I would have been had I been younger and less prepared. I’m not sure I’ll have another one, but if I do, it won’t be before I turn 35 (next March). I set 35 as a cutoff age for myself, but if the urge strikes for another, as long as it’s medically healthy for me to have another, I’ll go for it regardless of age.
wonderful pear / 26210 posts
I was pregnant with my son while living in Europe, there, AMA begins at 40!
blogger / eggplant / 11551 posts
Thanks for sharing your perspective! I liked that you highlighted both the pros and cons. For us, we had an oopsie baby when we were 27… a few years sooner than we would’ve liked to start our family, so the first couple years did leave us feeling some regret. We mourned not getting to travel together more, and missing out on some of the fun things our friends were doing at the time.
But life is funny… because now that our kids are almost 3 and 5, we are so happy the way things turned out, and those regrets seem silly now (we’re lucky that we both traveled a lot in college/post-college so it’s not like we totally missed out on child-free travel). We got pregnant at a time when my MIL was able to help with our children (she really wouldn’t be able to now bc she’s the primary caregiver to my FIL who has dementia, and also is flying back to Korea for 10 months at a time to take care of her own elderly, ill parents), we discovered how much we love sharing life’s experiences with our kids and traveling with them. We feel like it forced us to grow up faster and get our finances squared away sooner… whereas a lot of our friends are still not thinking long term and are spending money on fun, frivolous things. It’s just so nice to be on the other side of the baby stage, and feel like we still have a lot to look forward to.
pear / 1622 posts
Back in the day I really wanted to get married and have kids in my 20s because my parents were in their 30s and 40s when they had me. I ended up getting married and having LO at age 36. Sure I would have liked to meet Mr. Right and get married younger but I am more happy that I met Mr. Right period and we have a LO. I am right there with you on #1, 2, and 4 with what I like being an older mom
A lot of women where I work are having their first LO in their 30s so that makes me feel less out there but I do get tired and wonder if I will be able to have a second LO.
My parents are still around and I am thankful I have had 30+ plus great years with them as parents.
grapefruit / 4923 posts
i had my first at 36 and will be having #2 just shy of 39. i share a lot of your likes and dislikes about being a slightly older mom. and thank you for mentioning the emotionally stable point–i hadn’t thought of it before but this is definitely true for me, and one that i hope benefits our family!
guest
I had my first at 39, and didn’t hurry all that much and about to have my second at 42. Sure I’d like to be younger when the kids will be out of the house, but I think that’s my main gripe about being older. I was also lucky to be able to get pregnant easily (though I did experience a miscarriage). If I were to do it all over again, I think I would start sooner but only so that I never had to feel the time pressure, or have a bigger family or whatever. But I was never interested in marriage or family much so it is what it is and it doesn’t bother me one bit.
blogger / pomegranate / 3044 posts
Really interesting perspective! I got married at 23 and had my oops baby at 24, although our plan was to still start before 30. Sometimes people are surprised to hear I have two LOs and that I’m definitely done at 28. Very few of our friends our age have Kris yet, so it can be isolating.
Thanks for the great post!
blogger / apricot / 349 posts
@snowjewelz: You’re so sweet. Most people look at me with their mouths open when I tell them I am 40.
@Kim: Yes, I try not to dwell or think too far ahead of myself but enjoy each day otherwise I would be a puddle of tears. You never know what life will throw at you so I just try to appreciate the time I have.
@Sylvia: my parents had me and my brother when they were in their early 20’s so they are in their mid 60’s right now. Luckily my daughter gets to spend time with them while they are still young and active.
blogger / apricot / 349 posts
@Raindrop: You’re welcome! I know. I wish too but what can we do?
@MamaG: That’s so good to hear! We are trying for another child but hubs has been busy working or traveling so timing hasn’t been working out. lol.
@78h2o: I’ll probably do what you did and not have as many tests, etc unless they force me to. I know. I wish I had more energy too.
@Mrs. Carrot: We’re all a little nutty after kids. So much to take care of and deal with. At least we all have each other! I think it’s perfectly ok not to have another child unless you really want to. I read an article the other day about how a lot of people are choosing to be one and done and how that’s ok. And if people say otherwise, it’s really none of their business.
@looch: OHH! I had no idea that AMA starts at 40 in Europe!
blogger / apricot / 349 posts
@Mrs. High Heels:
I always love your perspective on things. You and your family always seem to have so much fun! And life IS funny- there’s no real perfect time for kids but some seasons are better than others but we just have to make the most of it and be grateful for what we have. I have one friend who had kids when she was 23 and now her oldest is going to college and her other two are in high school/jr high. They travel without kids a lot and do all sorts of fun things while I’m here wiping poopy diapers. lol
blogger / apricot / 349 posts
@autumnleaves: I know. I wonder if I can have a second too. I’m not THAT tired but just thinking about no sleep with a toddler running around makes me cringe. But then I have to remind myself that it won’t always be like that.
@edelweiss: I think it definitely benefits the family when the mom is emotionally stable. It’ll probably make your kids more stable too so they know what kind of person you are and not wonder if you’ll get upset with them one day over nothing and then be ok with the same behavior the next day.
@potatomom: Congrats! That’s so good to hear. I stress out a little with trying to get pregnant since I’ll be 41 in October. I always wanted two kids so I’m hoping I can get pregnant by the end of the year.
@Mrs. Tiger: I posted in a comment earlier about one of my friends from college who had her first when she was 23 and has two other sons. Now she is 41 and her oldest just graduated high school and her other two are in high school/jr high. She travels with her husband a lot and they have so much fun together. I get envious of the freedom she has and how she can enjoy her life now but I remember how she said it was really hard when she first had kids because no one had them yet.
grapefruit / 4455 posts
I love being a younger mom. I think I just wanted a family more than any of the other things that have become harder to have, so I’m mostly happy with being a mom in my 20s! However, a couple things I think would be easier are career and I wonder if I’d be more calm if I were older. Also, I’m pregnant with #2 but it still took a little while to get pregnant this time around and I’ve had health issues too. So I’m sure everyone knows this but younger doesn’t always mean easy pregnancies (although I sort of assumed it would in the back of my mind…)
bananas / 9973 posts
You definitely have a LOT of energy still and do not look your age! Here, here to all your pros!
apple seed / 3 posts
I love to hear different perspectives on being a mother. Though I think the age when you first become a mother is so difficult to control — who knows when you’ll meet your spouse or when you’re able to get pregnant? Being a younger mom (I was 25 when I had my baby), it’s funny that you write that you wish you had more energy! I wish I had more energy!! I commute on the bus and subway with my one year old every day (about 45 min each way) and by the time she’s in bed, I’m ready to crash! I definitely could not imagine going out with friends — I could not hold an adult conversation! haha.
pear / 1672 posts
Thanks for this! I got married the same years as you at almost 32, and we wanted to have kids as well. Most of my friends. HB is such an interesting disconnect for me because in my world having your first kid in your mid or even late 30’s isn’t out of the norm at all. Being older parents has actually been great for us, especially DH. He’s in a position in his career where he can be more flexible, whereas when he was younger and climbing up the ladder, he worked really crazy hours. He’s able to be more present now than he would have been if we had had LO sooner. Sometimes I wish we had started earlier but for the most part, I love where we are in life.
Also my mother and father had me at 24 and I don’t know any of my grandparents. They all died before I was born or when I was a baby. You never know what life has in store for you.
pomegranate / 3053 posts
I had my first at almost 35 and second at almost 38. Some days I feel old, but at the end of the day, when you’re at a play date/playgroup with other kids your kid’s age you’re not that different than any of the other moms there. At least that’s how I feel right now. All of my friends since moving overseas are younger than me, some by 10 years; but we all have one thing in common and that is the same age child. We all enjoy a ladies night out without the kids and it doesn’t feel that much different than having a ladies night out with friends around my age.