A few days ago, Little Oats and I were in the kitchen making breakfast. Since it was a work and daycare day, cereal was the food of choice, and since we’d just been grocery shopping, there were a few choices. I showed Little Oats the Apple Cheerios, the Multigrain Cheerios, and the Rice Krispies. “Which would you like for breakfast?” I asked her.

She stared at the boxes, and pointed to the Apple Cheerios. So, I poured some into a bowl, and set it down in front of her. “No WANT Cheerios,” she yelled, pushing the bowl away. “Yuck!”

Puzzled (because the kid loves her Cheerios), I tried to take the bowl away and put them back in the box. This resulted in an epic tantrum; screaming, flailing, throwing things, and just generally melting down until we sat together on the couch with her baby doll to calm down.

What had happened? How had asking her to choose, then following through with her choice, turned into such a source of distress? Choices were supposed to be good for toddlers, weren’t they? I was allowing her to express her opinion and assert her independence, but it had backfired in a big way. I realized, through several more tantrums and a ton of research, that these issues were because of TOO MUCH CHOICE. Yes, choices are a great thing; but too many choices are overwhelming and difficult.

In No Bad Kids: Toddler Discipline Without Shame, Janet Lansbury talks about the importance of setting boundaries, while still allowing a child to maintain some freedom. Life for a toddler is already confusing enough. Sometimes, they need to be reminded that there is someone else in control; someone who can make big decisions for them when they are overwhelmed. Limiting a child’s choices not only provides the child with the freedom to make a choice, but also gives them the ability to feel satisfied with the choice they make.

When you throw open your child’s closet, and ask them to choose what they would like to wear for the day, the options are endless. Having too many choices means that you spend your time and energy making a decision, and have no energy left for executing the decision made. If your child spends twenty minutes choosing the perfect shirt and tutu, not only will you have drastically reduced the time you have to get her dressed, but what if her choice isn’t weather appropriate? What if things don’t fit properly? What if she changes her mind once the tutu is on?

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“No matter what our age, too much choice can paralyze our decision making, and lead to putting off a decision rather than making a less-than-perfect one.” – Barry Schwartz, The Paradox of Choice.

Limiting the choices available to your child seems to be the way to go in this situation. Pare down your options before you present them; every morning, Little Oats gets to choose between two shirts to wear; everything else is chosen for her. It’s rarely a struggle anymore – she picks the shirt she likes best, and the rest just follows. Setting limits is important; it gives children the sense of safety and security, and helps them to create balance in their lives. It also reinforces the idea that they are not in control of everything around them – some things just aren’t available as an option.

Choices are a great thing, when they’re appropriate. Many times, I’ve heard myself asking Little Oats for her opinion on a situation that really isn’t open for negotiation. “Should we go grocery shopping now?” I ask, only to be surprised and frustrated when she yells “NO!” and refuses to put on her boots. “Would you like to have a bath tonight?” I ask after dinner. “NO BATH!”, and we’re back at square one. Not every decision is your child’s to make; sometimes, they need to go along with the plan, because that’s how real life works.

Try telling that to a stubborn two year old (or three year old, or four year old…). Not having a choice in what comes next is just about a surefire way to start a tantrum. Some things, like a general schedule for the day, is pretty inflexible and should remain that way. Meal times, bath time, personal hygiene and bedtime are certain things that can’t change (otherwise, how is your child going to learn boundaries?). You can offer a choice, if you wish, of which pyjamas they can wear to bed, but the actual GOING to bed isn’t an option.

So, how can you offer the illusion of choice in a non-negotiable situation? You can allow your child to pick the how, even once you’ve determined the when, where and why.

You can let your child choose if she would like a ponytail or pigtails in her hair (how), but having her hair brushed before school isn’t open for discussion (most days…). Your toddler has to eat his vegetables, because they’re healthy and good for him. But, would he rather eat them like a puppy dog, or like a monster? Does your daughter want to walk through the grocery store on her tiptoes or marching?

I say all of this knowing full well that toddlers are completely unreasonable creatures. Yes, these boundaries, choices, and guidelines look great on paper, but do they work in real life?

Yesterday, Little Oats joined me in the kitchen again to make breakfast. This time, I made her a bowl of oatmeal, and put blueberries on the counter. Then I told her she could choose how many blueberries to put in her bowl. Breakfast went off without a hitch, there were no tantrums, and Little Oats still felt as though she had a choice and was able to help make her breakfast.

That’s one scenario, and in this case, it seemed to work out pretty well. Obviously life with toddlers isn’t predictable, and there’s a very real chance that the next time we try to make breakfast together, she’ll throw the blueberries on the floor and demand waffles instead. But small steps are what counts, and if I can reduce the tantrums and build Little Oats’ sense of independence at the same time, I’m all for it.