Hellobee

Many experts say that the two most important things parents can give their kids is love and discipline. Loving our kids can come pretty easily, but disciplining them can be difficult or frustrating. When I hear the word discipline, I think of punishment. Even the dictionary defines discipline as punishment. I grew up in a home where I was punished whenever I got in trouble. It left me feeling hurt and distrustful of my mom who was the one who did the disciplining. Even as an adult, it still stings when I think about how I was disciplined and how that impacted my relationship with my mom.

When I became a teacher, I had to have a discipline policy in my classroom. It consisted of rules and consequences. It was a set of boundaries and expectations of behavior in the classroom so that all children could learn and feel safe. When I first started teaching, my inability to effectively implement my discipline policy greatly affected my classroom. It wasn’t chaos but it wasn’t pretty. It left me feeling frustrated and flustered at time. I was just trying to survive.

Being the parent of a toddler can feel like that. As a first time parent, when Little SB is pushing my buttons and having a meltdown because she didn’t get her way, sometimes I just want to throw in the towel. It makes me wonder whether she is doing that on purpose or not. But I know she isn’t doing it on purpose because there are certain characteristics of toddlers that make them the way they are. As the parent, I need to remember that she is learning about the world and doesn’t see it the way I do.

As I stated in a previous post, I’ve been attending a toddler parenting class and the class on discipline was such an eye opening one for me. I’ve always thought of discipline as a way of addressing misbehavior, but it should actually be an ongoing way of interacting with your child to encourage good behavior, prevent misbehavior, and resolve problem behavior when it occurs. It should provide guidelines and support for your child as they are learning how to behave and manage their emotions and relationships with others.

Encouraging Good Behavior

– “Catch them being good.” At my old elementary school, we used to have something called “GOTCHA’S.” Basically they were like referrals but were given to kids when we caught them doing something good. So many times, we focus on the negative instead of the positive. During a typical day with Little SB, I find myself saying, “No, don’t touch that.” Don’t jump, don’t do this, don’t do that, etc. I focus on what I don’t want her to do so much that sometimes I forget to acknowledge what she is doing. I’ve been trying to be more intentional and praise her for her behavior and catch her doing good instead of constantly criticizing or correcting her.

– Teach by example. Children are always learning from us whether we are teaching them directly or by how we behave. How many times have we heard a toddler say a curse word? That toddler or child probably heard it from somewhere. If I want Little SB to behave a certain way, I have to model the appropriate behavior. And if I make a mistake, I should acknowledge my mistakes to show that adults are not perfect – not even parents!

– Have clear rules and explain why they are important. I took a mommy and me class last year with Little SB and I remember the teacher getting upset because a child took an outdoor toy up a ramp when it’s not allowed. The only thing was that teacher never told the class that they had to stay in a certain area, so the child wasn’t doing it because he wanted to disobey. He just didn’t know any better! I have to be mindful of this with Little SB and instead of getting upset when she misbehaves, to think about whether I’ve explained the boundaries and expectations and if she knew them.

Preventing Misbehavior

Isn’t it so much easier to prevent misbehavior from happening than to deal with it afterwards? There have been numerous times when Little SB has a meltdown and sometimes I could have prevented it by using some of these strategies in the parenting “toolkit.” Other times, it’s too late and she is just going to tantrum because she wants to, but more often than not one of these strategies works. Sometimes I have to go through a lot of them.

– Offer choices for things within reason. When I give Little SB choices on what to wear, what to eat, what to play, or who to play with, it gives her a sense of control and independence. She is less likely to throw a fit because she was able to make the choice even if I controlled what she could choose from.

– Redirection. It stops the unwanted behavior and directs it to something more appropriate. For example, Little SB loves to yell but I don’t want her to yell inside the house so instead of telling her STOP, I can remind her that she has to use an inside voice and that we can go outside to yell.

– Distract, distract, distract. This worked really well when she was younger but now it depends on what I distract her with. Instead of replacing the inappropriate behavior with an appropriate one, the goal is to take her mind and energy away from the inappropriate behavior with something completely different.

– State requests positively. I have to remind myself that instead of saying “Don’t run” or “Stop running.” I should say “Please walk.” When I say the “Don’t run,” the last thing Little SB will remember is “run” and that’s exactly what she will do.

– Anticipating your child’s needs. If I have to run errands or go somewhere during nap time or mealtime, I might need to reschedule or figure out a way for Little SB’s needs to be taken care of. If she is tired or hungry, she will be cranky. As the parent, I have the responsibility to meet her needs especially when she is young and can’t meet her own needs.

– Grant in fantasy what you can’t give in real life. I haven’t tried this strategy yet because I don’t think Little SB is old enough to really understand but I’m looking forward to using it. I remember reading about how Mr. Bee used it with Charlie and a cupcake.

– Forewarning. Children like routines and to know what’s going to happen next. Some thing that has worked well for me and Little SB is when I tell her what we are going to do next. We used to battle with the iPad. I would let her use it for a certain amount of time during the day, usually before nap time. She used to throw a tantrum when it was time for her to turn off the iPad. When I started telling her how many shows she could watch, remind her when it was the last show, and that she could watch it later (tomorrow), she was better about turning it off because she knew what was coming up next. Sometimes she would whine but she would still listen!

Manage and Resolve Problem Behavior

It’s inevitable that children misbehave. That will happen often in toddlerhood because they are learning boundaries, social skills, and how to communicate. When it does happen, one of the most important things I learned was that the consequence needs to be reasonable, related, respectful, and remedial. For example, I asked Little SB to clean up some toys she was playing with, she didn’t listen and kept playing with something else. I told her that we needed to clean up and that I would help her but she still didn’t want to clean up. So I told her that if she cleaned up or we cleaned up together, she would get to keep the toys but if I cleaned up by myself, I got to keep the toys for two days. She still didn’t help clean up so I cleaned up and then took the toys upstairs into our bedroom. She threw a fit and cried but I had already told her what I was going to do and then followed through with it. Then I distracted her with something else.

In this example, the consequence is reasonable because I wasn’t going to keep the toys forever or throw them away, but told her that I would keep them for two days because she didn’t help clean up. The consequence was related to the behavior. I didn’t tell her that we would never go to Disneyland because she didn’t clean up her toys. Those two things are not related and wouldn’t make sense to her. It was respectful because I didn’t embarrass her or yell at her. I tried to stay calm and spoke to her in a firm voice. It was remedial because she learned that I would stick to my word and the next time I asked her to clean up, she knew I would follow through with the consequence.

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I am constantly trying to figure out how to discipline my toddler without squashing her spirit or self esteem. I want to preserve our relationship unlike what happened between my mother and me. I also want her to grow up to be a happy, well-adjusted person who is self-reliant and self-controlled. Sometimes I do lose it and I feel some major mom-guilt over it. But I know that I’ll have other opportunities to put into practice the things I’m learning to be a better parent and mom.

Do you have any discipline tips? What strategies have worked for you?