Hellobee

Life in our family has radically changed for us since we changed how we parent Charlie a few months ago. We used to really struggle with my son’s listening (and by listening, I mean, not listening). But after we started adding more snuggles to our routine, we’ve seen an enormous change in his behavior.

He just feels so much more LOVED, and it is so obvious in how different he is with us. He listens incredibly well now, because he loves us and wants to please us. This is a huge change from before, where his love for us seemed to flicker in and out like an old lightbulb. Now that lightbulb is securely attached, and the love radiates out from him in a completely different way.

The whole experience has been so surprising! I guess there are three things that have surprised me most:

1. The Primacy of Physical Touch

Originally I thought that every kid was different, and that you had to figure out their specific love language and tailor your parenting. What I’ve noticed though is that while a lot of kids may have an additional love language (my daughter loves gifts!), many of them seem to love physical touch too.

The other day, I asked my son to tell me his three favorite things in the world. He said, #1 was hugs, #2 was snuggles and #3 was tickling.

My daughter also loves hugs, snuggling and tickling. I actually have trouble relaxing on the couch these days because every time I do, the kids come running over to snuggle with me. I don’t mind, because life with listening kids is soooo much better than life with non-listening kids!

2. The Power of Morning Snuggles

Getting my son to school on time is still the most stressful part of my day. I used to plan out every minute of my morning, along with a healthy buffer for when he would refuse to brush his teeth, get dressed, or put on his shoes.

What I found is that if I schedule a few minutes to just relax and snuggle with my son instead, then we don’t need that buffer. He usually heads to the couch when he wakes up, so I try to join him as soon as I can and talk to him for a few minutes. Then when he gets going for the day, he tends to listen much better.

I thought maybe our situation was unique, but a friend of mine was struggling with tantrums during the morning rush to daycare. For two straight weeks, her son threw tantrums on the way out the door, and nothing that she was doing was working. She and her husband did all the same things I used to do, focusing on treating the symptoms (his tantrums) with discipline techniques – like timeouts and natural consequences. But nothing was working, so she asked me if I had any ideas.

I suggested that they try out morning snuggles, and see if it helped. I was expecting it to be a slow process, but I heard from her the next day: the morning snuggles had completely eliminated the tantrums! Two weeks later, and her son has completely stopped throwing tantrums in the mornings.

I was surprised it worked so quickly, but that’s actually consistent with our experience. Physical touch has a power and immediacy that a lot of other parenting techniques do not.

3. The impact on my kids’ friendship

What I didn’t anticipate in all this is that my daughter would also respond to it. But not in the way that you think: she hasn’t been listening that well lately, and all this snuggling hasn’t really helped. (I actually wonder if snuggling and love might be more effective for slightly older kids – she is 3 1/2 and Charlie is 5 1/2.)

The impact has been on two fronts. First off, I’ve noticed that she really loves to snuggle now. She can’t get enough of it – it’s like the increase in snuggling has made her want it more. It’s like potato chips: you can’t have just one.

But more importantly, I’ve noticed that she’s become much more physically affectionate with her brother – and much, much closer to him as well! A big part of that has just got to be that she is getting older and more interesting to her brother. But I’ve noticed that in pictures, Charlie will be touching her arm or have his arm around her shoulder.

And they are truly closer than ever. They can play together for hours and hours. Most of all, they are increasingly inseparable. This morning Charlie woke up and his sister was still sleeping, but he woke her up when I wasn’t looking. The other morning, Olive did the same thing to him! They are so happy to spend time together that they don’t want to miss a minute together! It truly warms my heart to see their friendship deepen over time.