I was not happy to have a c section with my first delivery. When it happened, and for some time after, I was very upset and had a hard time understanding that what really mattered was that Liam and I were healthy. Now that almost 3 years have passed, I am so grateful that there were no further complications and that my recovery wasn’t too bad. That doesn’t mean I’m ready to schedule another c section, though.

First, I’m not completely convinced that my first c section was absolutely necessary. I was induced 5 days before my due date because my amniotic fluid was measuring on the low end and Liam’s head was measuring big. Now I know that those measurements are not always accurate, though. While Liam did (and still does) have a very large head when he was born, that doesn’t mean that it wouldn’t fit through my pelvis. He might have not been in the correct position and being induced may have caused him to be lodged in there in the wrong way. If he had descended on his own, he may have been able to fit. As for fluid levels, they are measured by finding pockets on an ultrasound. One technician might find a certain amount one day, while a different technician might find something different just hours later. The baby’s position can make pockets easier or harder to find, as well as other factors.

After more than 48 hours of labor and 3 hours of pushing, my doctor recommended a c section. He first made the recommendation, then asked the nurse about the baby’s heart rate, making me feel like that was an afterthought and not the true reason for needing the procedure. Sure, I was ready to give up after 3 hours of pushing in many different positions, but I felt like the doctor’s real reason was that it was late on a Friday night and he wanted to go home.

My biggest problem with having the c section was not the recovery, as mine wasn’t too terrible, but that I was separated from Liam for two hours after he was born. They brought him to me after bundling him up, as most hospitals do, but then he was taken to the nursery while I was stitched up and put in a recovery room. My husband went with Liam, but was not allowed by the nurse to do skin to skin with him (she later got in trouble for that) and I was alone with a nurse checking on me every so often. After two hours, I was wheeled into the postpartum room and reunited with Liam, where we tried nursing for the first time.

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Breastfeeding was also more difficult since I’d had a c section. It took a while for my milk to come in and when it did, I wasn’t producing a ton. I had to nurse Liam constantly in those early days and it was very painful because I had a flat nipple on one side. Luckily, we were able to continue nursing and didn’t have to supplement, but I think it might have been easier on both of us if I had had a vaginal delivery.

Going in to this second delivery, my stance has been that I don’t want to schedule a c section unless absolutely necessary. I do think it would be convenient to be able to plan the delivery, especially when considering childcare for Liam, but I know that if I don’t give myself a chance at having a VBAC, I will regret it. I know that the birth of my child will not mean any less if I have another c section and that what is most important is a healthy baby, but I at least want to give it a shot. I also know that some women who have had both a vaginal delivery and a c section say that their recovery from the c section was easier, but that usually isn’t the norm.

Luckily, my doctor now (a different one since Liam was born) is very supportive and confident that I can have a successful VBAC. She tells me to visualize that it will happen and not let a c section enter as a possibility in my mind. I know myself, though, and I need to be at peace with a second c section if that’s what ends up happening. So, my frame of mind has been that I won’t schedule one unless it is necessary for medical reasons and that I will try for a VBAC, but if I have a c section, I will accept that. I know that if the exact same thing happens as it did when I had Liam, I will not be as sad about it because I can see that the birth is such a small part of having and raising a child. Plus, I am having this baby at a different hospital with a different policy surrounding the separation of the mother and baby in the case of a c section. As long as we are both ok, I will not be in a recovery room by myself for two hours if I have another c section, which makes me feel better.

So far, things are looking good in terms of my chances of trying for a VBAC. As of last Monday, at almost 36 weeks, the baby was head down, but Liam was flipping until 37 weeks, so we will see what things look like at my appointment this week. My fluid levels look good and she is measuring right on track – so far, she is not following in her brother’s big headed footsteps. Anything can happen, though, so I am trying to just take things day by day. I’m drinking a ton of water, trying to stay a bit active, which is easier this time around as I have Liam to chase, and focusing on what our lives will be like after the delivery. I am so excited and at the same time so nervous to add a new member to our family!