I was able to successfully provide breast milk for Miss H until she was 10 months old, after which we switched to formula. My milk supply was never amazing so by 10 months I just couldn’t keep up with pumping enough for her and since I work full time out of the house; I could only nurse her in the morning and evening during the week. But making it to 10 months made me happy.
When thinking about having Miss Hop and Mr. Hop, I didn’t set any breastfeeding goals for myself. I wasn’t sure how it would go and if we’d be able to make it work or not, or what it would be like to breastfeed twins. In the hospital we had great lactation consultants who were super helpful. Mr. Hop had a great latch but wasn’t terribly interested in nursing, while Miss Hop was super excited about nursing all the time but had a shallow latch. Because of this, even attempting to tandem nurse in the beginning wasn’t an option because each needed a lot of TLC to get them to successfully nurse.
Our first night home from the hospital was a nightmare. The babies were hungry and needy, my milk wasn’t in, and the time it took to get a baby, get him/her to latch, change his/her diaper, swaddle, and then repeat the same with the other baby meant non-stop feedings with no breaks for mom. I was exhausted and incredibly stressed.
Then the next day at 4 days old (just the day after we got out of the hospital!) blood tests revealed that Miss Hop’s jaundice levels were too high and she needed to be admitted to the hospital in order to get her levels down. I was admitted with her, which meant Mr. Hop had to stay at home without me. Both babies had to be supplemented with formula – Mr. Hop because I wasn’t home with him and Miss Hop because my milk wasn’t in yet and she needed the fluids to help flush the bilirubin out of her system. I was able to nurse her in addition to the formula, but her interest in nursing was waning with each bottle she received. I had no milk, making me far less appealing than a bottle.
Once we were all reunited the next day, I tried resuming nursing each baby. They both showed zero interest in nursing, their latches were terrible, and I was at my wit’s end. Crying and crying, I made the tough decision to not nurse these babes. I knew that I’d miss that special connection you get with breastfeeding, along with the ease of not having to make a bottle or pay for expensive formula. But a friend made a very interesting point as I was debating what to do. She told me that when they go through the safety instructions on an airplane, they instruct you to put your oxygen mask on first before putting it on your child – in order to be the best help to your child you have to first take care of yourself.
This really struck home with me. Trying to breastfeed these babies around the clock was already causing so much stress, anxiety, and exhaustion. First and foremost I needed to take care of myself and under this circumstance taking care of myself meant taking the pressure off of myself and how my babies were fed.
We busted out the bottles, bought formula, and went with it. I’m pumping whenever I can and provided each baby 2-3 bottles of breast milk per day. It’s difficult to find the time to pump but I do my best and am happy that I can offer them something.
Making the decision not to breastfeed was difficult, as I mentioned above, but I also have been able to see the silver lining – our family has loved the opportunity to give the babies bottles and bond with them. If I were breastfeeding, I’d probably spend the majority of our visits locked away in the nursery feeding one baby after the other. With bottle feeding everyone is able to participate and have the chance to hold a sleepy, happy, milk drunk baby in their arms.
I’m still not sure how we’ll manage the extra costs of formula for these two over the next year, and a big part of me still mourns the loss of breastfeeding, but I feel confident with the fact that I made the right decision for me and in turn that is the right decision for my family.
wonderful grape / 20453 posts
I hope you can come to peace with your decision soon! If your babies are able to take Sam’s Club or Costco formula, we were able to spend very little on formula for E throughout the year, compared to other what other formulas costs. Hopefully in a few months, this is all water under the bridge
kiwi / 566 posts
So glad that you were able to make the choice that was right for you, and I agree with @blackbird: I hope any remaining guilt you have disapates as you realize how the choice is helping your family in all the ways you mentioned (your well-being, bonding with other family members, etc.) And I definitely second generic formula: we buy store-brand and it’s SO MUCH cheaper!!
I had so much guilt when I started supplementing with formula because of low supply and latch issues. But I found that it actually improved our relationship tenfold: I no longer had so much anxiety over producing enough milk for her and not meeting her needs! When I went to exclusively formula feeding about a month later, I no longer had the guilt because I knew it was best for our particular circumstance and for our bonding as mother and child. Breast is best for many, but it wasn’t for me and isn’t for you, and that’s OK!
grapefruit / 4235 posts
I’m sorry you’re disappointed in not being able to breastfeed this time. You’re doing what’s best for your family and your babies.
I’m not sure if you know this already, but many formula manufacturers (and diaper companies) have special programs in which they send parents of multiples FREE formula and diapers. If you have a local Moms of Multiples chapter, they shoudl be able to point you in the right direction. Every little bit helps!
persimmon / 1165 posts
HUGS! I truly know how you feel. When my boys were born, they latched well but it took forever for my milk to come in and they were nursing for 45+ minutes at a time. It was nonstop exhaustion and at the time, I believed that my supply was lacking. We supplemented with formula and I beat myself up endlessly over it. I felt like a failure and my one regret today is not going easier on myself. I switched to pumping and we would do about half/half for formula and breast milk. The cost of formula was also very scary for us. Miraculously, around 6 weeks, my supply grew like crazy and I was suddenly able to pump enough for both of them without having to add in formula. I did this for one year. It’s crazy to think back to that year and everything I put myself through. While I’m proud of what I accomplished, I know now looking back that it would have been okay if EP’ing didn’t work out and they were formula fed. That doesn’t diminish my abilities as their mother. It took me a long time to get to that state of mind. I keep a saying taped to my desk now to remind myself of that sentiment – “Today, I will do what I can do and let that be enough.”
blogger / pomelo / 5361 posts
You are raising twins, and whatever decision you make on how to feed them is the right one! Don’t let guilt enter the equation!
We had to start supplementing in the NICU, so there was never a time they weren’t on either donated breastmilk or formula. I really wanted to be able to breastfeed them, though, so when we came home I tried so hard to get up to that with a combination of BFing, pumping, and supplementing with formula. I had two things that eventually made me decide to formula feed. (1) Another twin mama told me, “This is not the hill you die on.” That really resonated with me because I was making BFing them the thing I stressed, worried, fought for, and obsessed about. (2) The final thing was when the boys were 3 months old and after feeding them, I was pumping while they were laying on the floor playing. I had this epiphany that I was spending all this time pumping to try and get them breast milk during the limited time between feedings that I could be interacting, snuggling, etc. I decided then that I would be engaged and get all the play, snuggles, etc. that I could get and I’d pump when I could do so without taking quality time away from them. I knew that would be the ultimate end of my supply since it was so negligible anyway.
I struggled with guilt for months about not breastfeeding, but it was truly the best thing for our family. Mr. Blue was really bonded early on to the boys because he had just as much interaction as I did. Our family loved helping when they visited. Now, they’re thriving almost two year olds and I have no regrets.
Sidenote: We had to use the expensive preemie formula for the first 8 or so months, but after that we switched to the Target brand with no problem and it was sooo cheap. Just wanted to say that in case you want to explore store brands at some point.
blogger / pomegranate / 3201 posts
Lots of hugs! I can’t imagine nursing twins, one was hard enough!!
blogger / nectarine / 2043 posts
The oxygen mask analogy is perfect and exactly what I thought of when I made the same choice. You’re doing great!
guest
Hugs! You are amazing. Don’t feel guilty. You’re doing what you can. I think it’s great you’re pumping, though.
olive / 57 posts
Yay for those healthy twin babies!! We ended up switching to formula with our first after about 5 weeks of nursing/pumping and I felt guilty too but looking back, it was the best decision for our family FOR SURE! We are now expecting twins in February and I plan to try again with breastfeeding, but go easy on myself if it ends up pushing me/them too far. Also want to second how great Target brand formula is!
blogger / nectarine / 2600 posts
Hugs. I am a bit do whats best for you and thats whast best for baby. I cant imagine nursing twins so hats off to you for what you have done so far and keeping up with pumping. Good job mama!
nectarine / 2152 posts
If there is anything that I would do differently, it is not be so tied to EBFing my twins! I think a combo of formula and BM like you are doing is great and I really wish I had been able to do what you did and take that pressure off myself by deciding to go that route, it would have saved me a lot of stress, time, energy and effort, all of which would have been better put towards managing two infants! Bravo for making the best choice for you and your family!
guest
First, may I say that you are a smart mama. You did exactly what you needed to do for your family. I have seven month old twins who spent the first two months in the NICU where we like several others above had to work hard to get to the point that we could breastfeed. Eventually we had issues with hind and fore milk and now I pump. Sometimes I supplement with formula and have found tremendous freedom in refusing to feel any guilt. We have twins and other children, who has time for guilt!? I’m glad you are able to see the silver lining too.