Juliet is over one now, and my little baby is getting bigger and bigger. Part of me relishes these moments, watching her grow and become more independent and sassy in her personality. Part of me mourns the idea that my little baby isn’t going to be a baby forever. Mr. Chocolate and I are both on board with the idea of growing our family by one more, but the big question is how far apart do we want the next child?
Because I am an only child, I never really thought about the perfect age gap between siblings. I know many people plan their spacing based on their own experiences with their own siblings. Before I had Drake, I had a vague idea of maybe a two year gap since that seemed reasonable, and a lot of people (that I know at least) seemed to space their children that way. After Drake was born, I quickly started to realize that age spacing should really be determined on how much I would be able to take care of two young children, and two years flew out the window very quickly. Since Drake didn’t sleep through the night until he was a year old, I told Mr. Chocolate I would need at least one whole year of good sleep before I would even entertain the thought of another baby.
After Drake turned 2, I was still on the fence about even wanting another baby. I was worried about going through the whole newborn sleepless stage again, and I was also relishing my time with Drake and just didn’t want to stop being able to devote myself solely to him. As the months ticked on, I kept thinking maybe a 3 year gap, maybe even a 4 year one… could we do five?
Mr. Chocolate said that a larger gap would make it harder for us to have a third, and Drake and his siblings might potentially be less close if they were too far apart in age. I wasn’t convinced as I simply had no experience in this. But we did end up conceiving Juliet and she was born 3 years and 2 weeks after her brother. Mr. Chocolate was happy with the 3 year gap, as that is the gap between his siblings.
Now that we are past our first year with Juliet, Mr. Chocolate is once again asking about the time frame for the third, and most likely last child. Shortly after Juliet was born we had a brief conversation about possibly having a two year gap between Juliet and the last, but as the months tick closer to that starting mark I am on the fence again wondering about a three year gap… maybe four?
Here are my pros and cons for a 2 year gap vs. a 3 year gap:
Two year pros:
- Mr. Chocolate and I aren’t getting younger so by having the last one a little sooner, it allows us to be done with our family sooner
- It might make Juliet and the younger one closer since they will be closer in age. Drake will also only be 5 years older than the baby vs 6, and that might help with their closeness
- We’ll be finished with the newborn stage sooner
- Might not have to store all the baby gear away if a new one is coming soon.
Two year cons:
- Less time with Juliet as the baby. Especially since she will be the middle child, I want to make sure I have some time to devote to her as the baby. She already shares her time with Drake so it would be nice to give her some more time.
- Less time for me to complete some personal goals (getting in shape, work, etc.)
- Juliet will still be home as she won’t be old enough for school so even though Drake will be in kindergarten, I’ll still have 2 babies at home to care for
- At 2 Juliet will still be a baby in many ways and it might be hard to manage her and a newborn. Also she might get more upset and jealous because she still doesn’t understand as much
Three year pros:
- I am comfortable with a three year gap since that’s Drake & Juliet’s gap
- Extra time with Juliet as the baby of the family
- Give me time to potty train Juliet before the next one comes so only one diaper to change
- Juliet might be in preschool when baby comes and Drake will be in 1st grade full time so there will be time to be with the baby alone
- Drake & Juliet will both be more independent and if Drake can help Juliet, it will ease my burden just a little
Three year cons:
- I am not getting younger
- Will have to get all the gear out from storage again
- Too much space might make the kids less close
In the end family dynamics and individual personalities may matter more than any age gap. And no matter what we do, I know it’ll all work out… our family will feel perfect because it’s all we know.
What are the pros and cons of your child spacing decisions?
blogger / eggplant / 11551 posts
We have a two year age gap, and it was based on our experiences growing up, knowing we could handle two financially with this gap, and feeling ready for another pretty quickly after our first one turned one.
These are some pros/cons we considered with this gap:
Two year pros:
– Get newborn/baby stage over with faster
– Less tied to baby’s schedule sooner, and could do more family things together sooner – movie nights, camping, vacays, etc.
– Easier to have their schedules coincide – my older one still needs an afternoon nap and hasn’t dropped it yet so I still get downtime!
– Easier to have them participate in similar things at the same time.
– Won’t have to do different pickups/dropoffs as often since they’ll most likely be in the same school for a longer period.
– Older one is still too young to remember a time when it was just her (maybe this is a con too), so having a sibling will always seem like the norm.
– Get pregnancy/babies over with at a younger age.
Two year cons:
– Finances – more time with dual-daycare costs is not pretty.
– Older one isn’t as independent as a 3-4 year age gap.
– They can’t help as much with the baby yet.
– Less 1:1 time with older sibling before younger one arrives.
blogger / pear / 1563 posts
I recently read a book that said a study was done and said that the “ideal child spacing” for the children was 3.5 years. I would probably agree with that actually, but at the same time in our situation we’re not really too picky about the age separation.
guest
My sister and I are 3 years apart, her and our brother are 2 years apart. They were much closer since they spent more time in the same activities and were on the same playground at school together. This is the main reason why we chose a 2 year age gap. However, we ended up having twins…so for a few months we had three under two. It’s been a handful, but really…I wouldn’t change a thing. Also, our daughter pretty much potty trained herself at 18 months, and her transition to a toddler bed was really smooth -so I guess we’ve been lucky to not have to deal with 3 in diapers and 3 in cribs.
blogger / pomegranate / 3491 posts
We shot for 2 and will end up closer to 3. Best laid plans…
GOLD / wonderful apricot / 22646 posts
We’re shooting for 2.5 – 3. DS is 20 months right now.
If we have a third, we’ll TTC when #2 is 1.
pear / 1696 posts
My little sister is six years younger then me (no siblings in-between) and we are pretty close! I loved being able to help take care of her, especially when she got a little older around 5/6 and I was 11/12. I think having a much younger sibling definitely inspired me to start babysitting at a early age as well as dedicate my career to working with children. I m sure Drake and your youngest one will have a special connection even if you end up with a large age gap!
guest
Just a thing to mention, most medical professionals recommend 2 years between pregnancies. As I understand it, closer child spacing (Statistically) results in lower birth weight babies and a greater likelihood of pre-term birth. For our family, I feel like I needed at least a full 12 months of having my body to myself (no pregnancy, no breastfeeding) so that will put our kids at least 3 years apart. That will make it tough for me to have a 3rd before I’m “too old” but we’re not committed to #3…yet…
bananas / 9973 posts
I think if our ages weren’t a factor, I’d like to space anywhere from 3-5 years. Reasons: more one-on-one time with each kid, one would be in preschool, only one in diapers, and later down the line financially speaking for college/cars/weddings, etc. But it’s looking like 3-4 years will be our goal. Because I just couldn’t think of getting pregnant right now to have one when K turns 2.
guest
My husband and his brother are 5 years apart and they were and are best buddies. He doesn’t have a story from his childhood and beyond that doesn’t include him. My brother and I are just under 2 years apart and while I remember positive things about our childhood together we haven’t had a relationship in over 15 years. Food for thought!
guest
My sister and I are 4 years and 5 school grades apart. She is my closest friend. I never felt in competition with her and I loved playing with her at all stages of childhood. I did base my children’s spacing off my experiences. My son just turned 3 and my second is due in October. I’m happy with the 3+ year spacing.
grapefruit / 4049 posts
I have three LOs now so can chime in…
My first two DDs are 3 years, 5 months apart. It wasn’t planned that way… We just waited til after our first for a time when we were ready for a second, and that’s when it happened. The age gap worked out perfectly for us, and now the girls are 6.5 yo and 3 yo and it’s awesome. They are BFFs! They fight here and there, but for the most part, have a nice foundation for a sibling relationship to grow even further in the future. Part of why they are so close too though could be that they are both girls.
The space between #3 and #1 is a little over 6 years, and between #3 and #2 is 2 years and 10 months. So on average, each of my kids is about 3 years apart (give and take a few/couple months) from their closest sibling.
I wouldn’t worry about a 6 yo not bonding with a newborn. Actually, my 6 yo was THEE most excited human being on earth throughout my entire 3rd pregnancy and now too that the baby is here. At that age, everything is super fun and just filled with wonder and joy. She’s also so much more helpful around the house and with the baby now than she was 3 years ago. I can trust her to watch the baby a bit while I take a quick shower sometimes.
My 3 yo who was the youngest until just recently… She’s been handling the new sibling pretty well; better than expected. I’m glad for the almost 3 years I had with her at home with me while #1 was in preschool and kindergarten.
I admire families who have kids with very close age gaps (in my eyes, less than 3 years)… I don’t know how they do it!
I’m sure whatever ends up happening, the kids will be pretty close if it’s something you can try to keep fostering throughout the years. That’s my hope anyway!
wonderful pomelo / 30692 posts
@Mrs. High Heels: Your pro/con list was pretty much identical to what we had!
guest
I’m the oldest of three and six years apart from my youngest brother. I’m close to both my brothers and even remember the youngest one as a baby because I was 6. I don’t think there’s a right or wrong answer, whatever works for you. But I wouldn’t worry about closeness and length of age gap based on my experience.
nectarine / 2210 posts
I’m pregnant with my first right now, so this decision is still probably a ways away. But I’m about 2 and half years older than my brother, while my husband is only 13 months older than his sister. I think the goal would be to plan for about 2 years apart, since they’re still close enough to play together, but not too close to have to fight over or share a group of friends, but I guess you never really know how things will happen.
pomegranate / 3053 posts
I wanted two mainly b/c I am not a spring chicken but it worked out that our boys are one month shy of being 3 years apart. I think a little over 3 would be good, but the gap between our boys is still good. My oldest was in preschool 2x a week when I started my 3rd trimester and then 3x a week when he turned 3 and my youngest was almost 6 months old. I was able to spend some alone time with my second and also not have to have both boys with me 24-7. Also, my oldest was so-called potty trained so out of diapers for the most part and we were able to communicate with each other and understand each other better at 3 as well. The 3 year gap is also good b/c they can still play with the same toys when they are the same sex. My boys LOVE to play with each other. Always looking for the other. They do fight but the pros definitely outweighs the cons of the fighting they go through. We had and still have some jealousy issues with my oldest but I hear that’s pretty common with the older child. So that’s my 2 cents.
GOLD / grapefruit / 4555 posts
Honestly I haven’t thought it that far ahead about spacing for our (proposed) third child except that we would rather be done having children sooner rather than later. Regardless, Patrick will be at least 3 and Olivia will be at least 2, if not 4 and 3. I guess we’ll just see!