Hellobee

One of my good friends just had their first child.  I’m so thrilled for her, and it’s time warped me back to all my hopes, worries, and wonders right before I became a parent.  Having recently reached the milestone of surviving the first year with the Toddler Dudes, I can’t even remember half the things I worried about back then.  I remember being concerned with things like “What are the practical things I need to know about giving a baby a bath?” which are now so much a part of my everyday life that I don’t think twice about them.  Becoming a parent is one of the most exciting and intimidating journeys a human goes through, and there are so many things I wish I could go back and tell myself a year ago.

1.  Don’t pay too much attention to parents that are bemoaning how hard parenting is, how your life will change, how you need to “enjoy it while you can because when you have kids . . .”  It is true that your life will indeed change, that parenting is incredibly challenging, and that there are things that you enjoyed before kids that you either do not have time and energy to do, would be so much work to do said activity with an 8-month old, or find a sitter that you decide it’s not worth it. There’s a time and a place for parents to vent and sometimes it’s okay when they just need some sympathy and support, but before we had our boys, I was pretty scared of being a parent for a really long time because so many parents make it sound as though this is a terrible time in life into which they almost wish they would never have entered.  I think this Coke commercial nailed the way it actually is.

Someone could look at a single day in your life, and at times, they would think there is no way you could be happy.  You may look around at the chaos and wander what the heck you’ve gotten yourself into. BUT, overall the good far outweighs the bad. You love these little people so much, that all the ways your life has changed don’t really bother you like you would have anticipated.  And the idea of doing it all over again (if you plan on more kids) is something that you look forward to (though, this might not kick in for the first few months!).  Parenting is weird like that.  It’s the best crazy that ever was.

So, when you hear a parent talking about how terrible this or that is, don’t take it as a thesis on how utterly terrible being a parent must be.  Chances are when you’re in the thick of it yourself, you’ll get what they were complaining about but you’ll also understand that they likely really do love their kids and love their life and wouldn’t change a thing.

2.  Becoming a parent will change you, it will change your marriage, & it will change your relationships.  These changes aren’t necessarily a bad thing, though they may seem that way at times. Go into it with an open mind that in a year your relationships are virtually guaranteed to have been redefined and altered. Do everything in your power to make sure those changes make your relationships stronger and better, but expect some rough patches.

I’m not the same person I was before I had kids. My body is not the same, and my heart and mind are not the same. I have little pieces of me walking around that I would literally give anything in my power to protect, to help, to benefit. I truly believe there is no love in the world like the love you have for your kids; some other types of love may be just as powerful of an influence in your life, but it’s different. My priorities are different, my lifestyle is different, my wants and needs are different, and I’m okay with all of that because I care so desperately about my sons. While it is unthinkable, if I were to lose them, I wouldn’t go back to the me I was before I had them. They changed who I was utterly and completely in the most beautiful way.

I unquestionably love my husband at a deeper level now than I did a year ago; this does not mean the last year has been smooth sailing all the time. I’ve seen him wake up with our boys in the middle of the night to let me get some sleep. I’ve seen him play with Finn & Elliot until they are giggling uncontrollably. I’ve seen him be strong for us when the circumstances were scary.  Watching him love these little people who are so much a part of myself adds a whole new facet to the love I already had for him. At the same time, some of the toughest moments in our marriage have been in the last year. The first year of parenting is a huge change, and we threw in two babies at once just to make it even more interesting. We’ve had a lot of stresses on our relationship that we didn’t have before having kids. Add to that the fact that your time together is so much more limited. We knew going in that their might be some tough times, and we’ve held on and rode the waves when they arrived. There will be more challenges and more rough waters, but when we come through those times, I always have a deeper sense of security in our relationship and my love for Mr. Blue.

Relationships with parents and friends change, too. You go through a process with your parents and in-laws where you both have to learn to live in the new roles you have. Parents and in-laws have to learn to be grandparents to these little people, not parents. And as new parents, we have to learn to navigate our role as mom and dad in such a way that honors the people who raised us and their roles in our lives and our children’s lives, but also seek to have our decisions as parents honored and respected in turn. Friends without kids sometimes feel like we’re too unavailable now or don’t want to call at a bad time. I sometimes feel like if I call them, I’ll only end up talking about the boys and they’ll resent me.  Those thoughts may or may not be true, but they result in relationship dynamics changing and having to be redefined and explored anew.

Becoming a parent doesn’t mean relationships have to change for the worse, but I wish I would have known to expect that virtually every relationship in my life would be changed to some degree by becoming a parent.

3.  Breastfeeding may not work for you.  That does not make you a failure and it does not mean your baby will be unhealthy, unintelligent, and unbonded.  No. Just no.  Don’t believe that for a single second. Sure, “breast is best” and all that, but if it doesn’t work for you physically or mentally then it is not what is best for your child. What is “best” is that you feed your child a healthy and nutritional choice; that you snuggle them, tell them you love them, play, and sing; that you bathe them and read and rock and put them to bed. Giving your baby formula doesn’t make you a terrible mother.  t doesn’t mean you don’t love your baby enough; in fact, it may mean you love you baby so much you’re willing to sacrifice something that you desperately wanted to work to ensure that both of you are healthy physically, mentally, and emotionally. Your baby can be healthy and happy even if they’re formula fed. It can even be the generic Target formula; scandalous, I know. Even if they’re not breastfed, they will still want to snuggle you and will still raise their hands when you walk into the room. They’ll still learn to talk and walk and be the sweet and special little people that you were gifted. If breastfeeding works for you, then that’s a fantastic choice. I intend to try again if we have another little one, but I wish I wouldn’t have spent so many weeks full of guilt and worry that I was somehow ruining my babies by not being able to give them what was “best.”

 4.  It’s okay to not be okay all the time.  You know those parents that seem like they have it all together? The ones that appear to actually shower every day, probably remember to floss, never have a kid screaming like a banshee in the Target line, and definitely have never discovered they have spit up down their back after they’ve been at work for 2 hours?  Yeah, they’re faking it. None of us feel like we’re doing a great job, are perfectly able to manage everything, are blissfully happy, and not missing a thing about out former life 100% of the time.  I think every honest parent–well, at least this parent–will tell you that sometimes at the end of the day, you’re just really happy that everyone is alive and probably got fed at some point during the day. That’s totally normal and absolutely okay.  It’s okay to sometimes want to run away from your life, even though you love the people in it. It’s okay to be overwhelmed and not know what the heck you’ve done. It’s even okay to wonder if you made the right choice to have a baby. None of those feelings diminish the love you have for your child. I think it’s pretty common to feel some or all of those at some point during the first year of parenting. If you feel this way the majority of the time, you’re having thoughts of hurting yourself or others, or you just don’t feel like you’re coping well, it’s 100% okay (and highly recommended!) that you talk to your doctor, a therapist, a trusted family member or friend, or to call a hotline, which leads me to the next point.

5.  It’s okay to need or want help.  Before the boys were born, I hated that everyone seemed to always think we would need so much help. I wanted everyone to recognize that we were their parents and we were capable of taking care of our children. Sometimes, I still feel that way, but I’ve learned that it doesn’t make me less of a mom to want or need some help every now and then. I think it’s good to let someone help me. It reminds me that we aren’t on this journey alone, and it’s often really nice for the person doing the helping to realize they’re needed and important, too. It’s a fairly modern idea that we should be able to raise our children on our own without much help, and I’m not so sure it’s good for any of us to have that view. There’s a lot of truth in the old phrase, “It takes a village.”

6.  Have a night away with your spouse sometime during the first year.  Like most new moms, I was so scared to leave my boys over night for the first time. As a new parent, it’s hard to not get a wee bit egocentric and literally think no one else can care for your baby, but that’s rarely the fact of the matter. Someone else may not take care of your baby exactly like you would, but if you have a trusted friend or family member that’s up for it, I cannot recommend enough that you and your spouse have an overnight date. Around 7 1/2 months, my parents kept the boys overnight, while we stayed at a hotel in a nearby town. It was suddenly like we were US again. We laughed and chatted over dinner. We drank  plenty of wine to ease our anxiousness. We talked about the boys, but we also talked about jobs, dreams, future vacation plans, funny stories, and all the things we talked about in a former life before we were parents. We reconnected as people, not just parents, in a way that we really needed at that point. Honestly, just those few hours of having the huge weight of responsibility lifted off our shoulders was incredibly good for our marriage. It reminded us of all the things we love about each other separate from our roles as a mom and dad. I was truly caught off guard by what a gift that night away from the boys was. We were dying to see them the next day, of course, but we were also much more refreshed and at peace.

7.  All the gear, sleep, feeding, etc. recommendations are just that: recommendations.  Figure out which things work for your baby and your family, and don’t look back.   As a new parent, it can be overwhelming to wade through everyone’s contradicting “Must Have” gear recommendations, figure out if you’re going to be a cry-it-out or co-sleeping family or somewhere in between, baby led weaning or purees, nanny or daycare center, etc.  There’s a million options when it comes to parenting, and honestly, there’s rarely a wrong answer.  It’s about what works for your specific baby and your specific family. The same things that work with one baby may not work with the other . . . even if they once were the same egg.  Don’t let others make you feel badly or second guess your decision if it’s working for you.  YOU are the mama/daddy.  YOU get to make the choice for your family, and no one knows your kid as well as you will.

8. There are few things in the world better than baby giggles, slobbery kisses, and sweet little arms reaching around your neck.  Before we had the boys and then in those first few months of their lives, I knew that these little rewards would someday happen and would be wonderful. But nothing anyone can say, truly describes the way a parent feels when something you do gives your baby a fit of the giggles, or when you start getting those first sweetly-disgusting slobbery baby kisses, or when your little boy starts reaching to hug you or gives you a pat-pat-pat as he drifts off to sleep. Seeing that all the love we have for our babies is returned and watching them learn to express their love for you . . .  There are simply no words that this humble writer can capture to explain how your heart can be so full you think it might actually burst, and then a hug, pat, or giggle happens, and your love multiplies so swiftly and vastly that it takes your breath away.

9.  You can function without much sleep for a really. long. time.  I was legit worried about my ability to function on little sleep.  I’m one of those people that needs 8 hours minimum to be a remotely tolerable human being, and even then, you should really let me drink at least one cup of coffee before attempting conversation. Somehow, your body adapts and you really just keep functioning. Now, I’m not saying that you function at the same level you did previously, but you still manage to wake up when the baby cries, turn in work projects, and mostly don’t fall asleep in your dinner plate. Unfortunately, I can vouch that even someone with a deep need for sleep can function without many full nights of rest for at least 9 months. Blissfully, around 9 1/2 months, the boys started consistently sleeping until at least 5:30-ish, which I can live with. If you’re reading this when you have a baby that’s a few weeks old and you’re thinking, “There’s no way I can keep doing this for that long. There’s just no way.” I’ve been there, too. I hope you get some sleep soon, but I assure you that somehow you will be able to survive for a little while longer even though it just doesn’t seem remotely feasible at the moment.

 10.  You can do this and do it well.  Kids are so wonderfully resilient; even the inevitable mistakes we make are rarely something that can’t be overcome.  Have a little faith, love, you’re going to do just fine.

What do you wish you could go back and tell yourself when you were expecting your first little one?