I was so concerned about bonding before Isaiah was born. I had heard everything you have: bonding begins in pregnancy, bonding continues through placing the baby on the new mom’s chest directly after birth (Kangaroo care), and bonding continues through breastfeeding.
We had none of that, and going into it, I knew we wouldn’t. Induced lactation has become one of those things people see and develop strong opinions about. Birth moms aren’t typically in favor of the adoptive mom inducing lactation, and in my instance, I didn’t feel comfortable with it either.
I started to panic that my voice, my touch, and everything about me would be completely foreign to my brand new baby. And it was, but it all turned out fine regardless.
When Isaiah was first born, he was taken immediately to a crib away from his birth mom, at her request. He was tested there with us by his side the whole way. I can say that we both instantly fell in love with him as he stuck his bottom lip out at us, but we were also in shock.
I questioned myself a lot in the hospital. I worried I was doing something wrong by taking him home with us. I worried he wouldn’t ever eat because he wasn’t interested in eating for me, but he would eat tons for his birth mom. I worried about being an instant mom – no physical pain involved.
And now, only three months later, I can tell you that I was wrong about everything. I don’t know that I could be bonded with Isaiah any more. He is my son. I am his mom. I don’t have any biological children, but I can’t imagine ever loving anyone any more than I love him. Not to say that I will love other childen any less, but there isn’t any other way to explain to you that there is no part of my love that is being withheld from him.
He eats formula. He has a different birth mom. He didn’t get skin-to-skin immediately following birth.
But he eats like a little pig for me. He knows my voice, and he is always happy to see me. Without having any words, I know he loves me. I know we’re bonded. I know I don’t have anything to feel guilty about.
So if you feel down because you had to use formula for one reason or another, or if you weren’t able to immediately hold your LO after birth, just relax. Everything is going to be just fine.
The thing a baby truly needs, is love.
blogger / wonderful cherry / 21616 posts
such a sweet post! love!
cherry / 110 posts
Aww… I loved reading this post. Thanks for sharing.
coconut / 8079 posts
i love his big smile! all of my siblings are adopted and i definitely couldn’t love them any more & know my parents feel the same. you are absolutely right. all babies need is love.
GOLD / wonderful coconut / 33402 posts
Love this!
That last picture is so sweet!
grapefruit / 4923 posts
so sweet. and i love seeing pictures of isaiah–keep them coming!
nectarine / 2600 posts
Love it
pineapple / 12053 posts
This made me cry it was so sweet! You’re doing great!
blogger / pineapple / 12381 posts
I do have a bio kid and an adopted kid and I agree with you wholeheartedly! Last night M. was awake from 4:30 to 5:30 am and she and I snuggled and talked and loved on each other. I cherished those moments just the same as if she had been in my own belly those 9 months. She is our daughter through and through!
kiwi / 511 posts
So true all they need is love. I say this as an adoptive Mom, I did not always have my son with me, we brought him home when he was 17 months. He knew both my DH and I as his parents, and that bond is there. There are times now that he is approaching 3 that I wonder, but then I talk to his daycare person and she tells me stories about how he wants his Mommy, and I see it at night too and when we get visitors, even ones he knows. There are days he just will cling to me for a bit until he warms up.
My other son, I gave birth to him and he doesn’t eat much and never latched so he was fed breast milk that I pumped and supplemented with formula. He would turn his head when I got to the daycare and said hi to the staff even though he could not see me.
That bond will grow because of love, regardless of how that child came into your life be it adoption or birth and regardless of how you feed your child, bottle (for formula or pumped breast milk), or direct breast feeding.
pineapple / 12566 posts
This was incredibly moving. Thank you.
pomegranate / 3401 posts
Beautiful!!!
cherry / 116 posts
This is so beautiful… thanks for sharing! Your son is precious!
grapefruit / 4669 posts
Beautiful! And I love that big grin!
honeydew / 7091 posts
This was a wonderful post! I can’t imagine the fear of not knowing how things would turn out – so glad all that worry was for nothing
wonderful pear / 26210 posts
This post breaks my heart, for so many reasons, for all the adoptive parents that worry about not bonding, for all the formula feeding moms that feel guilty for not doing as mother nature intended. I can’t say it enough, breastfeeding is not the only way to bond.
nectarine / 2771 posts
A beautiful post – thank you for sharing!
blogger / pomegranate / 3300 posts
This is beautiful. I had all the same worries. I didn’t get to hold my son until the day after he was born. I cried thinking about him being in the nursery with no one to hold him but our hospital was not as accommodating to adoptive parents. I worried so much about bonding but man I love that little guy. When I look at my four children I don’t see my adopted son and his biological siblings I just see my kids and they look at me and just see their mom!
coffee bean / 49 posts
AMEN!!!!! Where, o where was this post when my little girl was just a couple of weeks old!?? This post is truly beautiful, for adoptive and biological parents alike.
I’m so glad you wrote it, because I as recently came to terms with the fact that absolutely nothing I had hoped/planned for with my daughter’s birth went even remotely as planned, I realized that it doesn’t matter one bit. And if I had written this to myself from 14 months in, my 6-weeks-in self would have written it off as some abstract discussion and not been able to accept it. The more that we post, share, write, and tell our fellow mothers that love is really what matters, the better off we all will be. No one needs to go through months of worry over whether not having their baby on their chest immediately after birth, or cutting the cord before the placenta stops pulsing, or having a c-section instead of a natural and unmedicated birth, or formula feeding has scarred their child for life. No one needs to beat themselves up for things that are in all likelihood completely out of our control.
I want to shake my two-week-, or even two-month-in self and say “stop it! do you love her? are you going to do the best you can at this mommy stuff? is she eating? is she sleeping at all? then stop it. She’s FINE. And you will be too.”
blogger / nectarine / 2010 posts
@eastportbride: I love this response. It reminded me of MORE things that I worried about and have already forgotten. It’s amazing how important things are to us in preparation and then looking back were unnecessary.
guest
I have been reading hellobee since my son was born 3 months ago but this is the first time I’ve felt I had to respond. Thank you so much for this post! Breast feeding didn’t work out for me and one of my biggest fears in those early hormone-crazed days was that my baby wouldn’t know that I was his mom. It scared me so much that I couldn’t even talk about it with anyone. Things of course worked out and I couldn’t be more in love with my baby. I LOVE adoption (one of my sisters is adopted) and have always hoped that it will be in my future. Thank you for sharing your beautiful experiences!
blogger / eggplant / 11551 posts
Love!! Beautiful post. What you said couldn’t be more true.
coffee bean / 32 posts
So beautiful. Thanks for sharing. What a sweet boy.
nectarine / 2936 posts
Such a sweet post. That happy smile says it all.
grapefruit / 4582 posts
**tears** what a beautiful post
persimmon / 1230 posts
Thanks for sharing such a personal post. We have one birth LO and are considering adopting in the future. Your post makes me feel great about adoption (and about your family, too!).
blogger / persimmon / 1398 posts
AWESOME post. You totally ARE his Mama!