We’ve all been taught about the terrible twos and we brace for them before they arrive, but in my experience it is the three year old you should really fear!  I read an article that talks about the “Tantrum Threes” that rang so true to me.  My nearly 3 year old can have a cogent conversation with a 6 year old about the pros and cons of different attractions on the Big Island of Hawaii and how an airplane generates the lift to make it fly, yet a little thing like a cookie can send her into an hour and a half screaming festival that cannot be quelled.  It is as if she has the intellect of an older child but the emotional capacity of, well, a kid her age… and that leads to frequent mind-blowing frustration.

With a two year old, I found I could manage the temper tantrums.  Distraction works well.  Ignoring appropriately can quiet even the most frustrated two year old at times. Behavior charts worked really well for us in the past.  Harvey Karp’s “Happiest Toddler on the Block” techniques work too.  But right now if I tried the Fast Food Rule or Toddlerese, my daughter would literally laugh at me and say, “Stop talking like a baby, mama!” (This has actually happened).  So what can a frustrated mama and a belligerent nearly three year old do?

One afternoon, we experienced a particularly bad tantrum.  Little Jacks had a choice between a chocolate covered almond treat or a cookie.  She chose the chocolate covered almond, but when she was done she decided that she also wanted the cookie.  This was not a negotiable point, since she had already made her choice. The result was the tantrum to end all tantrums. We tried reasoning with her, time out, ignoring, soothing, distracting, the peace corner, classical music and any other mechanism we could think of.  Nothing worked and everything we tried seemed to enrage her more.  Total time was nearly an hour and a half.  Parents and child were both completely undone at the end of it.

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I knew our daughter had the intellectual capacity to figure this stuff out when she was calm, but it was just too late at the time she erupted.  She was completely consumed by the emotions that had taken over.  That evening when she was very calm and quiet, I tried to engage her in conversation about the episode.  It was clear that she felt embarrassed about what had happened, and as a result she wouldn’t engage in discussion.  I decided that I would have to make it more abstract.

Now, you may remember that we’ve been telling LJ the stories about  Ellie the Elephant that my dad told me when I was little.  By now, Ellie is beloved in our house and a nightly ritual.  It seemed only a minor mental leap to use Ellie to help us with the tantrum.  I told LJ a story about how Ellie had a tantrum once and how she stomped so hard that she broke the floor, and shouted so loud that she scared all the other animals, and cried so much that she created a lake.  LJ thought this was mighty silly behavior from a 3 year old elephant.  At the end of the scenario, I asked, “What should Ellie have done?”  At first, LJ’s solutions were pretty rudimentary.  She suggested that Ellie should just grab the item she wanted or push her mama away.  But after some coaching, LJ started coming up with some better solutions.  She thought that it might be a good idea for Ellie to express her anger in words and to look toward a parent for comfort.  She also suggested that if Ellie could show good calming that maybe she might get what she wanted (or wait for another time to get what she wanted).  That night, LJ fell asleep thinking of all the good coping skills Ellie could use.

I had no idea if this would have any impact going forward, but true to her 3 year old form, Little Miss had a big tantrum the very next day.  This time, I asked “What would Ellie do?”  She took a deep breath and a pause, and though it didn’t totally break the tantrum, it did significantly calm her.  That night, we took the same approach as the night before with lots of stories, questions and answers about feelings and what Ellie would do.  We did this every evening after a tantrum occurred, with lots of time spent in problem solving and emotion management.

After a few nights, I found that just asking about what Ellie would do could completely stop a tantrum.  LJ would go from screaming to enthusiastically problem solving how she could handle the situation better and how Ellie and her mama would handle it.  It’s been a couple of weeks and I’ve noticed a lot more “feelings check-ins” before a tantrum erupts.  Things like, “Mama, I’m getting really frustrated because Jack Jack is bugging me.” Or, “I’m sad and angry because I want more yogurt!!!”

As with any approach we’ve tried for tantrums, there is a risk that the technique only works for a little while.  Little Jacks has been very resourceful at finding work-arounds for our tantrum management in the past.  So far, though, it seems like the Ellie stories have had staying power.  Maybe it’s because they actually address the underlying emotional triggers for tantrums and coaches the child to manage emotions in a more appropriate way.  Whatever the reason, Ellie has been such a gift for us through the terrible tantrum threes!  Let me know if you try something similar and it works for you!

I love the strong sense of self and the strong opinions, but they can make tantrums challenging!

Toddler Tantrums part 9 of 12

1. How to prevent tantrums: A guide to the 5 triggers and 2 stressors that cause tantrums by Mr. Bee
2. The Power of Timeouts by Mr. Bee
3. The Case Against Timeouts by Mr. Bee
4. Three Ways to say "no" to your kids by Mr. Bee
5. From Devil to Angel: "Tina's No" by mrs. wagon
6. What Shamu Taught Me About Happy Toddlers by Mr. Bee
7. The Best Parenting Book I've Ever Read by Mr. Bee
8. Cracking the code on toddler tantrums by Mrs. Jacks
9. What would Ellie do? Managing tantrums. by Mrs. Jacks
10. The Trenches of Toddler-Dom by Mrs. High Heels
11. The Nurtured Heart Approach: Disciplining for Greatness by Mrs. Twine
12. Diagnosing Tantrums and Behavioral Problems for 3-4 Year Olds by Mrs. Bee