Hellobee

If we decided to adopt, I would do the same. Why highlight that he’s adopted just for the sake of “benefiting others” when it doesn’t help him feel like he belongs to your family. I strongly believe that your family’s needs should have priority over others. This is why I totally disagree with your friend’s reasoning. I also don’t think it’s wrong for being vague when ppl question age spacing. It’s not a matter that should be open for casual discussion amongst passing strangers. I would think it’s strange for anyone to suggest otherwise. He’s your son. Plain and simple

I agree with you. I think if people specifically asked for some reason, or you wanted to share, that’s totally fine – but for the sake of general conversation, he is definitely your son.

this may sound OT, but I think of it like a child with special needs – the parent would not usually introduce them as, “my autistic son John.” It is their son John, who is also autistic. If someone asked it could be explained, but doesn’t have to be in his introduction. I hope that makes sense and doesn’t sound insulting – my younger sister was adopted into our family at age 4, so I’ve been there!

We’ve talked about this- my parents NEVER said they were adoptive parents or that I was their adopted daughter. And they never brought it up to people- really I was the one who did that I think that is my preferred way of doing it. Every time I see a friend post about their adopted son it stings my heart a bit. If someone asks, you can tell them if you want. Otherwise who freaking cares!!!

I think Sorry Charlie sums it up pretty well – he’s your son, who also is adopted. Not your son, who is also xyz. I don’t go around saying, this is my son, who I birthed after x number of hours. He’s my son and if we start chatting and the conversation goes that way, I’ll tell you about my labor. But not at the grocery store. And probably not to a stranger. And definitely not on social media, except HelloBee of course.

I find it touching that his birth mother requested that you just call him your son.

I agree with others– he’s your son, who became your son by adoption. So the first piece of information is that he’s your son, and adoption is a secondary piece of information. I think dropping “adoptive” is totally appropriate, and what both you and his birth mom would want!

By the way, I thought you’d get a kick out of this. When I read the part about Maury, I read Mr. Polish as ‘polish’ as in from Poland. I thought, huh that’s weird that I read it as “Poh-lish”… until I realized that it was immediately preceded by Maury. Maury Povich. Maury Povich Mr. Polish… that’s why I read it as Poh-lish. Haha.

@sorrycharlie: so weird that as I was reading this post that I was thinking the exact same thing. It makes me cringe when I hear/read things like ‘Down Syndrome baby’ or ‘autistic child.’ It’s really only semantics but the child is being labeled as something that only plays a small part in who they are.

Mrs. Polish, if I were in your position I wouldn’t offer up the information unless people inquired; and in that case, I would be honest in my response. You are Isaiah’s mom and he is your son and that’s all people really need to know.

In my opinion, he is your son and that is all you “need” to share. I think if you are in a situation where you “want” to share your story of adopting him, then that is okay as well.

In terms of my sharing details about my little one, it’s all about finding a place of comfort and balance. Easier said then done but I’m working on it!

I just want to say your post is beautiful!

@Sorrycharlie: @KJFROMNJ: @Mrs. Stroller: @Mrs. Wagon: @Sammyfab: I agree with you all. Thanks for backing me up. I want to tell that friend all kinds of other things that I forgot when we were talking about it. Like when you think of a really good comeback thirty minutes later. Sheesh. Oh well. I’ll be prepared if it happens again.

@Crumbs: Doesn’t it seem like strangers think they’re entitled to know everything?!

@Mrs. Tea: I think this is kind of like your point about the woman at the grocery store. My friend has 10 or so kids and I don’t think she understands our standpoint. She is looking at it from her own, which is much different than mine. (I loved that post BTW)

@winniebee: Thank you!

I saw the title of your post this morning and I was waiting to come home and read it. I wanted to say first that your sentiments are beautiful.

I got a lot of questions from random strangers because I had an 8 month old baby and new born twins. So I got a lot of quirky looks. Sometimes I explained and other times I left people to come to their own conclusions. I’m sure because you have a child of a different race people will ask you (and sometimes rudely) about his parentage. It is your choice how to respond. I think sometimes it depended on my mood and how the nosy stranger asked but sometimes I would offer up some information and sometimes I would tell them it was a rude question.

When I look at my four kids I don’t see my adopted son and his biological brothers and sister. They are my kids and I am their mom. It doesn’t matter how they came into my life, what matters is our roles of mother and child.

Just wait until the first time he calls you mama, you will know then there is no need to use the word adoptive!

We don’t feel the need to share with every random on the street, but we do feel that it’s very important to M. that we honor our special and different relationship by acknowledging the adoptive aspect when and where appropriate. We aren’t her bio parents and we don’t want to pretend otherwise with her or with people close to us. I’m still one of her moms, but I’m not the only one!

@Mrs. Jacks: I love this about your family.

I think it’s hard to strike the right balance of allowing your child to celebrate their past and yet still acknowledge their present. It’s so interesting to hear how all of you mommas have navigated this situation!

i was just going to say, that, @Honeybee: ! finding the balance is tricky…i want lil’ CB to be proud of (or at least unashamed of) his story and he talks about it freely with strangers…he proudly tells people “I was born in my Korea.” but of course, he doesn’t fully understand all of the layers quite yet. i am happy to talk about our family’s adoption story with anyone who is genuinely interested, but at the same time, don’t feel the need to parade it around. what’s tricky for us is that we don’t look like a international adoption family, so sometimes, if we meet another family that has adopted internationally, we do put it out there as a way of connecting.

alllll that to say, i don’t know if i’ll ever figure out this balance! i’m just going to follow lil’ CB’s lead on it as he gets older…

My husband was adopted at a young age by a white family. He’s obviously asian with a non asian last name and when people ask him about it he simple tells them “my father is of Irish/English decent.”
HAHA most people stop asking questions after that.

I was adopted at birth 40 years ago, I always knew that I was adopted and we as a family always had an open dialogue about it, but never did my parents introduce me as their adopted child. I was always their daughter. I always knew that being adopted was something special, even magical, at least that is how my parents made it seem, I also always knew in my heart that they were always ment to be my parents, and I chose them before I was born. About 7 years ago, I found my birth mother, mostly out of curiosity than anything else, she is a lovely woman, But on meeting her I knew in that moment that I had chosen my parent to raise me and help me become the person I am to day. they nurtured an aspect of my soul that My birth mother would have not been able to nurture.
Bless you and your little family, know that he has chosen you for everything you will give to him and help him to become. He is and always will be YOUR son, I have always said it takes a very special person to love and raise another woman’s child, you truly are an angel. xxx

I’m SUPER late to this, but this post really made me think (And check all my Social Media bios)! I’m a Mama, and S is my son… and that’s that. I do occasionally refer to myself as an “adoptive mama” if it’s appropriate… but it’s not my self-introduction. (I recently used “adoptive mama” at a panel discussion on diversity in schools for example…) Both my son and I are very open about the fact that he is adopted when asked by strangers, although we also know how to tell them to shut it. (And I bet you will get there too.) I still have to find my way sometimes, but all the important people in our world know that he’s my son, who just happens to have come into our lives via adoption.