I’ve had lots of questions about the type of adoption we entered into with Isaiah. We entered into this as a completely closed adoption.

When we first met our birth mom, she didn’t want any contact. She didn’t want to see Isaiah in the hospital, and she didn’t want any contact with us. But I started going to her doctor’s visits with her, and we talked regularly. Neither of us expected it, but we formed a bond. I don’t know for certain, but I think it is safe to say that I’m one of the more consistent and most dependable relationships she has had in her life.

A few months in, she told me she would like to have pictures sent to her from time to time. I told her I didn’t have a problem with that, and I don’t.

A week before Isaiah was born, she told me she wanted to be able to send him gifts at Christmas and birthdays. We agreed that she could do this if she went through a third party, but that she wouldn’t contact us directly. We decided who the third party was, and everything was set.

Right before we left the hospital, our birth mom and birth father came into the room to say goodbye to Isaiah. Our birth father has not been part of the adoption at all. We met him late last year to see if he would feel comfortable allowing us to adopt his child. He and our birth mom are not and were not married during her pregnancy, so his parental rights were terminated last year. The last I had heard, he didn’t want to see Isaiah so we were surprised when he walked into our room to say goodbye. He hugged Mr. Polish and asked him to send pictures from time to time. He held Isaiah and told us that we looked like his family, and then told us that he was happy for us.

Our birth mom had a tearful goodbye, and to add to it, she didn’t only say goodbye to Isaiah, she was also saying goodbye to me. I’m not putting myself higher than I belong, but as a consistent part of her life, she was losing that too. As much as I was able, I tried to take care of her, and be a good support to her. I didn’t expect to feel sadness toward someone who also caused me such pain in the weeks leading up to Isaiah’s birth.

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Just after Isaiah’s birth family said goodbye

I know that open adoptions are what is said to be best, but it isn’t something we’re entirely comfortable with. We didn’t put any limitations on the adoption that our birth mom didn’t agree with.

I’ve read about open adoptions on Hellobee and other community websites, and I don’t know how those families manage. Perhaps the distance they are from the original adoption date helps to calm the anxiousness, but the way I feel right now, I couldn’t do it. Emotions are still too high.

The Saturday after we left the hospital, the person we chose to use as a third party ran into our birth mom and she asked if she had heard from us. The third party told her that she hadn’t, and I felt like that was unfair.

Later that day our birth mom texted me, and even though we agreed not to directly contact, I felt like it was a good thing. She wanted to see if everything came back well on Isaiah’s newborn screen. I told her that he was as healthy as could be, and that I hoped she was doing well. She never texted back, so I can see that she is honoring her word.

There was no way I could not respond to her question about Isaiah’s well-being. I’ve felt intensively sensitive and compassionate toward her since we left the hospital, because when I try to think of how she might be feeling right now, it breaks my heart. I feel physically ill if I cannot see Isaiah, and thinking about what she’s going through absolutely hurts.

I don’t anticipate that our birth mom will contact us to meet any time soon. However, she has a ten year old son who was very upset about the adoption. I do anticipate that in the future he will contact us. Isaiah has other siblings who I also think will want to meet him. When that day comes we will handle it, but right now I don’t see it being a problem.

If you have, or know someone who has an open adoption, how does it work?

Open Adoptions part 3 of 5

1. The history of open adoption in the US by Mrs. Train
2. Openness in adoption: striking the right balance by Mrs. Jacks
3. Open vs. Closed Adoption by Mrs. Polish
4. The Gift of Open Adoption: Part 1 by Mrs. Pinata
5. The Gift of Open Adoption: Part Two by Mrs. Pinata