One of our Hellobees (Daniellemybelle) asked me to talk about bonding with your adopted baby. It’s a great topic, and one which I held off on tackling because I felt like it was still an ongoing experience when the question was asked. We’ve had a baby biologically and through adoption, so I have deepened my perspective on bonding.
Prior to having Little Jacks, I always anticipated that I would be one of those moms who does not bond immediately. (I think of the first moments between Miranda and Brady on SATC). I know there is this mythology that bonding with a baby happens magically and instantaneously the moment you gaze at your child. I also know that I’m someone who tends to intellectualize and takes time to process big emotional events. So I prepared myself for a possible delay in the bonding process. Instead, I was surprised that I was a rapid bonder with LJ. I took one look and I was beyond smitten. I had never known love like that before!
Things that helped facilitate the bonding process with LJ included:
1) A huge rush of hormones at the time of delivery that are evolutionarily adaptive for bonding.
2) Skin to skin just moments after birth. LJ was delivered and immediately placed on my chest. That skin to skin contact allows for immediate synchronization between mother and infant that stabilizes the physiology of both parties.
3) Breast-feeding. It is well documented that breast-feeding promotes mother infant bonding. Physiologically, a mother’s body releases prolactin and oxytocin, which relax the mother and allow milk let-down. These hormones also promote motherly feelings and help you fine tune your reading of the baby’s cues.
I really worried that we wouldn’t be able to do all of these things with Jack Jack, and that would make it harder to bond in the short and long-term. However, there were a number of other bonding techniques that I knew I would try to employ including:
4) Baby-wearing. It’s a great way to be deeply in-tune with your baby’s cues, habits and emotions, so I knew we’d be doing this a lot!
5) Using quiet alert time as a time to play with, sing to and read to the baby. All ways that I hoped to reassure Jack Jack that she was an integral and important part of our family.
6) Skin to skin for non-breastfeeding mothers.
Still, I didn’t know if those things would be enough to provide a similar bonding experience to last time and I was pretty nervous to see how things would go.
As it stood though, there was so much emotion and anxiety around the birth of Jack Jack, that the first moment I saw her was still a huge adrenaline rush. Especially when I was looking at her and saw that she was really a girl! The happy hormone flow definitely gave me a leg up on bonding with Jack Jack. In the moment, I felt like my bonding was very similar to that of LJ. When we were discharged home from the hospital, though, it was kind of like having a niece or a nephew over for a visit. (Some liken the feeling to babysitting, though it wasn’t exactly that for me.) It turns out that I had gotten to know LJ while she was a fetus in my belly… but I didn’t have that same benefit with Jack Jack, so it took some time to understand what Jack Jack’s cues meant and to anticipate her needs. I felt a little panicky that this was even an issue for me! I didn’t know whether it was an issue of having a non-biologically related baby, issues of stress from the adoption process, lack of hormonal help with bonding, or a difference that would have happened even if Jack Jack was my bio baby.
I also wonder if going back to work so soon contributed to the time it took to really feel like I knew Jack Jack inside and out. I tried techniques like skin to skin and monopolizing any quiet alert time that was available to me. Now I know her moods with just a glance. I wake up just before she wakes up in the middle of the night. I know the subtleties of each type of cry and what each means. I know all the things that can reliably make her grin and giggle and what things can make her cry. It’s taken about a month, lots of babywearing, skin to skin and shared quiet alert time to get there. But we’re finally there. (Whew!)
I know there is a spectrum of experience of bonding, whether it is with a child you gave birth to or one that you’ve adopted. I think the key is to not panic if things don’t go the way you expected and to give things time, while using the tips I’ve mentioned (and any others you may have come up with). If you’ve done everything you can and given it sufficient time, I’d recommend mentioning it to either your or the baby’s doctor, because it may be a sign that you are suffering from baby blues or some other treatable bonding issue (C-section, rehospitalization, inability to breastfeed despite the desire, or NICU stay). There should be absolutely NO shame in not experiencing the immediate lightning bolt that we’ve come to expect with bonding. In fact, it’s unfortunate that somehow instant bonding is an expectation. Pediatricians sometimes forget to ask about your bonding experience, so please don’t hesitate to bring it up.
What was your bonding experience with your little one?
bananas / 9118 posts
Amazing to hear the differences and some similarities in the two experiences! After reading Jack Jack’s birth story, it did sound like you fell in love with her right away.
It is interesting that you mentioned NICU stay as a treatable bonding issue- because that is when bonding actually kicked in for me.
I didn’t have that instant bond with my son, we were actually talking about this at dinner the other night. The doctor put him on my chest for skin to skin, and it was amazing, but for the first day I wasn’t completely sure what to do with him. My husband said he was a little worried about it because I was kind of dazed for the first day and not acting super “motherly.”
He said he noticed it click in when Cam had to go into the NICU for a couple days to be under the bili lights. I suddenly didn’t want to leave my baby. I got up every 3 hours, made my way across the hospital to breastfeed then supplement with formula. I missed 2 feedings over almost 3 days: one to get one last dinner of just the two of us before he came home the next day, and the other when the NICU nurse let me sleep when she brought him to the nesting room for a feeding while we were waiting for bloodwork results the day of his discharge. I was exhausted by that point.
guest
I have been blessed with both an adoptive son and three biological children. My oldest was adopted so I had nothing to compare it to. We were able to be at the hospital when he was born but didn’t have a lot of time with him. Each day we visited hoping that she would sign the papers at her discharge. So although there was emotion for this boy they were a bit guarded. I felt like I wasn’t allowed to love him yet.
When we brought him home true bonding started to kick in and I allowed myself to truly get to know, and love my son. It was in his feelings that I think I really bonded with him. Unfortunately we were notified 3 days later that the birth father showed up and wanted to contest the adoption. One year later but dozens of court dates and horrible emotions we finalized our adoption. But looking back now I can say exactly when I became his mom. When we were leaving the hospital and I secured him in his car seat I looked down and knew I would always love and protect him
With my biogical children it started before they were born. I found out I was two months pregnant with twins when my son was two months old. At first I freaked out. I cried a lot trying to figure out what I was going to do with three babies under a year. At 12 weeks everything changed. I was told they shared a placenta and were developing twin to twin transfer. There was only a 60 percent chance by baby b would survive. My attitude changed then. Instead of being overwhelmed by the thought of having three I was determined to do the best that I could for my three babies. As soon as they were born I was so excited to see the little guys that I forgot how much work it was going to be and could only think about how perfect they were. My daughter was the same. I think I bonded most when I found out she was a girl and when she was born it just added to the love I already had.
Long answer sorry.
blogger / pineapple / 12381 posts
It’s so great to hear your experiences! I was (and always am) looking for a robust dialog. Bonding can happen in so many different ways. With LJ we also had an inutero health scare that intensified the bond. On the other hand, we really were a bit guarded at first just in case JJ didn’t come home with us
clementine / 889 posts
For me, it was instantaneous. I didn’t feel like I “knew” DS before he was born, and after he was here it took me a long time to know his cues. But the love and bond was immediate.
What I didn’t expect was the fierce protectiveness. I didn’t like anyone else holding him, except DH. And I HATED when he was taken from me, rather than me deciding to pass him to someone. DH once told me to hand DS to his mother and I about killed him. It had to be my decision to pass him to someone else, or I felt so angry and like a part of me had been ripped out. It was really surprising to feel this way, but then I met a mom who didn’t let anyone, even her husband hold their child for 9 months. She said she carried him for 9 months, so she got 9 months of being his only caregiver after his birth. After that, I felt much more normal. And I did get used to passing DS around to our immediate family members, even though I never really liked to have him out of my arms for those first few months.
cantaloupe / 6669 posts
Thank you for blogging about this – it was me that requested it!
I don’t have any personal experience to share but this was such an interesting, informative and heartwarming blog post to read, and one I have definitely bookmarked for the future. Thank you again!
honeydew / 7968 posts
The first 3 hours after giving birth I didnteventhink about the babies. I felt like I should ask about them once I got to my room. But after awhile, although it felt surreal, it started to hit me that I had my kids. Now, they really feel like they’re mine.
pomelo / 5178 posts
I was one of those people who immediately felt bonded to my babies. Mrs. Jacks, I remember you once said that finding out Little Jack’s sex helped you feel bonded to her during pregnancy; I think finding out my kids’ sex at birth made me feel that bond right away after they were born. With DD, the moment the doctor announced she was a girl, I looked at my husband and said, “We have a daughter,” and we both just burst into tears.
It was that moment that kept me going through another difficult pregnancy with DS. DH actually got to announce DS’ sex, and it was just as amazing and overwhelming the second time around!
I also differentiate between biological and rational love, though. Biologically, I was bonded to my babies from the very first moment of their births, but it wasn’t until much later that I bonded with my babies on an intellectual/rational level. With DD, I bonded with her at around 6 months, when she started showing her personality and I really got to know her as an individual little person. I imagine somethoing similar will happen with DS, when he gets around that age.
pomelo / 5866 posts
I have sad feelings about how I intially lacked in bonding skills. I didn’t pick LO up from my chest right after I delivered (scared). I barely held her in the hospital (sore/tired) when she cried unless a nurse shoved her in my arms to breastfeed which she wasn’t thrilled about. I would talk as if she wasn’t there and I only remembered to say I love you, nearly a week later, though I felt it instantly. I didn’t have any post-partum depression. I blame it on being clueless and never being around baby, for me. In fact I was euphoric that she was here, healthy and thriving. I just didn’t know how to connect in a loving, relaxing, calming, sensitive way. But I was definitely bonded after week 1 when I was more rested. Protective, nurturing, sensitive, all that. A pivotal moment in bonding came in the hospital when a nurse laid my baby on her side with me on my side snuggling into each other. She wasn’t crying and we were just laying, resting together.
blogger / pineapple / 12381 posts
@808love: Thank you so much for sharing your story! There are all sorts of ways that the bonding experience takes root and no one way is more right than any other… Please don’t feel sad about your experience. Think of all that you’ve learned about babies and your emotions and tapping into that feeling!
@Honeybee: The personality really does help with deepening that connection, doesn’t it
pear / 1837 posts
Honestly, I don’t really feel like I felt bonded to LO till he was a good 3 months old.
And it’s not like there’s a standard working definition of “bonded”, so who knows how mine will compare to others, but I really feel like those first few weeks and even months for me were really just a matter of “let’s get through [X].”
“Let’s just get through this feeding.” “This diaper change.” “This 90 minute round of sleep.”
LO wasn’t colicky or anything, but neither he nor I were good sleepers, and I think I was honestly just too exhausted to get excited about being a mom. I’m an introvert- you wouldn’t necessarily know it, since I’m pretty social, but I NEED my alone time to recharge and feel like a person and be able to get excited about things… and I just really never got that for the first couple months. I don’t regret breastfeeding exclusively, and LO got a bottle a day (sometimes two) from his first week of life… but choosing to breastfeed does mean that you are essentially always on call, and that really wore on me.
LO getting older and more interactive made all the difference. The child that I originally regarded as this kind of parasitic potted plant that I carted around and periodically attached to a boob was turning into a little mini-person, and one who really liked me! Getting that feedback from him really started a positive loop for us- the more he seemed to LIKE snuggling and interacting, the more I wanted to do it. It’s not that I didn’t like LO when he was little, but I didn’t really get into hugging and snuggling him, and I don’t think I said “I love you” till he was a good six months old (not that I didn’t love him, but I kind of figured he didn’t understand words, so why bother? Now he’s a year old and I say it all the time even though he still probably has no idea what it means… I just can’t help myself!)
Like I said, LO is now a year old, and I don’t think anyone who meets us would think we were late bonders. I LOVE spending time with him- I love seeing him figure stuff out, I love making him laugh, I love snuggling, I love the way he can walk just fine on his own but likes to hold on to my finger just for kicks. I think that- as with SO MANY aspects of life with a newborn- not experiencing insta-bonding can seem like a huge deal at the time, but doesn’t actually necessarily have any kind of lasting impact on your child or your relationship with them.