Hellobee

Part I
Part II

After some quiet time with the baby, our caseworker came in to check on us.  She gently mentioned that some family members were having a really hard time with the thought of adoptive placement.

I’ve mentioned before that a birth parent has to decide to place their child twice– once when they make an adoption plan, and then again after the baby is born.  Because S was plugged in to a great agency and had counseling all through her pregnancy, she was prepared for making this difficult decision twice. Other family members who become involved later on don’t have the benefit of agency services.  Frequently, family can feel like they might somehow change the course of events, often without a concrete plan.  This can be really difficult on a birthmom, because she begins to be pulled in different directions.  One person’s drama can be contagious to others involved.  Without being too explicit to protect our birth family, a version of this was occurring for us.

In our situation, our caseworker thought that it might be helpful if we spend some time with a couple of family members (if they would be amenable to spending time together) so that we could get to know each other better.  The thought was that getting to know us might alleviate some fear of the unknown and help cool some hot emotions.

We had a wonderful visit with one family member, and after the visit I began to have visions of future birthday parties with all the extended family there.  I reassured myself that this was all going to work out ok.  We then went to talk with other family members.  In the course of these conversations, we heard at least one comment that I interpreted as concerning for our placement, and felt some strong emotional energy that was confusing to say the least.

It was getting later in the afternoon, so I checked in with S to see how she was doing.  She really hadn’t felt well all day, so we were trying to give her some time and space.  When I finally saw her and asked how she was doing, she said that all the pressure was really stressing her out.  I didn’t want to be part of what was stressing her out, so we agreed that we would meet the next day when she was feeling better.  I left feeling anxious myself.  I had no idea how to interpret what I was hearing or feeling, and whether it was significant or not.  I was helpless.

I went back to our room where we scheduled our paperwork signing in the morning, and I said goodbye to Mr. Jacks for the night.  It was an incredibly lonely night.  Here I was with this baby who I was falling in love with, not sure if I should even indulge in that emotion, and I was by myself without support.  In my darkest moments I was just positive that we’d be leaving the hospital the next day with empty arms and empty hearts.  I didn’t sleep at all, and it wasn’t because the baby was waking me up!

When Mr. Jacks came back in the morning, I was relieved in a way that I’d never been before.  We left the baby in the nursery for a little while and ran to do some errands that needed to take place before signing of paperwork.  I was pretty strung out by this point and my emotion monitor was all out of whack.  We raced back to the hospital in time for paperwork signing, only to find out that the signing had been delayed.  Our caseworker was very matter-of-fact about it and reassured us that everything was ok.  I was sure she was just trying to protect us.  I was like, “Well, this is it.  My worst fear is realized.  We knew this could happen.”  I was incredibly calm about it.  This was a known risk, after all.

An hour later our caseworker came in and said, “You ready to sign papers?!”

“Really?”

“Yup. S was so strong in the face of everything. She never wavered.”

Well, the rest was a blur after that.  All I could think was that this was really happening!  This precious, beautiful little girl would be coming home with us!

Let me just say, when they talk about paperwork, they aren’t kidding.  It’s a huge binder of papers that we signed in duplicate.  I did read through every word and felt like everything was in order… but I definitely wished I had gotten more sleep that night to really process it all.  It was all very anti-climactic.  After our last signatures were signed, Maisie was our child (though she’ll always be S’s and L’s child too!).  I was giddy and thanked our caseworker profusely for being so amazing with us.  She was so calm throughout it all, yet also always forthright with us.

We spent time that afternoon with S and L and their families.  We brought gifts for them, and little did we know, they brought gifts for Maisie.  It was a wonderful time for us, but we were very aware of the sadness and loss in the moment as well.  We were so lucky to have met and spent time with all of S and L’s family members including siblings, grandparents (minus one) and even an aunt.  We were joking around, telling stories, and generally getting to know each other better.  We were thrilled that this child was brought into this world surrounded by the love and support of a deeply caring circle of people… all family, all with different opinions, gifts, stories and ways of nurturing… all wanting the best for this wonderful little girl!

We were the last to leave the hospital the next day.  S and her family left about an hour before we did, and as we left we heard echoes of family from the day before, and hope for a future with a wonderful extended family who we hope will always be involved in the life of the Amazing Maisie Mae!

Bleary eyed but thrilled after paperwork was signed!