“What do you want: a boy or a girl?”
There is a certain answer to this question that the universe expects of moms-to-be, and it goes like this: “Oh, I don’t care, as long as the baby is healthy.”
The thing is, though, I did care. I cared a lot. I wanted a girl.
For some reason, before I got pregnant and right on up until that momentous 20-week ultrasound, I always pictured myself as the mother of a little girl. Not because I wanted to dress my baby in frilly pink clothes and ply her with Barbies and princess toys – far from it. But I’m extremely close to my own mom, and always pictured forming that same bond with my daughter.
When our ultrasound tech zoomed in on the baby’s “parts” and proclaimed that We! Were! Having! A! Boy! I managed something between a cough and a laugh, gripped my husband’s hand until we were safely in our car, and promptly dissolved into tears. He tried consoling me, but quickly grew frustrated – there was nothing he could have said that would have made it better.
Once I had a chance to do a little soul-searching, I realized a couple of things: First, it wasn’t that I didn’t want a boy. Rather, I was mourning the loss of a certain dream – a certain vision of motherhood – that I had constructed over nearly 30 years. Suddenly, I had about four months to replace it with a new one.
Second, I felt guilty – I hated that I had reacted this way. I should have put on my big-girl panties and plastered on a smile. What business did I have freaking out when so many women would drag themselves over broken glass to sustain a healthy pregnancy, boy or girl? I was a horrible person.
After about a week, I started to tentatively embrace the idea of a having a boy. When I looked at my husband’s baby pictures, at his adorable smiling face, something shifted, and I felt a little less afraid. The word “boy” seemed a little less abstract. Still, part of me felt a little like I’d planned a trip to Paris but someone had flown me to Rome instead.
Of course, as soon as I cradled our son for the first time, I knew this wasn’t just any boy – he was my boy. Our boy. And now, when I smother his chubby little face in kisses and watch his eyes crinkle with glee, I wonder what my problem was. If I’d known it was him – him! – that I was getting, I wouldn’t have wasted a single tear mourning my phantom girl. And I suspect the same is true for most women who start out with a preference.
Before our babies are here, all we have to go on (if we choose to find out) is boy or girl. Well-meaning family and friends start to overwhelm us with pink or blue clothes, with bows and flowers or footballs and dump trucks. It’s easy to lose sight of the fact that there will be a little person with quirks and personality beyond those rigid gender boxes.
Some may still think that I was selfish for caring one way or the other, and those people are entitled to their opinion. But I wanted to put this out there for all the women who have a preference and feel like they shouldn’t. Mothers are expected to be superhuman in so many ways, but this shouldn’t be one of them.
It’s OK to want what you want – boy or girl – and it’s definitely OK if you need some time to cry a little bit and get your bearings if you get a surprise. You wanted to see the Eiffel Tower, but ended up at the Colosseum. And you know what? It’s pretty awesome, too – you’ll see.
One perk of having a son? Seeing how happy it makes Papa Yo-yo to buy him "Star Wars" stuff.
Hellobee Series: Mrs. Yoyo part 4 of 16
1. Taming PCOS by Mrs. Yoyo2. Birth Story: Part 1 by Mrs. Yoyo
3. Breastfeeding: Rocky Beginnings, Part 1 by Mrs. Yoyo
4. Getting Over the Little-Boy Blues by Mrs. Yoyo
5. (Still) Swaddling by Mrs. Yoyo
6. On the Road with Baby in Tow by Mrs. Yoyo
7. He's not adopted by Mrs. Yoyo
8. Feminism, motherhood, and Facebook by Mrs. Yoyo
9. Baby Growth: It’s Not a Contest by Mrs. Yoyo
10. Review: Baby Connect for iPhone by Mrs. Yoyo
11. Resentment by Mrs. Yoyo
12. Confessions of a non-worry wart by Mrs. Yoyo
13. The Reluctant SAHM by Mrs. Yoyo
14. Digital Inadequacy by Mrs. Yoyo
15. The Most Dangerous Phrase in Motherhood by Mrs. Yoyo
16. Baby gear: Save or splurge? by Mrs. Yoyo
hostess / wonderful persimmon / 25556 posts
I’m glad you wrote about this. I will have the same feelings if I find out I’m having a boy. I, like you, have always wanted a girl and since we’re only having one….I won’t get my chance if we have a boy!
pomegranate / 3045 posts
Thank you for this post. We’re not trying currently, but I do want a girl, and I know that I will be a bit disappointed at first if we’re having a boy! Good to know that I’m not alone. However, you are absolutely right in that of course you will get over that disappointment!!
Also, baby Y is one of the cutest babies I have ever seen. Just saying.
pomegranate / 3053 posts
Two separate fortune tellers told my mom and my husband in totally different years and before I met my husband (I think!) that we were going to have one boy and one girl. I would love to have a girl b/c, you’re right, girls are closer to their moms and I would love to have that close relationship forever. So when the ultrasound technician asked me if I gave away my son’s clothes (who is now 2.5 y.o.) I knew it was a boy. Then when she finally said it was a boy and showed me his boy parts I broke down. I wanted a girl. But weeks passed and after thinking about having two boys and how much fun it would be for them to be able to play together and how close (hopefully!) they would be growing up I liked the idea of having a boy. It also saves me a lot of time in looking for girl stuff b/c we know how much girl stuff there are out there. It can get overwhelming! I would probably dress her in pretty simple stuff anyway b/c I have a simple style. And I also never really bought anything gender neutral and most of my son’s toys are boy toys anyway. Plus, he’s got a ton of really nice clothes that he only wore a few times b/c has too much clothes. It now works out perfect. And, yeah, my husband loves to be able to get him Superman or Batman stuff just like your husband with Star Wars stuff.
GOLD / pomelo / 5167 posts
Oh I so know what you mean, but I don’t know if you want more children but maybe next time around?!
I’m pregnant with bebe2 and honestly, I HOPE SO MUCH that I have a girl. I love having a boy (to my surprise) but I would be devastated if I had another boy because we are stopping at 2.
The first time around I didn’t cry because I knew we had “another shot at it” so fingers crossed, and if you want more, I wish you a girl or 2!
cherry / 135 posts
Thank you for this post!! You were able to sum up exactly how I felt when finding out that I was having a boy. Your statement “mourning the loss of a certain dream” really hit home for me. I so desperately wanted a girl to have the relationship with her that I have with my mom. Over the past months I’ve overcome my initial sadness and now can’t wait to meet my baby boy. I’m so grateful that you wrote this post as I believe that it will be a comfort to so many women.
grapefruit / 4817 posts
This will be our first, and from the day I peed on the stick, I was convinced it was a girl. It wasn’t that I really wanted one or the other; only that I was so sure it was a girl. This, of course, led to me dreaming about girl things and planning a girl nursery. Well, surprise!, it’s a boy. I cried when we found out, as well, for the same exact reason you did. It felt like a little dream was dying. But now that I’ve wrapped my head around it, I know it will be great. Plus everyone tells me boys are easier, though smellier.
cherry / 216 posts
Thank you for this post, Mrs. Yo-yo. I am a month away from finding out the gender of my baby and I find the suspense nerve-wrecking. I, too, desperately want a girl because of the bond I have with my own mum. And I, too, will probably react similarly with tears and guilt and mourn “the loss of a certain dream”. But your post gives such a sense of hope: I will love my child more than I can imagine despite gender!
Your little jedi-babe is adorable by the way! May the force be with you.
blogger / pomegranate / 3201 posts
I TOTALLY felt the same way… before we started trying. I used to say that I knew people were lying when they said they didn’t care either way and that I knew either my husband or myself would be disappointed because he wanted a boy and I wanted a girl.
However, after trying for over a year and going through a miscarraige, once we got pregnant for good, I completely changed my tune. I can, with 100% honesty, say that I did/do not care either way. All I want is to carry and deliver a healthy baby.
hostess / wonderful watermelon / 39513 posts
I felt the same way- I cried when I found out that I was having a girl. I always imagined having a boy first then a girl!
honeydew / 7968 posts
i’ve always wanted a girl because my mom and i are close and i want that bond with my daughter. but after taking SO long to have a baby, i just wanted a baby! then, since i felt pressure to have a son, i wanted a son to get it over with. but god bless me with the best of both worlds and now i’m having both!
blogger / pomelo / 5400 posts
@ Mrs. Tictactoe: Completely understandable that a loss would alter your mindset!
@ Blushink: I think we’d like another at some point … and yeah, I’ll be hoping for a girl again, if only for the sake of balance this time
kiwi / 623 posts
haha I’m the complete opposite. For some reason, I really wanted a boy….and in fact only wanted boys (3 to be exact). After I got pregnant, my husband kept asking me, “what if it’s a girl?” and I said, “I’ll love her too…………but I really hope it’s a boy”. I was SO relieved when our 20 week ultrasound confirmed it was a boy.
I honestly and truly believe that I will love this baby with the utmost love a mother could give but would have needed some time to adjust if we had found out it was a girl. After the finding out, I did some thinking/reflecting and even started to become more open to having a girl (in the future). I know it won’t be up to me but I’m glad that this experience had changed my perspective. Thanks for your post!
grapefruit / 4671 posts
Gosh, this post sums up how I feel to a tee. I want a girl, have always really wanted one. However, from th eminute I got pregnant for some reason it felt like a boy. I am convinced that it is definitely a boy so I’m bracing yself. I’ll find out in 6 weeks what the deal is. Btw, your son is sooooooo beautiful.
blogger / wonderful cherry / 21628 posts
I strongly want a baby boy when we have our first. So much so that I think I will be disappointed if I have a girl. Oh and that Star Wars onesie… I am obsessed!!!!! Best movies ever. Do you know where it was purchased?
wonderful pomelo / 30692 posts
Thank you so much for posting this! I completely agree, that the really important part is having a healthy child, boy or girl, but some of us really do have a preference, and if we don’t get what we want, it can be devastating. I have always always always wanted a girl, and I know that if I don’t have one, my heart will break. I know that I will love my children regardless, but part of me will mourn for the life I dreamed of.
Thank you so much for sharing.
blogger / pomelo / 5400 posts
@ tana_bk – I believe it was Baby Gap. We also have a ton of Star Wars baby clothes from Old Navy, which has done a lot of retro stuff lately.
coconut / 8279 posts
Aw I loved reading this
DH had a rough childhood and was scared to he kids because he was really nervous we’d have a boy. So he was reeeeaaally hoping we’d have a girl. Of course we ARE having a boy, haha. It’s taken him some time but he’s really excited now. I love where you say, “if I’d know it was him -him-that I was getting” – ah! I know that’s how DH will feel this weekend. (and you’ve got this mama in tears! hehe)
nectarine / 2964 posts
Oh you made me cry
I felt the exact same way when we found out we are having a boy. I also always pictured myself as a mother to a girl. After I got pregnant, actually it didn’t matter as much to me but my husband convinced me that a girl would be much better. We were picking out girls names and picturing what to say to the boy at our doorstep when he comes by to pick our girl up to the prom.
I found out by myself through ultrasound at 18 weeks because of some tummy discomfort. My husband was out of town, and I had to break the news to him over the phone so he could sulk on his own without affecting me negatively.
Similar to what you say, a friend of mine who wanted a boy but ended up with a girl said similar things to me. She said when you finally meet your child, you’d realize you couldn’t imagine it was the other way. And you’ll know it was all meant to be.
I am looking forward to meeting my son in a few weeks
coffee bean / 37 posts
I know the feeling, although we’re only waiting to ttc, the thought of having a boy scares me. It’s not that i don’t want a boy, I just wouldn’t know what to do with one.
Loving the jedi onesie, will have to find one for our frien’ds baby boy!
kiwi / 718 posts
holy crap, that is a cute photo.
I must admit, I would prefer to have a boy as my first child. not because I’ve always seen myself as the mother of a boy or anything {it’s still really weirding me out to picture myself as the mother of anyone}, but because I really like the idea of having a boy being the oldest – you know the one who will protect his younger siblings & all that? which I know is silly, but I would like that. but I guess we will see when baby gets here!
cherry / 116 posts
I wanted a boy SO BADLY. When the ultrasound tech announced that baby was a girl, I bit my lip to keep from crying. I cried after leaving the office for about 20 minutes, and then realized I was being silly. Now that my daughter is here, I LOVE being a mother to a little girl! If we have another at this point, I don’t even really care the gender. In fact, if I’m really honest about it, I’m kind of hoping to have another girl!
cantaloupe / 6146 posts
I “knew” I was having a boy, but I didn’t want to find out at the anatomy scan because I knew I would fall apart. I almost cried during the ultrasound actually.
I knew if I waited until the day he was born it would somehow be easier because there would be a baby in my arms. Instead, I had the idea of “you WILL have a boy, but you still have nothing at all and definitely not a girl” in my head. It took a long time to stop being mopey, And I’m still getting used to it.
coconut / 8279 posts
haha, just reread this one and am in tears again – and notice that I posted my original comment on my due date and just two days before my little boy was born. what a beautiful year it’s been, I can’t imagine my life without this little man.
blogger / pomelo / 5400 posts
@rachiecakes: I know, right? It’s hard to imagine having a girl now!
pomelo / 5084 posts
LOVE this post. First IUI is this weekend. DW and I do have a slight girl preference if only because we know we can relate more easily. However, I have heard the same thing from everyone – you get over that initial disappointment and never look back!