I’ve always been anxious, even as a little kid. I am sure that some of this was due to the instability of my environment because of my parents. I felt like I had no control. I can remember freaking out internally that one of my toys had been left outside overnight. I spent an entire night laying awake panicking because it was outside and I needed to get it, but I was scared to go outside alone at night. This continued through my teenage and young adult years, with everything coming to a head after I had Little Bug. It’s basically been 33ish years of anxiety and I am now really coming to terms with what it means for my life.

The anxiety changes day to day and now that I am on medication, it has been much less intense, but it is still there. When I was younger, the thoughts racing in my head and the inability to turn them off was the thing that made me most uncomfortable. I fought the feeling but I never felt like I got a hold of it. There were weeks where my brain just wouldn’t stop. It was exhausting, and I think that it ultimately had an affect on my life in ways that I can’t even begin to understand.

By the time I had children, I had gotten some control over the anxiety, but once the kids were here, it was not even remotely in my control anymore. The feelings were always there, the sleepless nights continued, and eventually I felt miserable because it was so frustrating to feel like this and not be able to turn it off. The few things that really stood out were my fear of driving and the panic that surrounded the idea of anyone else taking care of the kids. It was awful driving the kids anywhere, with me going longer routes to avoid driving on busy roads. I never drove at night, and any amount of inclement weather sent me into an absolute panic. I thought about the kids all day long, worrying that whoever was watching them was abusing them, or letting them cry too long, or any other number of scenarios.

When Little Bug was about 10 months old, I couldn’t take it anymore. I was completely exhausted from the constant anxiety and the lack of sleep and I confided in one of my close friends all of what I was feeling. She encouraged me to call my midwife and let her know how I was feeling. So I did and she got me in to see her immediately, She encouraged me to start medication and to contact a therapist she recommended. I started the medication slowly and began meeting with my therapist weekly. It felt really strange to me to be taking a medication for something like this, but I could feel the difference. Where the thoughts were before and I couldn’t control them, I started being able to use logic to stop the thoughts. Driving became easy again for the most part, even though I really don’t like to drive. And the biggest difference for me was my anger level. I felt more in control of my life and that cut a significant amount of my frustration. I had felt a lack of patience for a ling time prior to starting medication and having more patience as a result was an effect I was not expecting.

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So now, this is where I am at. It’s hard to explain fully, but I feel mostly even all the time. I don’t have huge shifts from being miserable to being really happy, which is both good and bad. Sometimes I feel like I am dulled a little bit, but it feels better to be like this than to be in a constant state of worry. The other thing that I notice a lot is that I still get thoughts that drift into my head, but I can logically sort through them and disregard them without spending hours or even days thinking about them. I don’t remember the last time I cried for no reason, but I also can’t remember the last time I cried from laughing so hard. It’s sort of a give and take for me. I would rather feel even than feel frantic, and even though I miss the ultimate happy days, I don’t really because even those days left me feeling miserable eventually. My patience level is much higher and I feel more connected to both my kids. It’s just better overall. I do have some days where I think to myself that maybe I don’t need to be on the meds anymore, but I know in my head that this problem existed for a lot longer than I can even fathom, so the meds are probably a necessity for me now.

Overall, my experience dealing with the anxiety and depression has made me more aware of my own moods and feelings. It has helped me feel more in control by admitting that there was an issue and that medication really does help me. I hope that I can set an example to my kids through being proactive with my mental health and that because of this, they will feel more comfortable talking to me if they are going through something themselves in the future. Like my doctor said to me, my brain is sick and I would treat other illnesses with medication without hesitation, so why shouldn’t I treat this with medication too.

Have you struggled with mental health issues? What did you do to help yourself?