Hellobee

Before I had kids, I thought I would treat them equally. I wanted to be fair. I wanted them to feel love equally.

Shortly before giving birth to Panda, I read Siblings Without Rivalry (Mrs. High Heels has a great review of the book here) and one point really stuck with me: “To be loved equally . . . is somehow to be loved less. To be loved uniquely — for one’s own special self — is to be loved as much as we need to be loved.” I didn’t fully understand its meaning, though, until I had two children to raise, each with their unique personalities and needs.

Best friends and brothers, but oh so different!

Today, I realize that parenting goes much more smoothly and (I think) each child feels he is getting what he needs when I treat them as individuals rather than being concerned with complete equity. Here are some examples of how I parent each child differently that seems to work for our kids, at least at this stage:

– Tantrums: Completely ignoring the start of a tantrum didn’t work with Lion and inevitably would escalate into a full-on meltdown almost instantly. Lion seems to be more sensitive and us not paying attention to him would just send him spiraling. While we don’t want to reward tantrums, we feel like we can sometimes keep them from escalating by engaging with him, even if it’s just asking whether he needs a minute to be upset (and then giving him some space). Panda recently started throwing tantrums, but they almost immediately go into meltdown mode. Now, if I ignored Lion’s meltdowns at this age, he would scream and cry for an hour or more; we actually timed his meltdowns. Hence, why we tried so hard to avoid them. When I tell Panda he can’t have a particular snack or object at that moment, he throws himself on the floor and shrieks (much louder than any toddler should have the lung capacity for, I might add). And then within five minutes, he’s completely over it and has moved on. Ignoring Panda’s tantrums seem to work quite well.

– Distractions: Sometimes, in order to ward off a tantrum, we’ll try distraction. This has worked wonderfully with Panda, who doesn’t hone in on a particular object/activity the way Lion does. With Panda, we can redirect him easily to another activity or toy and just randomly pick whatever item is closest. Our attempts to distract Lion from whatever it is that he wants to do that we don’t want him to do have largely been failures. The one exception is when we pull out a book for Lion (his absolute favorite activity is reading), which would never work for Panda.

– Paying attention: I don’t really know how to articulate this one, but with Lion, because of his personality, I can (usually) trust him to stay close by and not take risks. He is very cautious and always has been; after the first time he walked and took six steps before falling, he refused to walk again for the next seven days at which point he shocked us by walking across the room. He wants to know that he will be successful before he actually attempts something. So, at the park, I knew he wouldn’t try to climb up a structure that was too dangerous for him, or fling himself off the top of the big toy. I didn’t have to pay attention to him as much because I knew he would closely follow behind me or walk next to me at the museum. Panda, on the other hand, requires my constant attention. He will not only chase after his big brother on the play structures at the park, but he’ll attempt to climb (or fling off) things that Lion doesn’t even want to attempt. He’s a daredevil and has very little shyness, which means he’s content taking off in the middle of the aquarium without any concern about where I am (see also: distractions above). While I don’t want to completely shield him from natural consequences, I’d also like to avoid trips to the emergency room and, well, keep the child alive!

– Rule following: Lion is a huge rule follower. We could tell him not to climb the stairs and he (generally) wouldn’t. Panda, on the other hand, sometimes clearly understands that we don’t want him to climb the stairs and will just look at us with an impish grin and head up the stairs. Panda definitely tests his boundaries a lot more. As a result, we’ve had to set clearer boundaries at an earlier age for Panda.

– Cry-it-out: When Lion was an infant, we tried cry-it-out on the recommendation of our pediatrician. It was a HUGE disaster and he screamed non-stop for probably 90 minutes before Mr. Dolphin and I gave up. We tried it again and the result was the same. I couldn’t deal with it anymore and vowed never to use cry-it-out again. Then, we had Panda, who was clearly so different from his brother right from the start. He cried only when he was overtired and fussed when he was hungry, but other than that never really cried. We tried cry-it-out and he would cry for a couple of minutes, then settle down. Even now, when I put Panda down for the night, after we read books he will ask to go into his crib. Yet, inevitably, the second I lay him down, he cries. I quickly exit the room and within a minute (usually), he quiets down and falls asleep.

– Love languages: Ultimately, what some of the differences in how I parent each child comes down to is responding to their languages. At (almost) 3 and 17 months, it may be hard to really pinpoint what love language appeals most to each of our kids. However, I suspect that quality time and words of affirmation are highest on Lion’s list. He loves spending time together reading, playing at the park, going to a music class or playing trains. He is constantly asking for us to play with him and I noticed that his parental preference really started shifting when I made a bigger effort to have “special time” with him. He also seems to need more external validation and even as an infant would always wait for us to praise him before he would smile or seem satisfied. Panda, by contrast, is so independent. He loves to go off and do his own thing. If we seem to bore him, he doesn’t cry or shove toys in our face like Lion would have at this age, but he will walk away and play independently with the trains or play kitchen. Additionally, whenever he figured out a new skill, the very act of learning that skill was enough for him. He would break out into a huge smile, clap his hands or exclaim, “yay!” without needing any praise from us (we still gave it to him, but it didn’t seem to make a difference). By contrast, I’m pretty sure Panda’s love language is personal touch. He is such a cuddle bug and we spend time each night cuddling. Whenever I pick him up from daycare, he flings himself into my arms and then nuzzles his head into my shoulder. He will climb into my lap and get very jealous if Lion is occupying “his” spot. Panda loves to give me kisses and gets a huge smile when I kiss him. Of course, Lion was the exact opposite and has told me on many occasions that he doesn’t like kisses or that I’ve given him “too much hugs.” For Lion, physical touch is reserved for when he’s really upset, like after he’s thrown a huge tantrum or is really disappointed; otherwise he’d really prefer that we keep our hugging and kissing to a minimum.

.   .  .  .  .

I don’t think parenting differently will work in every situation and I don’t doubt that there will be times where the kid feel they are not being treated equally. I hope, though, that by meeting each of our kids’ individual needs, they will ultimately be happier and that we will support their growth in the manner most appropriate for each of them.