Hellobee

Sorry there’s been a delay in my telling of the “Theodorable–The Jack of Hearts” birth story. Adoption birth stories already have an extra layer of complexity, since the addition of a new member to one family means a loss to another family… but add in a critically ill baby and the story gets extremely complicated very quickly. It’s taken awhile to process the emotional component and to find a coherent narrative in the ball of raw feelings that we experienced during the birth, NICU stay, and homecoming.

This birth story really starts the night before the C-section when we had our birth parent dinner with Mama S. and B. It’s customary for our agency to set up a birth parent dinner the night before the birth because many adoptive parents fly from all over the country to the hospital contracted by our agency. Though we repeatedly mentioned that we were local and would have enjoyed doing the dinner sooner, it appeared that our case worker and other agency representatives had forgotten that crucial detail. This resulted in a last minute, night before the C-section dinner.

We already knew Mama S. pretty well, so we hadn’t felt like making a big deal about the scheduling problem, but we were curious to meet B. and to give them both support before the birth. I’ve written in the past about how to have a successful birth parent meeting, and I’ll admit I was not particularly nervous about this meeting. I was a little bit uncertain about how I could possibly love Mama S’s new partner as much as Jack Jack’s birth father and was still anxious about whether they would place the baby, but otherwise was pretty calm about the meet up itself.

We arrived at the restaurant with strict instructions to wait for our case worker before entering, so that the birth family would be seated prior to our arrival.  When we met with the case worker, she said there was a little change in plans and that Mama S’s mom and a family friend would also be joining us. They hadn’t arrived yet so we ended up all kind of congregating in front of the restaurant while waiting for them, which felt more natural to me than a staged entrance. When I saw S, it was like no time had passed since our last meeting and all my feelings of love for her came pouring back fresh. As is usual with our “family”, there was a little bit of chaos in getting everyone together– just enough to really put us at ease (and to rattle the case workers– their carefully orchestrated plan disintegrated in front of their eyes).

I did notice that S looked very tired and ashen. She told me that she thought this pregnancy was kicking her butt in a way Jack Jack’s never did. I was worried for her, but was glad that she was going to have the C-section in the morning so that she could start feeling better soon. B was very cute and very chatty, so we were all comfortable right off the bat, even agreeing to share some appetizers. It was immediately clear that we adored B more than we ever thought we would. We also learned a lot of valuable information to share with our son in the future. Both birth parents were very clear about their plan to place with us. They told us about all the profiles they looked through and how none of them felt right. They were both really scared to ask us to parent and were relieved when we said yes. They said they were pretty sure they would have decided not to place the baby if we had said no. Those few disclosures were reassuring because 1) it looked like things would work out, but also because 2) my gut feelings that they were considering keeping the baby were correct. All the reassurances of the case workers rang pretty hollow in that moment. I should have trusted myself more and explored my concerns with S, not the agency.

In that short meeting, the world felt to be in perfect balance. As I sat blissfully eating delicious cheesecake while chatting with S and B, I finally felt as if the roller-coaster ride had ended. Tears filled my eyes as I reached across the table to hug B and welcome him into the Jacks family. The next couple days would be emotionally wrenching for all of us, but I also knew that the four of us would get through it together. I went home with a peaceful feeling that I hadn’t had during the whole waiting period.

We put the girls to bed and prepared them for our early start the next morning. I went to bed thinking that I’d be able to fall asleep easily, but suddenly it dawned on me…. it wasn’t the placement that was going to fail. There must be something wrong with the baby. An ice-cold sweat drenched me and I tossed and turned until morning. Something was wrong and I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, but something was very, very wrong…

To be continued.