Hellobee

Wow. You’re awesome. I hope I have that kind of strength when our time comes!

First of all, thank you for sharing this It's so hard to see our children's struggles. I absolutely agree with your decision, and it seems like she may have learned some really important stuff. Good job, Momma. I'm sure that wasn't easy for anyone involved.

Woah you gave the gifts back?! Even though the material gifts were more worthwhile for her, the best and most valuable gift was probably the lesson in itself. thanks for sharing

Good job. I wanted to do the same around Christmastime. Now I kind of wish I had. I probably would have made him give them away to an orphanage or something though — that was what I had in mind although I don’t think he’s old enough to really GET that aspect of it.

Dang mama! You are amazing. I would have done (or at least tried to do) the same. I think it is a great lesson you are teaching her.

Whoa! Way to go Mama! Luckily, we haven’t experienced this here since I would not have handled it with the same grace you did! We did have to sit Mini Michelangelo down at the holidays (pre-gifts) and explain how the *size* of the gift does not relate to the *importance* of the gift. For example… your game box may be smaller than Pint-Size’s truck box, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t even. That was hard enough! I’m applauding you here in MA!

Wow! I am in awe, go you! I also have a very low tolerance for ungratefulness. How did the parents act when you returned the gifts? I know our friends/family would not be supportive of that (important!) lesson…

“Entitlement and a lack of gratitude are two of my biggest pet peeves”… hello, twin, once again! I have done similar things but haven’t been able to go as far as taking things away permanently, which is probably why we continue to have problems. Permanent consequences, that’s Lesson #5 for me..!! Thank you for sharing

This is such a great post, thank you! Entitlement and graciousness are huge issues to me, and I definitely want to make sure that I instill those values in my child. I’m bookmarking this to refer to later on – we’re still a few years from teachable moments, but I’m definitely saving all the pointers I can find now.

Amazing!! Yes to both of your pet peeves. It was a tough lesson and you are so courageous to instill such a valuable lesson in her. I hope to have the same courage if/when I come across this in the future.

I have so much respect for you after reading this! I can’t imagine how hard that was.

Wow I am also a bit surprised you gave the gifts back! What did the other parents say out of curiosity! I totally agree with you that I dislike entitlement and ungratefulness as well and we have dealt with it for sure here. What a tough lessons to deal out and Im sure it was hard as a parent too!

I will say this, it might be an age thing. Over Christmas Drake got this toy set that came with several small animal characters for it. He noticed right away on the box (thanks marketing) that there were other animals that he didnt have. We told him he could earn those other animals with a new reward chart for the future but he would not let up and just kept talking about them which made my husband very upset at the ungratefulness of all the things he received and eventually he got in trouble and lost that toy until he was able to clean up and play nicer with appreciation which he did…he hasnt mentioned those other animals again. My husband was so irritated until later that day when telling his mother the story she mentioned it was on his 4th Christmas that after going downstairs to see the tree he looked around and said “That’s it”. So after that he was a little kinder and understanding to Drake’s own ungratefulness. Because all of these stories happened with 4 year olds I almost wonder if its something developmental with this stage and perhaps they are at the peek of egocentricness according to Freud. Anyways its not easy for sure trying to teach your children appreciation, gratefulness, and contentedness…lots of adults still have a difficult time with this! Good job mama!

Whew, thanks for posting, so glad I’m not the only one that has reigned in the presents. It was a different scenario, but I did something similar at Christmas time because of past years of too many gifts. We had no presents under the tree and my kids got to open one present each plus their little stocking stuffers. My husband thought I was being a grinch, but I didn’t budge. In the end, he saw that it wasn’t such a bad idea. The kids really appreciated the gifts and there were no issues. It was such a nice, relaxing day that wasn’t focused on presents. I think it’s easy for kids to get overwhelmed when there’s too much going on so I was going for a simpler approach.

Wow! That is super impressive. I love how you handled it.

Wow, I also want to know how the other parents reacted when you returned the gifts!

Being thankful is very important, I agree, and a hard thing to teach. Good for you for sticking to your guns.

Why couldn’t she open the gifts during the party, just out of curiosity? Only asking because that’s how I always did it when I was a kid. Of course, it probably worked out for the best that the party guests didn’t hear her reactions to the gifts!

You are amazing mama! Those are also my pet peeves. I agree that it’s better to nip it in the bud early. How hard it must have been and felt for you to follow through with your action plan. Thanks for sharing.

Love reading this story! I too hate entitlement and this was a powerful way to handle it. Big lesson for sure, but such an important one. Thank you so much for sharing – these are the types of hard parenting articles I want to read!

Good job mama! Way to stay strong!

Waiting is Not Easy sounds like a great book. How did you handle the gift returning? Was Noelle involved?

I think she waited a long time, past your original promise of when she could open her gifts. I know that you wanted her to learn to be flexible, but I think that maybe in her mind, you had set out a promise and broken it and so she let out her feelings of disappointment at the gifts instead. She held up her end of the bargain, and more. In my opinion, you introduced a new stipulation (that she be grateful for the gifts) after she already fulfilled the original understanding (that she wait until 2:00) for the gifts. For a four year old, that is a lot to process…to be able to get over your disappointment (and over stimulation) of waiting past the original time and expressing it appropriately (ie she is no longer excited about the presents, though she might have been grateful). Just my thoughts.

I get where you are coming from, but based on the stages of cognitive development I don’t think that her behaviors are that surprising for a four year old. I believe that you have the right to make the choice for what is best for your family, but I struggle with the idea that verbally expressing disappointment should have such harsh consequences when they are still in the egocentric phase of life.

I would be embarrassed to give presents back to the other families and maybe explaining what happened might make them feel awkward or bad. But your post gives me a gratitude idea for my daughter’s upcoming birthday. I will have my LO make a thank you card before each present is used or played with.

@Mrs. Chocolate: @Mrs. Tiger: @DigAPony: They were all very understanding and respected our wishes! It really was a very small affair with our closest friends who are like family to us, so it was not as complicated as it sounds. We only had a handful of gifts to return.

@DigAPony: We didn’t plan to open the gifts at the party bc I didn’t think guests would enjoy sitting around watching her open gifts, and she already doesn’t like attention so I thought it’d be better just to do it later. I’ve also rarely been to a kids party where they opened gifts in front of the guests. Once we said, “we’ll do it after the guests leave” I didn’t feel good about backtracking and letting her open gifts just because she wanted to. We had already said one thing, I just didn’t want to waffle on it.

@autumnlove: Noelle wasn’t involved. I returned it on my own. I didn’t feel good about pushing the message even further by having her see her gifts get returned.

@knittingmama: My original promise was never a set time though, it was always just “when the guests leave” from the very beginning. She didn’t know the party had a designated end time of 2 pm. I understand she has every right to be disappointed, and sometimes we can’t help how we feel… but I felt it was important for her to know how to say “thank you” when she’s the recipient of a gift, and act appropriately. When she was opening the gifts and expressing disappointment, yes that bothered me a little… but it wasn’t until she asked for MORE that I decided it was enough. I just didn’t think it was good for her to have this expectation that she deserved gifts, and to expect a certain type of gift.. then make a big deal when it was something she didn’t want.

@Radish: You bring up good points, and a definitely thought about how she’s still very egocentric developmentally, and while her expression of disappointment did bother me a little (but that can’t be helped, I get disappointed all the time and I’m a grown woman)… the thing that really bothered me was the expectation that she somehow deserved the gifts – that sense of entitlement.

@808love: I think I was only able to comfortably do this was because it was really such a small, intimate gathering of our closest friends. People who love our daughter as their own. We only invited 4 families.

@Mrs. High Heels: I think that when you are a 4 year old and you go to other kids parties and give them gifts and see the gifts they get it builds up the hype for when it is your turn. Sure birthday parties are awesome because you get to play with your friends and eat cake, but this one was different because *she* was the one who was getting the gifts – which makes the gifts a central focus for her. I used to work in a pre-k so these are things my kids have expressed to me in the past. Don’t get me wrong, entitlement is not a trait I want to push on kids, but they don’t view the world like a logical adult.

@Mrs. High Heels: oh yes, that makes a difference.

I wish we had an applause emoji here! Good job, momma! I totally agree and this is why we decided that for CB’s past birthday, in lieu of gifts, we would ask his friends for donations (CB got to choose what kind) to be given to those in need. He chose to collect food and when we brought the 60+ pounds of food to the food pantry, it was such an amazing, eye-opening experience for him. We plan to continue this for future birthdays and hope that he will continue to enjoy it.

We are still working on entitlement issues for sure and had to have lots of prep before Christmas, but we are definitely conscious of it and like you, it is a major pet peeve of mine!

I don’t know your daughter, but just one more thought—I think you’ve mentioned she is an introvert. For such a long party, which may have been energy draining for an introvert, she may have comforted herself with the thought (maybe not even consciously) with something like “When this is over, I’ll get to open lots of presents, at least.” Hence the disappointment and what came off as entitlement.

I just thought I would share another possible opinion, but my LO is only 2, so I am not speaking from experience.

Dang, sounds like kind of a bummer of a birthday… All the attention on you when you don’t like attention, promises of opening presents pushed out longer and longer, the bummer of not getting the (super awesome you) gift you were expecting, then cleaning up your own party and having your gifts taken away… I’m a grown woman and woulda not handled it well! Haahhaa, but good for you for doing what works best for you and your family!

I think it’s great that you followed through when you said you were going to do something. That is important in discipline. I also totally agree with you about entitlement and ungratefulness. But, I do think this is just part of normal development though and I am not sure she is developmentally ready to learn this lesson. Will she remember in the future to actually be grateful for what she has (a lesson that even adults struggle with) or will she just remember that if she doesn’t react correctly, she will get punished…? I guess I just would have gone about it in a more gentle way at this age.

Regardless, I think you are a great mom and you are trying hard to instill in your kids the values that are important to you. For that I applaud you. We all go about it in different ways, but if we are mindful of what’s important and consistent with our LO’s I’m sure they will all turn out great!

I get very frustrated with entitlement as well, but was there a discussion about your expectations in that department before she opened them and received a consequence? I also think that some of the disappointment may have stemmed from the long wait – things can get built up so much (especially in the mind of a 4 year old), that they ultimately fall flat compared to what was imagined.

Kudos for doing what you felt best and sticking to it, though!

@knittingmama: I didn’t include a few details, but when the party extended to the afternoon, she actually went down for a nap. When she woke up, everyone was gone, and she was awake and refreshed. I definitely tried to consider her introversion when throwing her a party – low-key, at home, small guest list… you make a good point though! I’m introverted too and know how draining social settings can be.

@Turd Ferguson: She actually had a really great time! She was so happy throughout most of it, and I asked her if she was okay with people singing happy birthday to her and she nodded and just asked that nobody clap. That part only lasted a few minutes. She offered to clean up at the end, we didn’t ask her to help. The gifts are all but forgotten now a few days later. She’s still in great spirits and knows she is loved.

Is she, by chance, your first? I just have to ask, because I was very concerned with my first that she master the basics of becoming a perfect citizen of the family and world from a very early age…as if the salvation of human decency was on my (and her) shoulders. Now, honestly, I regret that. That was such a heavy burden for me to place on her. Today she’s pretty darn near the perfect little adult at age 9 (better than A LOT of adults we encounter on a daily basis)! She constantly gets praise for being the star student, her willingness to lend a helping, her kindness to others, for being a responsible leader, for being extremely gracious etc. etc. etc. While these are all things that I deeply value and I’m proud of her, I feel like I robbed her of natural development and tried to replace it with a version of myself and others that is really quite unattainable. She puts on a good show, but at times I’ll get a glimpse into the inner turmoil I’ve helped to place in her–she’s afraid of imperfection. That’s a scary thing to be afraid of as a human being, because imperfection is what we’re made of! I totally get the desire to give your children the best of everything, especially the best guidance toward becoming the best person possible, but sadly, I’ve learned that even the best efforts can leave you with regrets.

In my experience, now that I have two other children, letting up a bit on the instruction and just making sure your example is as squeaky clean as possible goes at least as far as constant mini-lessons on proper behavior. From the sounds of things, you’re probably already offering the best of yourself…just trust that YOU are enough. She will follow. And, keep trusting your instincts…in this case, it was a stroke of pure genius to wait to open presents until AFTER everyone left, since she’s not at a developmental stage where she’s able to fake excitement or be uber gracious about a new outfit :). Way to find a solution to accommodate that possible reaction in a private, controlled manner!

One last thing: I’ve been in your place of feeling like I NEED to stick to my word more times than I want to admit…and most of the time I’ve followed through dogmatically. I’m learning that sometimes it works to tell your kids, “You know, I’ve thought a little more about what I told you was going to happen, and I’ve changed my mind. This is what we’re going to do instead….” Honestly, sometimes things change during the course of a few hours, and you need to build the option to re-negotiate the terms into your game plan to be truly effective and/or efficient in your parenting. This doesn’t take you out of the driver’s seat, it just turns off the auto-pilot mode…if anything, it helps kids learn that even adults have to adjust their plans, and the plans can still be well thought-out and deliberate.

You are one good mama, and I’m grateful there are others out there who really want to teach their children how to be respectable, responsible and socially conscious individuals!

Wow, I’ve never heard of anything like this before.

@Turd Ferguson: I’m with you, as an adult I would not be pleased with all this. As a four year old? Woah.

I know 4 year olds can be entitled, but I don’t think that her opening her presents like 5 hours later than expected and then voicing her honest thoughts about the gifts is being entitled. But, you know her better than me soo maybe it is for her? Idk. This just seems cruel to me. I think a discussion about being appreciative and gracious would be more appropriate.. She’s four, knowing that everyone now thinks she is an entitled turd who wasn’t allowed to keep her presents because she didn’t like them enough is probably more damaging than had she been allowed to keep them in the first place. Yikes.

I’m not sure of the age-appropriate issue here, but, I am a 5th grade teacher and after holiday break, many of my students regaled me of tales about how they were “so upset” about their holiday gifts in comparisons to their siblings’ or their wish list. They told me proudly about how they cried and “didn’t give up” until their parents caved and bought them more. So, just saying, kids can get REALLY nasty, manipulative, and ungrateful when their behavior is left unchecked.

Also, in my personal opinion, I think there’s a line between being unappreciative in front of guests, and expressing your honest opinions/feelings privately. Your daughter should have a safe space to express her natural opinions, which was in the privacy of your own home. Had she exhibited this behavior in front of guests, however, that’s quite different. I understand you’re trying to avoid that, and that “line” is hard to teach to kids. But it can be done.

Thank you for sharing with us. I don’t know that I could or would want to make the same choice that you did, but I really appreciate your perspective.

I just had one question: do you think, if she didn’t like the gifts, that making them go away kinda reinforces the idea that she doesn’t have to keep them? Just wondering if that played into your thoughts at all.

Regardless, I think the idea of the attitude of gratitude is an awesome one. And I agree,these parenting waters are crazy ones!

Nevvvvver implied that she wasn’t loved, at all! Hopefully if the presents are all but forgotten, the “lesson” wasn’t!

Aaaand, just for shits and giggles: http://youtu.be/q4a9CKgLprQ

I think too many people confuse “natural development for her age” with approving of and normalizing said behavior. You can acknowledge that it’s not atypical for a four year old to be egocentric, while at the same time using that as a teachable moment to help her overcome her natural inclinations. Too many times I’ve watched parents shrug their shoulders and basically say, “What are you gonna do? They’re four. They’ll grow out of it, eventually.” While they’re waiting for their kids to grow out of it, they don’t realize that their kids are growing into it–becoming more and more accustomed to a certain mindset and behavior.

Kudos for sticking to your principles and nipping this in the bud!

@Wowza: I really appreciate your perspective, thank you for sharing that in a constructive way! She is my first, and although this one incident does sound harsh, in general, I am a pretty laid back mama and she generally gets a lot of leeway. Maybe too much sometimes! I don’t expect perfection from her. I really like your example phrase about what to say if I ever want to re-negotiate terms. Will definitely keep that in mind for the future!

@LovelyPlum: That actually didn’t cross my mind, but I don’t think she took it that way. She really wanted her gifts, especially after she couldn’t have them anymore.

@DesertDreams88: Thank you for sharing your experiences as a teacher! Stories like that are always fascinating (and scary) to me. For me personally, I don’t think it would’ve been okay for her to act so entitled even to us, her family. She is definitely free to share her disappointment or sadness over not getting what she wants, but I think it’s important to have self-control over how we respond to our feelings. I do think that at the age of four, she is capable of that. I’ve seen her do it time and again in other situations. Some interesting articles on children and self-control –

http://web.stanford.edu/group/sparklab/pdf/Tarullo,%20Obradovic,%20Gunnar%20(2009,%200-3)%20Self-Control%20and%20the%20Developing%20Brain.pdf

http://www.ahaparenting.com/_blog/Parenting_Blog/post/Help_Your_Child_Develop_Self_Control/

@Skadi: So eloquently stated! My husband and I were talking through this, and he brought up a similar point (but you worded it much better). I looked up some articles and they seem to support what you say too.

@cait: Expectations were definitely laid out during Christmas, then again at an earlier birthday celebration with just the immediate family.

@Turd Ferguson: I remember that video – funny!

@Mrs. Cowgirl: That is such a great idea! I’d love to do something like that in the future. Gotta make a mental note!

@Andrea: I love your simple approach to Christmas!

@Mrs. Paintbrush: Oh gosh, I can see a conversation like that in my future!! That’s a good distinction to call out!

@mamimami: I’d love to somehow incorporate donating and giving in the future with my kids. I really want them to learn how to give as well as receive! It’d be good for them to experience it firsthand.

I guess I’m going to be THAT mom that no one wants to be like lol. I could never take gifts away from my child. Very interesting way to have handled this!!

This kind of makes me want to go buy my baby a gift just for the fun of it. Is your daughter still sad about having to give back some presents?

Tough lesson but I think you handled it with great care and tact. You are a very loving mama and are doing a great job instilling values in your children.

@Mrs. Cowgirl: love this idea!

@Skadi: I completely agree with you. Too many time s I hear parent say, “they’re only…”. I think kids are way smarter than we give them credit for.
Just because this is normal behavior for this age doesn’t mean we should condone it. Then that’s how they become self entitled, ungrateful adults.

@Mrs. High Heels: I really applaud you sticking to your guns. I’m not sure if I would have been able to go through with this important lesson. But I hope I can!

There are many times that I say “they are only …” but that is generally to myself or my DH when I get frustrated that I have to keep repeating the same lesson for my 4.5 year old. Yes he needs to learn good behaviors, and various social graces but he is 4.5 so when I have to repeat the lesson and take away a toy or put him or time out (depending on what is appropriate) what seems like 500th time I will do it. But I have to keep in mind he is only 4.5 and he will need repeated lessons.

I certainly would have had my child open the presents during the party, when it is very small opening presents is part of the fun the sheer delight kids have at ripping open paper. But if your thing is after the guests leave that is fine that is your thing. Even if she did go for nap when the party was scheduled to end she was probably thinking that she would open presents before hand and there might have been some residual resentment because she had all this time to dream up these super amazing things and reality while great just fell flat in comparison.

I also agree with another poster that she should be able to express her disappointment in private and not feel that she is doing something bad. This is not the approach I would have taken, I certainly would not have given the gifts back even to close friends and family. They likely would have gone into time out and the child would have to earn them back. But again at 4 lessons need to be taught this just seems overly harsh, but perhaps it is due to the limiting nature of text rather than actually being there.

And lastly I think it is important to teach our children about helping others, giving and charity. I am absolutely against the idea of using their birthday as the time to do it. While I do not what them to become little ego monsters their birthday is a celebration of them and it should focus on them because they are worthy of it. There are well over 300 days in a year to help them learn the importance of giving to others, and how it benefits others as well as themselves. The whole concept just smacks me as telling the child yes yes you are important but look at all these other people/kids that need help so really they are more important than you. I also think that by focusing on giving for most of the year it allows it to become a natural act and it doesn’t become oh great it is my birthday more forced giving.

I get that parents don’t want more stuff, but you know what if that is the case don’t have a freakin party. Just invite family and friends over like it was any other get together and then hey guess what I have this cake lets sing.

@Mrs. High Heels: gotcha! I ask because this is something that we dealt with a lot in my family growing up. I have a sister who is developmentally delayed, and she has always, always struggled with the moment of opening up gifts. I think that she builds up the moment in her head, so no matter what, she is going to be disappointed. For her, taking the gifts that she didn’t like away would essentially be getting what she wants (“I don’t need this, I don’t like this, I don’t want this, I won’t use this”, etc). And even this year, at 26, she got a little teary when she thought that everyone else got more presents than she did. But, her struggle is always in the moment. My parents used to get really upset with her, but we’ve come to realize that with a little time, usually only half an hour or so, she can approach the gifts she was given with a more level head. At that point, then, she often finds that she misjudged them in the first place, that she really does like them, etc. She has never been able to handle the emotions that come with anticipation very well, so keeping a level head and not engaging the comments was what worked with her.

Anyways, I know that the scenarios are not the same exactly, but just wanted to offer my perspective.

I say good for you. Stick to your guns and what is important to your family. Thank you for sharing with everyone here.

Kids are capable. It is important to send the message that we believe that they can make good decisions on their own.

My mom did this to me when I was young – I still remember that Christmas (I think I was 5?) as one of the worst Christmases I’ve ever had.

To this day, I will not make Christmas lists. I don’t want to deal with it. I hate *hate* presents. In my mind, it places undue stress on me to like something (which IS stressful to me), I feel like I always have to make room for the stuff, even if I don’t like it (I cannot give away/throw away/return stuff I don’t like, because it makes me feel like ungrateful scum), and I would just rather not have it. I constantly think about what I would have rather had, even though I know it’s shitty. I can’t help it. I don’t even celebrate my birthday anymore because of it. I can’t tell you the number of boxes that are in my basement with presents I hate, that put an undue amount of guilt on me.

The best holidays are ones where I get nothing at all (or an experience gift – I can handle those).

@AmandaB8: I’m sorry you went through all that and its stayed with you for so long. Did she talk you through it and explain her reasoning behind why she did that? There are so many variables that come into play, I don’t think it’s as black and white as saying “take away gifts = scarred for life”. I don’t expect Noelle to like all her gifts, and it is okay for her to feel disappointed (I get disappointed about gifts too!), but I did want her to know that there is an appropriate response to receiving gifts, and throwing a fit about them is not it. And really, this incident was just a culmination of other instances where I felt she responded in a way that did not sit well with me.

How did you handle the ever-so-important lesson of giving or sending thanks if gifts weren’t opened at the party and were ultimately returned?

@Mrs. High Heels: Wow, I commend you for following your instincts, that was really brave.

In your shoes, I don’t think I would have returned the presents but I probably would have had her earn them back over the course of the year. I agree, I don’t like the idea that kids can constantly get away with bad behavior based solely on age.

Really interesting post and really interesting discussion here on the comments board.

I think you followed your gut and tried to teach a really important lesson. I think that too often parents say things like “Oh she’s only 6, she’ll grow out of it” or “Boys will be boys” — and are training/allowing their kids to become little terrors and suddenly they are 8 or 10 or 12 and it is harder to correct some of the behavior because its become innate.

I’m not sure what I would do in your situation and I’m not sure what’s best, but I do find the posting really interesting and only time will tell what I will do for my LO in these types of situations. I err on the side of being “strict” so I can see me following something similar. I want to raise a polite, kind, generous LO who understands gratitude and lacks entitlement. Only time will tell if I can successfully do that!

This sounds like it was a very difficult situation for you. Although I don’t think I would have reacted in the same way, I appreciate hearing your perspective and you sharing such a personal story. You sound like a loving, caring mother

@Mrs. High Heels: She did explain things, and I totally get that each child is different and that they are tons of variables.

I think the issue resonates with adults know how to ACT grateful, children do not. They’re true to feelings – they haven’t learned the difference between being grateful and actually liking the gift. To be grateful = enjoyment for them.

For me, it’s the dissonance between being grateful that someone got me something, but not actually liking the gift. And then I feel so guilty it makes me sick. Hell, I didn’t eve nregister for my wedding – DH did. It wasn’t an enjoyable experience.

Count me with the folks who are honestly a bit shocked. Gratitude is an act – not a feeling, and to expect a four year old to have mastered it is frankly developmentally inappropriate. I would worry that these kinds of overly harsh consequences might lead to real feelings of shame on her part, as well as her feeling unwilling to share her true feelings with you.

This blog post has really made me think a lot! I wouldn’t comment except that you have handled all these comments with a lot of grace. And I think if you are modeling that for your daughter, she will probably turn out fine.

My LO told me this year “On Christmas there lots of presents for me!” Initially I was horrified, oh no, my two year old is already selfish. Then I realized he was just being accurate. He had lots of aunts and uncles and he did get lots of presents. He doesn’t know saying things like that is not humble. So we tried to put a lot of emphasis on saying thank you. It is all learned behaviors. Kids are blunt, and mine is a lot more rude when he is overtired and over excited. We try to tell him “even if” a lot. First we emphasize, “I know you are tired and hungry. But even if you feel yucky, you have to use nice words.” Maybe your daughter needs some guidance in seeing the good in unexciting gifts? Like, “I know you don’t like that color. But it is really soft. I bet aunt so and so thought you would like how soft that sweater is. Tomorrow, let’s draw her a picture to day thank you.”

Really I don’t think the opposite if entitlement is necessarily gratitude. I think it’s work ethic. Discontentment is more the opposite of gratitude to me. She might just need some help finding what she does like in order to enjoy her gifts. I hope to teach my kids to avoid feeling entitled by teaching them things are earned through work. Feeling gratitude is something I struggle with when I am discontent with how my life is going and it’s something I have to force myself to do – look for the good. I’m sure that was even harder for me as a kid!

We have this book that might be helpful: http://www.amazon.com/Grateful-Giving-Thanks-Andrews-Collection/dp/006051633X

We haven’t had to deal with this much but a couple times she’s tossed something aside so we’ve either explained where she can wear the outfit or talked about different ways to use the toy. So far that’s quickly gotten her to focus and be excited. I’m not sure what we’d do if she complained more. I have to agree with @AmandaB8: a bit though. Gifts stress me out sometimes because we had the disappearing presents as well and I’d beat myself up a lot afterwards. It didn’t make me a better gift getter though. I just get really anxious and almost preemptively upset because I’m nervous about how they will perceive my reaction.

I think it’s commendable to always be striving to teach your kids to be grateful and gracious. But I have to admit that I think taking the presents away permanently from a four year old was a little harsh. I also wonder from your description ff the day was just too much stress and excitement for her, leading to a bad reaction. You did say that later she wanted her presents very much, so it seems like her initial reaction to them may have been influenced by the party and the waiting.

I also would have felt really bad if I was someone who got their present back. I would hate to find out that the reason is that she initially didn’t like any of the gifts, but then chose one to keep and it wasn’t mine. I’ve been in that situation where I took time to go and pick out presents for a birthday party for the daughter of a very good (but sometimes tactless) friend, who later told me she returned them because they were duplicates of other gifts and *that* made me feel bad. I think that part of the parents’ responsibility in regards to gifts is to be gracious and grateful even if their children can’t be.

I just want to applaud you for following your guts and doing what you felt was best for your daughter. And for sharing such a personal story and then taking in all these comments with such grace.

Please continue to share stories like this in the future.

I think it’s really difficult to make a call on how you’d react until you actually hear the words “I don’t want this present” come out of your child’s mouth.

I applaud you, Mrs. High Heels, for what you’ve shared.

At some point the excuse “my child is only …” is just that…an excuse. I really do feel it is our responsibility as parents to handle these situations in a way that our child grows. When we see a situation that provides a learning opportunity with natural consequences, I think it is our responsibility to use it to help our child learn these valuable lessons. Kids do not grow out of egocentric behavior. If they did, we wouldn’t see entitled egocentric adults (or 5th graders for that matter). Kids need parents who will help them understand the consequences of their actions. Was this too harsh? I don’t think that is for anyone to judge except for @Mrs. High Heels:, who knows her daughter and understands her development. I also think the message of grace, where Noelle was allowed to keep one of the presents, is an important one.

Obviously not all parents will make the same choices for their children, but I think assuming that kids will just grow out of these stages without intentional parenting is a bit naive.

I really agree with @jedeve:, @Mrs. High Heels: You’ve really handled all these varying comments and the whole party/gift situation with so much thought and grace! I haven’t yet had a 4 year old, so I can’t imagine what teaching these skills at that age would be like, but it seems to me that you are doing your very best, and an amazing job, in instiling behaviors you value. Thank you for sharing because this post and all the subsequent comments have been very educational and gives a new mom a lot to think about! I can see @wowza’s assessment of the first child situation. I’m a first and the pressure and expectations growing up (manners, behavior, etc.) were much much different than my younger siblings. I’m pretty sure that will also translate in my own parenting methods and expectations – though I’ll try to keep them in check.

How did i miss this post? It must have been during the newborn haze. I not only admire your parenting, but your willingness to share an experience that may not be well received by others (which usually results in some great discussion). You have also handled some of these comments with a lot of grace!

I share the same fears of our LOs growing up entitled and spoiled. I don’t think kids should be excused for certain behaviours, just because it’s their birthday/xmas/etc. You are strong for following through on returning those gifts!