I don’t want to be too alarmist, but we may have run into some complications.
Some people think of adoption as an easy way to have a baby. But in reality the process is filled with ups and downs. It’s a roller coaster. And like a roller coaster, you can’t get off until the ride is over… which is fine if you want to be on a roller coaster, but one of the more appealing parts of this repeat placement was that we presumed it would be relatively drama free. Maybe we’d be bypassing the roller coaster this time and doing something more like the Jungle Cruise– smooth water with a few surprises and laughs, not too exciting but enjoyable. After all, we have an ongoing relationship with most of the parties involved. What could possibly go wrong? (Famous last words.)
The other night I was chatting with Mr. Jacks. For some reason, the thought popped into my head, “What if the birth parents decide to parent?” I expressed the thought as it came to me. After all, Jack Jack’s birth mom has worked really hard towards her life goals and she’s getting there. She’s in a stable relationship, though says she’s not quite ready to parent. It is possible that as the birth draws nearer she could have a change of heart. In that case, I would support her 100%, even if it tore my own heart in a million pieces, but it would be seriously hard. I asked Mr. Jacks what he would do if our match failed.
It’s really important that birth parents maintain the ability to change their minds until the time that they sign the paper work, since adoptive parents get total control over the relationship after placement (such as degree of openness in relationship with birth family) — despite birth parent desires. It is only fair that birth families have full autonomy until the time that the baby moves to their new family. And it’s reasonable that the adoptive family maintains the right to decide what is best for the child after placement. So you could have an agreement to see each other once a year, but if there is a change in the birth parents’ status (drug abuse, incarceration, physical abuse, etc.) the adoptive parent can stop visits and birth parents have little recourse. It makes sense that the autonomy follows the baby. So, I strongly support birth parents’ rights to change their minds, even if it will be awful for me.
Mr. Jacks said pretty unequivocally that if this adoption falls through, he would be done. As in done done. No trying for a bio baby, no looking for another match. While I totally understand the sentiment, I can’t imagine prying my heart back open after all we’ve been through only to shut it back up again. My mind started to spin in a less than good direction.
And when that happens, it’s best to let those thoughts wash over you and not let them get to you. Maybe sleep on it and see if you are still plagued with doubts the next day. And if you are, maybe check in with a case manager to make sure everything is on track… what you are not supposed to do is freak out. I told myself all of that calmly. And then I freaked out!
When I reached out for reassurance from birth mom and the agency, the information I got was not reassuring at all. Any adoptive parent who has been matched can tell you that we are acutely attuned to every possible warning sign of impending match failure. During the match, there isn’t a lot of information coming your way, so every silence or strange turn of phrase is assigned meaning. Matched parents have to be masters at over-interpreting the information we’re given and then sorting through the signals to see which pieces really matter and which are just background noise. Some of the biggest warning signs of impending failure are also common behaviors during the final pre-placement weeks of a pregnancy. Agencies may lose contact with birth moms during that time. A birth parent may express some uncertainty. They may get engaged or show other signs of their desire to give parenting a go. All of these things can be normal parts of the process or warning signals of a failed match. And these mixed signals are part of what make the roller coaster go.
Without too many specifics, I can say that my check-in led to the realization that we were actually experiencing a couple of the major warning signs. Now this could just all be normal pre-placement “stuff” or it could be signs of a failed match. There is no way to tell unless you get new and more reassuring information, or the baby is in your arms and paperwork is signed. In other words, we were going to have to wait and see. We aren’t on the Jungle Cruise. This is the big kid roller coaster.
So, we went back to uncertainty mode– which is where pre-placement adoptive parents pretty much live. It shouldn’t have been a surprise, except that we were thinking that this was our time for something to go smoothly. 2014 had been so tough that we saw this little ray of hope as a signal of the light at the end of the tunnel. Now we’re not so sure.
Much as I would like, I can’t control the future. So for now I’ll just raise my hands high above my head as the roller coaster turns and drops and hope that we come out with a baby at the end.
If you have some good wishes to spare, please send them our way!
This is me enjoying an actual roller coaster that I actually wanted to be on in November. Throw your hands up, people!
Mrs. Jacks’ Adoption Journey part 6 of 16
1. You finally find peace, and... by Mrs. Jacks2. You finally find peace, and... Part II by Mrs. Jacks
3. You finally find peace, and... Part III by Mrs. Jacks
4. The Amazing Race by Mrs. Jacks
5. Telling the girls by Mrs. Jacks
6. Roller Coaster by Mrs. Jacks
7. The Name Game (Take 2) by Mrs. Jacks
8. Roller coaster update by Mrs. Jacks
9. Less than a week to go: checklist manifesto by Mrs. Jacks
10. Birth of a story by Mrs. Jacks
11. Birth of a story: birth parent dinner by Mrs. Jacks
12. The birth of a story: Friday the 13th by Mrs. Jacks
13. The birth of a story: Deep into darkness by Mrs. Jacks
14. The birth of a story: embracing uncertainty by Mrs. Jacks
15. The birth of a story: a new day by Mrs. Jacks
16. The birth of a story: settling in by Mrs. Jacks
kiwi / 511 posts
Oh so many hugs to you, as I feel you are a stronger person than I am. Adoption either international or domestic is a roller coaster and we wanted to limit as may of the hills as we could. And while the international adoption route is a roller coaster of its own, what you describe is exactly why we decided not to go with the domestic adoption route.
I saw my sister go through some of this as well when she did her domestic adoptions, and really didn’t feel a sense of relief until their final court date. I hope and pray that things work out happily for your family.
honeydew / 7295 posts
Oh goodness my heart squeezes tight for you! To hope and pray and go through so much for a third child only to lose all possibility is heartbreaking thought. Praying that it will all work out for the best. I have a feeling you will get this sweet baby you were promised.
P.s. I know your hubs says he would be done but he has said that before so maybe there is always hope of some kind. That’s what I hope sometimes for my husband who says he is done after our second too but in our case I’m pretty sure he truly means it.
hostess / wonderful watermelon / 39513 posts
Oh man, big hugs.
pomegranate / 3401 posts
Sending you good thoughts and praying for the best outcome for you and your family!
grapefruit / 4923 posts
i really hope this all works out for you guys. i can’t imagine the roller coaster that this is.
cantaloupe / 6059 posts
Oh my goodness. My parents had a failed match while adopting – in fact, the baby had been home with them a week when his 16 year old mother asked for him back before the adoption was formalized.
Adoption IS a rough road with many unknowns — thinking of you guys, and hoping for the best for this baby, as you navigate it.
pomegranate / 3595 posts
Oh what a roller coaster indeed! I will be praying for you and your family, for the baby and for the birth family. Hugs!
pear / 1556 posts
I can’t even imagine going through this! Your family is in my thoughts and prayers!
blogger / pineapple / 12381 posts
@Mrs.Maven: you bring up a really good point that I should address in a blog post some day.
While domestic infant does seem to be more of a roller coaster on the adoptive parents’ end, I prefer that to the sometimes very muddy/shady stuff that we don’t get to see in international adoptions. Now, I want to be clear that China and Korea seem to have much clearer requirements and boundaries for a child to be placed internationally than they used to… So if I was to do international, those would probably be the places I would go.
However, I’ve worked in Africa and got to see the orphanages up front. Many “placements” that happen are more informal where an uncle or another relative plans to come back for a child. It’s difficult to ascertain who is truly legally free. I’ve heard stories of mothers from villages who thought they would eventually get their child back or who thought this was a good way for their child to get an education in the US or that when the child was 18 she would come back to the home country and support their family with American riches.
A few families I know that we’re able to get an interpreter on their own and track down birth families in the home country (no small feat by the way) were shocked to hear what they found. They heard tales of corrosion by “baby brokers”, misunderstandings about what placement means, and general confusion on the part of birth parents or remaining relatives.
So yeah, international is cleaner on the adoptive parents’ end because we don’t see the drama… But it’s definitely still there. At least in my case I’m informed and have my eyes wide open. Even if it does mean I suffer. We purposely picked our agency because we are confident that they encourage birth mother autonomy. We would never want our birth mom to regret her placements
pomegranate / 3225 posts
omgggg… sending positive energy your way!
blogger / pineapple / 12381 posts
@MrsMccarthy: keep fingers crossed that he keeps his heart open… But going through this myself, I can see why he wouldn’t want to. I’m trying to just stay hopeful that everything will work out.
blogger / pomegranate / 3044 posts
fingers crossed for you guys! I don’t blame Mr. J’s outlook at all, but I know that’s a hard thing to hear. Hopefully that opinion is moot soon!
blogger / eggplant / 11551 posts
Biiig hugs!!!! Sending all the positivity I can your way!
honeydew / 7230 posts
Oh man, I am so nervous for you! I hope things work out in the end. I know you would make such a great family for this little one. When we were getting further into our infertility journey and weighing adoption vs IVF, this was one of the things that swayed my husband so thoroughly to IVF. He just couldn’t see himself preparing our hearts, minds, lives, everything for a child and then give up all the control, place all your faith in another person. I think people who are able to do that are amazing. I can’t remember when this little one is expected, but I will be hoping for a very happy end of your roller coaster!
wonderful pea / 17279 posts
Fingers crossed this is still a good match. The worry and unknown must be agonizing. I really hope your girls get to bring a baby sis or bro home.
blogger / apricot / 367 posts
Praying that everything works out for your family… Thank you for sharing.
blogger / pear / 1563 posts
@Mrs. Jacks: Oh gosh. I’m so, so sorry to hear that you didn’t get reassuring news. There are upsides to a longer time between match and placement (like the ability to prepare), but the roller coaster of emotions and not hearing reassuring news from the social worker must be tough. I will be sending lots of positive vibes and saying prayers for you guys! It must be so hard to kind of being in a waiting game even though you’re already chosen.
Thank you for sharing so openly!
blogger / pineapple / 12381 posts
@Mrs. Pinata: I’m very for short match times, but of course repeat placement makes that more challenging. All I can do is hope for the best.
blogger / pear / 1563 posts
@Mrs. Jacks: I think you have such an inspiring attitude. Your hands seem to be so open which is so hard to do. And you’re right. When people say adoption is the easy route my brain gets super confused.
pomegranate / 3053 posts
Space Mountain rocks! No matter what happens, keep those arms up in the air @Mrs. Jacks: !!!! Big hugs to you!
blogger / pineapple / 12381 posts
@erwoo: That is a really sweet comment. Thank you so much! I hope you are doing really well
pomegranate / 3053 posts
@Mrs. Jacks: We are, thank you!
pomelo / 5220 posts
Thinking of you and hoping for the best!
blogger / persimmon / 1398 posts
Oh man, my heart aches for you right now (and my stomach is in knots)!! I can most definitely appreciate where you are, and it’s so incredibly difficult. It’s hard to give up all the control when it’s your life in play here. I’ll have my fingers and toes crossed for you guys!!!