Hellobee

You might remember that back in May I was grappling with the same question that so many of us struggle with. How do any of us know when our family is complete? I couldn’t shake the feeling back then that maybe the Jacks Family wasn’t yet whole, though I also couldn’t see a clear path to growing the family either. After some pretty honest conversation, Mr. Jacks and I decided to exist in a space of balance where we weren’t going to actively try to expand our family, but we were also going to be open to what the universe had in store for us. It felt like a nice way to make the decision without shutting any doors.

As the months went on, we grew more and more content with the thought of just the 4 of us. We started moving out of the baby phase and into a new and more mature phase of family life. With Jack Jack potty trained and both girls growing more self-sufficient, we began to travel more and think about bigger international travel. We also began to enroll the girls in more enrichment experiences — Little Jacks is taking ballet twice a week. We’ve thought about getting a new dog, though we know that none could ever replace our big sweet Bernese Mountain Dog.

By September, we were able to articulate what was happening. This was it. Our family was complete as it was. The doubts were fewer and farther between and peace had quietly settled in to stay. We planned a trip to Disneyland as a recognition of the decision. We rented a house in Anaheim and invited family to come stay with us. On our way home from Disneyland, Mr. Jacks and I were chatting about our newly settled status and I said, “You know, I wonder what is going on at our adoption agency these days?” Call it an act of boredom or a last existential shudder as we closed that door for good. I logged into the site and saw a listing for an available situation featuring a mixed race birth mother. The first thing that struck me was that prices had increased so much. What I saw just validated our decision even more. I then moved on and didn’t think about that moment again.

We went back to our daily lives with work, school, extra-curricular activities, and friends. For the first time in years, I wasn’t ruminating on our family size. It felt good. There was so much more space in my mind and heart for other thoughts and plans.

Then, last Wednesday, I got a call from an unknown number while at work. It didn’t occur to me to pick it up since I was working with a deadline. Later, I listened to the message and thought it was really odd that the caller identified herself as affiliated with the adoption agency that I had been internet stalking just a couple of weeks earlier. Maybe they had seen that I logged in even though we weren’t a registered family? Maybe Jack Jack’s birth mom had some concerns about the recent lack of letters and pictures? We hadn’t been very good about it the last few months! I definitely felt guilty about that, but we had been in such a good groove, it had slipped my mind. I justified it to myself by saying that I was waiting to send her Disneyland pictures.

The agency representative then explained in more detail that Jack Jack’s birth mother had become pregnant again. She was embarrassed about having another unplanned pregnancy and didn’t want the Jacks Family to know about it. Because of that, birth mom went to the agency and asked to place her baby with a different family. She received more than a dozen family profiles and had been struggling with the choice of families for a couple of weeks.  When pressed to make her final decision, she broke down and said she could only imagine the child being placed with our family. She allowed the agency to call us and relay the information. Would we like to begin the process to adopt Jack Jack’s baby sibling? Oh and could we please decide by the close of business that day? (It was 2 pm). I told the case worker that I had recently seen one of their situations listed on their website and I was surprised at how expensive the process had become. Wouldn’t you know it… that listing that I had seen just a few weeks prior was the listing for Jack Jack’s birth mom.  Cue the goosebumps and the concern for costs!

I said that I would call Mr. Jacks to discuss it, but we might need a little more than 3 hours to decide. I couldn’t really believe what I had just heard. It had seriously only been about three months since getting to this comfortable place and now I was being confronted with all those doubts and questions one more time. Was it a test of our resolve? A clue that my initial gut feelings were right all along? Random noise from the universe? A sign from God?

I wondered how Mr. Jacks would react. I texted him and told him to call me when he could…

To be continued.