Hellobee

I already wrote about how our parenting styles changed once we had a second child, now here’s a peek into how it’s affected our lifestyle.  When we went from no children to one, we were fortunate to have my in-laws around to help.  My mother-in-law was able to care for Noelle during the day while Mr. Heels and I worked, so that eliminated the stress of daycare drop-offs and pick-ups.  She was always a great napper, and we sleep trained early so we started having whole evenings to ourselves by the time she was 5 months.  Because my in-laws lived with us, after we put her to bed we had the ability to go on regular date nights and the occasional overnighter.

After having two, all that changed.

Before: Regular date nights.  Noelle was down by 7 pm her first two years of life, so we were able to go out after we put her down.
After: Date nights are hard to come by now. We divide and conquer bedtimes, and by the time we get both kids in bed it’s 8:30-9 pm (because Toddler sleep is a whole other monster), and we’re exhausted too.  Most of our date nights are in house now, with Netflix.

Before: Once Noelle started preschool, when she got sick we had backup childcare in my MIL since most of the time she wasn’t doing anything.  Neither of us had to take time off.
After: If Noelle gets sick, one of us has to figure out a way to take time off work and stay home. Since my MIL is already caring for Jaren, we don’t expect her to watch two kids on her own.

Before: If one of us wanted to hang out with our friends it was pretty easy to go. We always supported each other’s hobbies and extracurricular activities.  2 parents to 1 child made this very doable.  If one parent goes, the ratio of parent to child is still 1:1 and manageable.
After: We are really selective with what we want to do.  It is hard to get away because I, personally, feel a lot of guilt leaving my husband with both kids.  We do solo parent every once in awhile, but it’s rare.  We don’t like to ask my MIL to help since she already watches Jaren 8 hours a day/5 days a week.  She needs rest too.

Despite these changes, the transition from 1-2 was still easier for us than the transition from 0-1.  For us, these are some of the reasons why…

Noelle and Jaren are 2 years 2 months apart, so Noelle was already a lot more independent once Jaren came along.  I knew I couldn’t handle two under two, so even though I started getting baby fever for #2 when Noelle was just 6 months, my logical side won out and I waited until she was 16 months to try again.  Another thing I didn’t think about that my friend mentioned is that Noelle is a girl.  Despite a relatively close age gap, she was more emotionally mature at 26 months than a boy might’ve been.  You can read some of the research on sex/gender differences in brain development here.

Noelle was the more challenging baby.  She had reflux, food allergies, and always needed to be held.  Jaren had none of these issues, didn’t mind being put down anywhere, was able to entertain himself for 30 minutes at a time, and slept like a charm without any real sleep training.  I also thought all babies had a “witching hour” until Jaren came along.

Having realistic expectations versus idealistic expectations is a big one.  As a first time parent-to-be, it is easy to envision in an idealistic way what starting a family and bringing a child into the world might look like.  I don’t think any amount of reading and researching can prepare someone for the reality of parenthood.  It was such a huge change for us going from 0-1 that we were overwhelmed.  We knew about the not sleeping, but it’s completely different to experience it for yourself.  Breastfeeding was but a vague concept.  Supply and demand?  Having to rush home every 2-3 hours or else I’d be engorged?  I had not a clue.  We also had to learn each other’s new identities as mother and father too, and how that factored into our roles of husband and wife.

By the time #2 rolled around, we were already used to the “loss of freedom,” and familiar with the exhaustion that comes with having children.  We just had to learn to get more creative and efficient with how we managed our time.  By the time we had our second, we had also figured out how to best work together and communicate well.

Everything becomes second nature.  My muscle memory really kicked in from all my experiences with my first.  Although they were two very different babies, I just trusted myself a lot more to make the right calls.   Being so busy keeping the two of them alive also doesn’t afford me much time to dwell on things like milestones, wonder weeks, and sleep regressions like I did with my first.  We’re constantly on the go, and just learned to be even more efficient with whatever time we had left to make it all work.

What was the bigger lifestyle adjustment for you, 0-1 or 1-2?