Hellobee

I left off our story with leaving the hospital having not held my son, but only seeing him through a window for a few minutes. We returned the next day and received our bright green visitor badge.  Now I look back and find it very fitting. I did feel like a visitor. We were allowed to visit with the baby, but only while in the birth mother’s room if she requested the baby.

We came in the room and she called the nursery for the baby. She talked about her c section and how she was feeling.  Then they brought the baby in and the birth mom said that we could pick him up.  I finally got to hold that little man that I had been so desperate to meet.  We took very few pictures as we didn’t want to make the birth mom feel awkward.  But we did snap a few pictures of our first time holding him.  The little piece of my heart that had become a mother the night before was growing a bit each minute that I held him, but I still was reluctant to admit it to myself.  I felt like I didn’t have the right to love him like a son until papers were signed.  I am not sure if all adoptive moms feel this way. I so badly wanted to look at him and call him son, but I knew it wasn’t my time yet.

My first time holding my son

Our birth mom stayed in the hospital for four days.  In California, birth mothers sign their relinquishment right before they are released from the hospital.  So we had four days to agonize over the idea of papers and a boy that was here and might be ours.  We drove to the hospital each day and spent a few hours visiting in our birth mother’s room.  On Tuesday morning, our social worker informed us that she was being released and we should bring our car seat and diaper bag with us for the day. She said that if all went well, she would sign her papers and we would go home with our son.

We got to the hospital and again visited with our birth mom and the baby while we waited for the social worker. When she arrived, we were excused from the room and left to sit in the cafeteria and hope and pray that the birth mom would sign the paperwork.  Several hours later our social worked came and let us know that the paperwork had been signed and she was being discharged.  I had a lump in my throat and my stomach all at the same time.  She had signed the papers that would make me a mother.

As we walked back to the nursery to get our son, we saw our birth mom leaving.  We gave her a small gift, a necklace, as a token of our gratitude and a memory of her time with her son.  After our good byes I could hardly stand to get to the nursery and hold the boy that I was now allowed to love.

We walked into the nursery and there he was, my beautiful boy.  The walls that I had built around my heart were torn down, and I was his mom.  We were allowed to dress him as we wanted and hold him while we went over the paperwork. I signed on a line and agreed to be his mother.  We gave him the name that would be on his second birth certificate. My little James; I felt like I never wanted to let him go.  My son, who I had waited and prayed for was finally in my arms.

We left the hospital and drove home. I sat in the back with him not wanting to miss a moment of time with him.  Mr. Train was great and volunteered to drive so I could care for him on our long drive.

Mr. Train packing getting our little man ready for the car ride home.

By the time we got back it was late at night, but our family was waiting to meet the newest member of our family.  I have never felt so much joy and relief in my life.  My heart was filled with love as I looked at my baby’s face.  I had felt it all along since the moment I saw him through the nursery window, but I was guarding myself and not admitting it. We became a family of three and it was one of the best days of my life.

After four long days we finally took a family picture