Hellobee

As part of our adoption agreement, we send a package with updates about Jack Jack’s progress once a month to her birth family.  When I was putting my first package together, I felt like everything I was going to include would be a double edged sword… both a reassurance that their baby was thriving and well-loved, and a poignant reminder of their loss.  This made it really hard to decide what to include and leave out.

I have several friends who are birth mothers, who are my go to resource about all things birth parent related. (I’m so lucky!)  I looked to them for guidance about how to approach putting together the packages.  Here are their words of wisdom:

1) If birth parents feel like they are not ready to receive information about the baby, the agency or lawyer will hold the package until such time as they feel ready… so that we shouldn’t try to shelter them too much.  Err on the side of providing information rather than holding back.

2) You may want to include items that aren’t baby related each time in order to broaden the relationship from just being baby focused, and to give birth parents something non-emotionally laden to look forward to.

3) It’s ok, in fact maybe even better, to acknowledge the pain and hurt that birth parents might be feeling, or even share your own personal challenges and pain.  There is such a power differential once the paperwork is signed, where birth parents feel like they have no control and that if they aren’t perfect, the adoption might get closed on them.  Sharing in good faith can go a long way in alleviating those fears!

4) Be especially sensitive on difficult days such as baby’s birthday and Mother’s Day.  It’s worth thinking long and hard about how you are going to phrase things, because these can be bittersweet days for birth families.

With these guidelines in mind, I set about to make my first packages.

The first one included:  CD of pictures from the first month of life, three 4 x 6 photos that were particular favorites, a clay hand print from the first few weeks (whoa, was that hard to make with a teeny tiny fisted hand!), a poem that I found about the bond between birth moms and adoptive parents, and a one page letter with information about Jack Jack from the first month.  We kept the letter straightforward and supportive.

In the second month we included: a CD of pictures from the second month,  (I keep computerized folders of each month’s photos so I don’t get confused and send some twice), a birthday card for the birth mom S (since it was her birthday that month), an extra copy of our adoption profile so that grandparents could have a copy, a small token birthday gift, and our one page letter with stories about Jack Jack from the second month.

Last month, we sent S’s favorite candy, a picture frame with one of my favorite Jack Jack pictures, a Mother’s Day card (acknowledging how hard the day might be, but how much we loved her and appreciated her as Jack Jack’s first mom), a birthday card for L (birth dad), and our usual CD and letter.

Next month, along with the regular items, I hope to send one of Jack Jack’s first outfits and a 3 month outfit (which she’s also already outgrown) to show how much she’s grown!

A few other tips:

– Many adoptive parents make the mistake of sending the same pictures during multiple months or sending blurry low quality images.  It can be really hard to keep track of what you’ve already sent and what you haven’t so find a system to organize your correspondence.

– Save copies of the text of your updates so that you don’t become too repetitive.  This is especially important when the milestones get more spaced out later on.  You *think* you’ll remember what you said each time, but life often gets in the way… so take the time to copy them.  It’s also nice that you can later share the letters that you wrote to the birth family with your child.  It’s a pain, but just do it!  You’ll be glad later.

– If birth parents are not together, but both involved, consider sending two copies of the CD, photos and letter.  You can also see if your agency has contact information for both of them, so that you can just send two separate packages.  One would hate to think of the flow of information being cut off for one birth parent because they aren’t getting along or something!

I haven’t gotten too crafty yet, but it seems like each month I get a little more elaborate (just because I love doing it so much).  There will come a certain point where we’re no longer required to do monthly updates, but I  hope to continue into the future.  I’ll then make a book for Jack Jack with all the pictures and letters from the packages to give her when she grows up!

If you have ideas for other cool things to include in update packages, I would love to hear!

Jack Jack on her 3 month birthday.  You can bet this photo will make it into an update letter!