Hellobee

Part 1
Part 2

In the weeks leading up to our trip, it felt like everyone in the world was pregnant and shouting it from the rooftops. A casual business acquaintance I had not known for that long, shared with me rather abruptly while we were at event, that she was two months pregnant. Our due dates would have just been a week or two apart. I tried hard not to cry or show any emotion. I gave her the biggest smile I could and congratulated her. In those weeks, I tried hard not to think about our potential baby’s milestones. It was hard because when you are TTC, every day seems slower as you are so much more aware of your own personal body clock. I slowly stopped blaming myself and accepted that it was not meant to be and I was destined for a wonderful baby in the future.

April rolled into May and at the end of the month we had our grand tour down the West Coast. Our itinerary included stops at coastal beaches and towns from Seattle to San Francisco. On the trip, Mr. Marbles and I spent a lot of time in the car together, talking about anything and everything. It had been a roller coaster year for us and we never had a chance to reflect on all that had happened. We finally had some time for just the two of us, and we reveled in seeing a new landscape together. Neither of us had been through the area before and it was fun to get to explore together. I could genuinely smile and laugh again. I saw the beauty in things and it certainly helped that we were hiking through giant Redwood forests and strolling along the beautiful beaches of the Oregon and California coast. It was just what we needed to get out of our funk.

I stopped actively thinking about pregnancy and babies, but I still felt acutely attuned to my body. After not really keeping track of my ovulation days since I was told to give my body some time to bounce back, I noticed a few odd symptoms in mid-June. I was feeling mild cramping again and just assumed my period would show up, but then that slight glimmer of hope seeped into my head and I allowed myself to consider the possibility of pregnancy.

I made myself wait as long as possible. Then one morning in late June, I took a pregnancy test and held my breath as I waited for the result. Lo and behold I had two pink lines! I nearly cried. That morning, I ran into my bedroom and startled Mr. Marbles awake so that he could come to the bathroom and confirm that the test had two lines. It did and we were ecstatic.

Our first OB appointment wasn’t until after the Fourth of July, so we had some time to let the news sink in. I tried not to let myself get too excited, but this time around, I couldn’t help but feel different. Perhaps it was the trip that refreshed us and gave us a brighter outlook, or maybe going through the miscarriage together bonded us even more… most likely a combination of all that. Reading through my old journal entries, one of the most important things that stood out was that this time around, slowing down was not an option, it was a requirement. We were going to take our time. We were not going to over commit and stress ourselves out. We were going to relish every moment of this pregnancy.

At the first OB appointment at 6 weeks, our doctor was happy to see us back. This time when the ultrasound image flickered onto the screen, she could see the sac and I was relieved. We couldn’t hear the heartbeat yet, but the OB assured us it was too early. “It’s a 50/50 opportunity to see the heartbeat, and you’re just the 50 who can’t see it yet. Don’t worry.” I tried my best not to worry and continue with my day-to-day. Even though there wasn’t a visible baby bump yet, I couldn’t help but pat my tummy several times a day as if to tell our baby to stay put inside. I made appointments with my endocrinologist as well to ensure that I was taking the right amount of thyroid hormone (which was something I would do every six weeks throughout my pregnancy).

I tried my best not to overanalyze every symptom or lack of thereof, but it was very difficult. At 8 weeks, I had a scare. On a random evening after peeing, I noticed mild pink spotting again like I had with our last pregnancy and started panicking. This time, I wasn’t optimistic. I immediately made an appointment with the OB for the next day. I tossed and turned and barely slept. The next morning, we got up early and despite my anxiety, Mr. Marbles insisted we go get breakfast because it was important that I ate, so we had bagels at our local coffee shop. There was a toddler eating breakfast with her mom, sitting on her mama’s lap. I watched her for a few minutes and she looked up and gave me the brightest smile. It warmed my heart. Mr. Marbles told me that it was a good omen. I was hopeful that it was too.

It was quite a wait at the OB’s. My OB was on vacation, so I had to see the covering OB. I was so nervous. They got me up in the stirrups and inserted the ultrasound wand. I was so worried about not seeing anything, and then there it was… the blinking flickering dot that I knew immediately was our little one’s heartbeat. There was a pause while the doctor zoomed in and said, “There is the heartbeat.” I literally let out a breath. I had been holding it in for a few minutes. I asked, “So nothing’s wrong with the baby?” “No. Everything looks normal.” Mr. Marbles leaned over to look at the screen as well. The doctor turned on the sound and we could hear a loud pulsing heartbeat. I was so relieved and excited! There was my little one with a strong heart beating inside of me. I could have cried. We had a heartbeat and a baby. All was not lost. We even got to take home our first photo of Little M.

The rest of the pregnancy was uneventful. I can’t say that I stopped worrying or feeling anxious– that never goes away after a miscarriage. Every little twinge was worth an internet search. After getting mild food poisoning in the first trimester, I Googled “listerioris” about every five minutes. I would drive myself crazy! But I can say that when Little Marbles was born on February 27, 2011 with ten fingers and ten toes, I breathed the biggest sigh of relief in my life. I felt my heart burst and I knew that she was meant to be a part of our family.

In the larger scheme of things, I know many women who have had a much more difficult time than I did trying to conceive, but from my own experience I have definitely learned to be a lot more sensitive when talking about pregnancy and babies. I do not ask my friends about their TTC status unless they bring it up first. You never know what someone has been through. I hardly told anyone about our miscarriage while it was happening, which is my one biggest regret. I should have reached out, whether to friends or family, and shared. People didn’t know I was hurting, or that their good intentioned questions about when Mr. Marbles and I were planning on starting a family felt like a giant stab wound to the heart. I wish Hellobee were around, or that I had joined other Mommy forums and boards earlier where I could find the support I needed so I could stop beating myself up. Through this experience, I ultimately learned that everything happens for a reason, and life brings happiness when you least expect it. So for those of you TTC or have been having difficulty, don’t lose hope.